Secrets of a Modern Love Bug

For the strongest hearts

2009-10-13T06:31:00.000+08:00

When hurt, the first thing that the heart wants is to escape. And I've noticed that a lot of the most successful travelers are the most hurt ones. I believe that the broken heart stays in one place only because they have to, only because they have no choice. However, once given all the control that they've been wanting so badly especially when alone, the broken heart will for sure choose to fly and just be free. Or better yet, just simply be 'unbroken.'

Cowardice, they say? "they" do not have a single idea on what they are talking about. How can a heart that has been broken a lot of times be a coward? the fact that the heart has been broken a lot of times should mean that that heart has given a lot of chances on giving, isn't it? Who is the real coward? The heart who has been hurt a lot and just wants to escape for once? or the heart who has been hurt once and has ever since chose to be alone?

The heart who choose to travel and is successful in doing so and the heart who wants to travel and just can't do it yet know that pain definitely is stronger when it's near. It's even more painful when you know it's there and even how much you want to fight and struggle, there is just nothing else you can do it to reverse it. It's painful when you've finally reached your destination, but it's too late. Fate or death has already taken its toll.

The heart who struggles to escape are the strongest for they are the most quiet ones when hurt. The strongest heart listens to other hearts vent. The strongest heart acts the strongest for the sake of the other hearts that matters to them. Every heart knows the strongest heart is the strongest. However, when it's the strongest heart's time to reach its hand, every heart thinks its okay to hold on reaching out. Besides, isn't that heart the strongest?

well, hello there!

2009-10-13T05:25:00.002+08:00

Okay.. I checked my last entry and I can't believe I haven't entered a single blog here for almost 7 months - well, entered a few in Friendster, but still! No wonder a lot has happened in my life, it has been once again almost 7 effin' months! Wow!!!

First of all, I have already been in California for almost 6 months now and still, I am in my adjustment process. I don't know how long I'll be staying here or when I can get to visit the Philippines, at least - though I'm hoping it would be sometime soon. sigh.

6 months in California and my life has changed full 360 degrees! First of all, I've met my fiance Erik and to cut the long story short, we're getting married in Las Vegas next week, and to cut the story even shorter, I am almost 4 months pregnant! Shocked,huh? LOL. I'm not getting married coz I got pregnant, by the way. The idea of getting married came before we found out I'm pregnant.

Then, a lot of broken relationships. I am not in good terms with my brother and his wife and details I don't wanna discuss anymore. And, honestly, I think this is for the best. I have so much sentiments that I don't wanna discuss with them anymore, coz I know for sure that stuborn people are never open for this kinds as they are so stubborn we'll just be in a neverending battle on who is right and who is not. Then, my bestfriend Carra. I feel like she abandoned me, period. I don't know what she feels, but this time, I wanna focus more on what I feel. At least for once, you know?

I'm going through a lot of phases right now. I'm anxious, frustrated and scared. It seems like lately, it is so hard for me to remind myself of the faith that I started with. Or, maybe this is just a challenge for my faith to begin with? sigh. Plus, I feel like I'm mourning for the first time. If daddy was here, he'd know what to do for sure.

My Angel as I Sleep, Keeping me Warm and Safe

2009-03-30T05:17:00.000+08:00

Gently kiss me good night

And once more hold me so tight

Whisper to me everything will be fine

For the night is yours and mine

Always and Forever, You will be my knight and shining armor as I am your devoted princess hiding in a cover of a daddy’s girl. I miss you,dad.

Episode

2009-03-30T04:41:00.002+08:00

Affront her with anything about life and she will face it all with audacity. Always she has succeeded, but never with this one. No matter how much space she builds in between, still, the memory just keeps on haunting. She is even about to forget the face already, but the feeling? still so lucid, still so keen. It has beginning to occur like an episode; the constant flashing of every segment, which she strongly hopes with eyes closed that she will never see again. But, life perhaps has its own playing - the reruns of this never ending pandemonium. They think she is ok. She is but she isn’t better and that is all what she ever longed for. She’s tired of smiling just ‘coz she has to, tired of perceiving things merely out of convenience, and she’s tired of delaying this already overdue healing. And, so, for the nth time… she’s standing up and this time, its gonna be stronger. This time, it’s gonna be way farther from the culprit.

What's the national flower of the Philippines?

2009-03-26T02:10:00.001+08:00

Together we make a very good pair, and today, you made me very excited and happy.

Picked me up at my friend’s house, and since I’ve been craving for isaw since yesterday, we went to the kalye barbecue along Roxas and all you did was stare at me while I enjoyed my isaw - this is another thing I like about you, you are always up for anything as long as it makes me happy. Whether it’s as posh as Eagles Bar or as simple as that isawan in the corner, you don’t care because for you, nothing is too much nor too less for my happiness and I thank you. I thank you not because of the tangible things you offer or can offer, but because of the simple thoughtfulness that came before and after that material thing.

I know you were very tired and your head was aching terribly, but still, you accompanied me as I supported my friend’s surprise for her boyfriend. My friend wanted to welcome her boyfriend’s birthday at exactly 12 a.m. and it was really funny ‘coz you sped while my friends were waiting for us at the kanto where we didn’t even really know where it was in the first place! You we’re so tired, but you never complained. Instead, you gamed and together with my friends, you laughed and enjoyed every moment of it. Thank you not because you drove me there, but because you made me feel that you value the people who are special to me, and even without me telling you, I hope you see that I smile every time you exchange laughters with my friends.

Before you dropped me home, you thanked me. And now that I’m about to sleep, I wonder what was there to thank me about. And as I ponder, I can’t help but thank you again. Not because you utter words I want to hear, but because you consider even my simple actions as something worth thanking for. So, again, thank you.

Why the title? Well, it’s for me and you to know… Only me and you… hehe

of teleseryes and afternoon shows

2009-03-26T01:12:00.000+08:00

“Nakikiusap ka hanggang sa may laban pa. Pero pag wala na talagang ilalaban, eh di cge okay. At least lumaban ka,” was a line that struck me while watching The Buzz on ABS-CBN yesterday.

Truly, you fight for that one person you are madly in love with. You fight for him ‘coz you believe there is still something worth fighting for, you fight for him ‘coz you believe he is worth the battle, and you fight for him even if it hurts and continue fighting for him even if your heart is begging “enough.”

However, in every battle, you still always have to save your self, for a warrior won’t become much of a warrior if she doesn’t know how to protect herself first. Quoting one of the lines in the teleserye Tayong Dalawa:“I’d rather have a breathing coward, than a dead hero.”

Time will come that you’ll feel you have already exhausted yourself TOO much and voluntarily, yourself will just retire from the never-ending limbo. And this doesn’t mean you already love him less or the way you feel for him has changed, it’s just that Finally, you have come to regain the courage and wisdom to tell yourself that it is time to regain your self worth back and that beautiful smile on your face that was once taken away by the hurt that he has caused. It’s gonna be a heavier battle at first (the living life the way you deserve and the sleeping and waking up without his thoughts), but once you open your eyes and see that there is a new love that is more than willing enough to make you happy, then life for you my dear will be much blissful, especially since you have once again proven to yourself that you are capable of loving that much and being loved this much.

While I was counting sheep

2009-03-22T06:28:00.000+08:00

I bully you all the time, but do you know I would face and fight the world just to defend you?

Sometimes, when I think of all the unconditional things that you have done for me, I wonder what on earth could I have possibly done right to deserve all of those. You willingly accompanied me in my place when I got paranoid with all the muggers running loose in Dumz, you were my handy man when I was helpless with my roof and annoyed with my broken sink, you were always the first one to rescue me in times of my asthma attacks, you supported me when I threw a dirty finger on that lame carenderia, you saved up money just so you could buy me that transparent soda in Daro, you transform into Superman every time there was ipis, you buy me my favorite brownie when I’m in a foul mood, you present your allowance when I’m broke, you always lower your pride even though It was really my fault to begin with, and most of all, you were the one who walked with me under the rain when I was at the most down moment of my life. You accept and love me for who I am, and even if I get really bratty and spoiled at times, you never left my side. You tell me honest things that no one could dare tell me, and most of all, you listen to my never ending problems no matter how huge or petty they may be.

Just awhile ago, I was out with some of my guy friends. We parked our car in an empty grocery store parking lot, played some house music, and brought out the beer and junk food we bought from the convenience store nearby. One of my guy friends whom I’ve known since high school offered me beer and oishi; I told him I was allergic to beer and spicy food, and instead of just offering me something else, he asked me to scientifically defend my excuse. Three to four hours after and it was time for us to go home. In the car on our way home, we were cracking up jokes and I uttered the inevitable “loser” - I had to give a 1 minute explanation that “loser” was meant to be a joke and of nothing personal.

We might not have known each other since elementary, but it amazes me that there’s no need to explain myself to you anymore. Simply because you always believe me, and you always understand. I know I am not the bestest person that i should be to you, but I hope deep inside you know how much I treasure and value you as a person. Every time someone hurts you, God knows how much I want to hurt them back - physically and psychologically, haha! And I admit, I wanna smack you myself every time you always let these people hurt you over and over again. But, at the end of the day, I realize that this is actually the magic in you: You ALWAYS consider other people’s thoughts and feelings before yours.

I am sorry for those times that I should have been there, but wasn’t. I am sorry for those times when I should have said the right words, but chose to say the opposite. I am sorry for those times when I picked a fight with you just because I was bored. And, I am sorry for those other moments when I had unknowingly hurt you but you already forgave me even before I figured it out.

Thank you for being there for me all the time. Thank you for offering me a brotherhood that is thicker than water, even thicker than blood. Thank you because of all the thousand people in Dumz, you chose me to be one of your best friends.

I might not have told you this before, but I am very proud of you. As a matter of fact, you are always in every story that I tell (libaks or praises.haha).

Distance has already caused some friendship to fade. However, I am secure that this wouldn’t be the same story for us. ZW, by the time we get 50, I’ll still be steaming hot and you’ll already be groggy and suffering from memory gap, but you and I will still be laughing over coffee and nachochinos.

I missed you. You are my male counterpart =)

ENOUGH

2009-03-21T02:22:00.002+08:00

Enough I say, Enough.
The field I'm in isn't giving me the justice that I deserve anymore.
How can allow him to make me feel this way about myself?
I always tell my friends that you only allow a person to hurt you if you give them the consent to do so, and here I am once again failing to do what I preach.
Enough of this never ending self hurt. From now on, I shall stop looking at your account,
and from now on, I shall stop comparing myself with her.
After this blog I'm sure it will still hurt, but it is me to blame why I am still not coping.
I need to stand up for myself. I can not center my life on you anymore.
It has hurt me badly, still hurting me deeply and I this I should not tolerate anymore.
I am so tired, my love. I have done my part. I don't expect you to do yours anymore.
Enough I say, Enough.

Bad news

2009-03-20T03:34:00.003+08:00

Today, I received a very bad news.

I was told that a friend of ours was kidnapped 6 p.m. yesterday in front of MTS. He went back for his lost wallet at MTS and while walking, a van stopped before him fronting to be a public transportation. And, since there was a transportation strike here in Davao and it was so hard to get a ride anywhere, he decided to get in. While in the van, our friend was still sending texts with his girlfriend complaining how packed the van was and after awhile of not replying, he managed to send his cousin a text that says "VANKIDNAPHELP." 6 hours have passed and there is still no information regarding his whereabouts.

I can't stop thinking about our friend the whole night, worried of his safety and worried of every one else's. If it happened to him, meaning it could happen to me and to any of my loved ones too. It is scary how unsafe this world has become. These criminals certainly won't spare anyone from their inhumanness.

My friend's family is now dealing with the authority, while we are left with nothing else to do but pray and hope for the better. I pray that these criminals would just take all of his material things away, and just let him be SAFELY.

The reason of me blogging this is not just to merely inform people what happened, but to remind people to not easily trust strangers and to be very careful. Whether it's as primitive as a certain province or as metropolitan as Davao City, still every one should be extra sensitive about his surroundings. It happened as early as 6 p.m., so I can't say that it was a time factor. It just shows that regardless what time of the day it is, still, mean people will do mean things. The only thing left for us is to be aware that these things could happen and so it pays to be alert all the time.

Please pray with us for the safety of all involved.

AIKEN

2009-03-18T22:21:00.000+08:00

My friend sent me a text before boarding the plane to Bangkok, Thailand. Of course, I replied the usual “have a safe trip and Keep in touch!”, but what I really wanted to ask him was “How does it feel to be leaving Pinas for awhile?” However, I didn’t mind doing it anymore as to I might just spoil his vacation (I don’t want to remind him over and over again that he’ll be leaving his special someone behind for awhile). And somehow, it made me thinking about my leaving for the states. But boo-hoo!!! This blog ain’t about myself, so I won’t discuss some details, yet.. hehe =p

Anyhu… Aiken, I know you are leaving with a heavy heart ‘coz tooot is left here,but more to that, you should also be excited for Thailand. Gawd!!! Did you even know that Thailand is one of the places that I’ve always dreamed to visit?! whew! Lucky you dude! Thailand’s culture is just so overwhelming!!! =D okay, now I am officially envious. hehe..

One day, I’ll go to Lumpini park to just relax amid the palm trees, bring my journal and pen with me and just write the whole day away! I’m sure there would be so much things to write about while being surrounded by greens and hearing the sound of water with the Chinese Pavilion and Clock Tower insight. Next, I wanna watch the sunset at Wat Arun, enjoy the entertainment at Grand Palace and Wat Phra Kaew, stay overnight at The Oriental Bangkok, get a very good massage at Ananda Spa, dance a sexy and sultry salsa evening at Fogo Vivo, and to top it all, I wanna nose around DJ Station in behalf of all my loving gay friends - haha!

But, day dreaming aside… I’m gonna miss you ken. Oh no! I’m gonna take that back, coz it won’t just be me,but WE. OA noh? as if unsa ka kdugay sa Thailand? haha! Take care ken and this is sincere - not just part of the usual lines for someone who is in the plane right this very moment. And most of all dude, HAVE FUN, alright?!?! and oh yeah!!! don’t forget to update us with your blogs! love you =)

P.S.

It was really sweet of you to tell us to remind tooot to wait for you, and surely we will. =)

Boredom Noted

2009-03-18T15:36:00.002+08:00

Aguy!!! I am so bored. (sigh)... and to think I was out just last night. Nitz treated me for coffee at Karl's pero I went home agad coz Nitz wanted to get a massage, and I recommended Shiatsu fronting Shell Bajada, and buti naman he liked it. I have things to do here at home naman, like do my online stuff and clear my closet. I want to try all my clothes on and experiment, kaso lang I'm still kinda lazy to do it. whew, boredom noted!

ooh... Tama diay! I have good news. Yesterday and today I woke up with a light heart =) yep! He wasn't my first thought. Uhm, second thought lang pero improvement na uy! hehe. and it has been more than a week since I'm taking C-lium, which is super an accomplishment kay wala gyud siya lami! haha.. but good for the health man daw, so cge tiis. Health conscious na ko dapat while I'm still young. Not just to lose weight but syempre to protect myself from sakit - CHAAARRRMUUUSSS! hehe..

whew... mga friends where art thou? looking forward nalang ko for this saturday coz we're going to mumay's house daw for a pink party. hopefully madayon.. haha.. cge na ui, i'll blog in my fs blog. super boredom noted. =)

he said. she said.

2009-03-18T02:07:00.002+08:00

he said. she said.

2009-03-18T01:54:00.000+08:00

March 14, 1009

2009-03-18T01:23:00.002+08:00

Kissing a Fool

2009-03-18T01:15:00.000+08:00

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart

People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart

People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you'll ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

Trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding

2009-03-18T00:29:00.008+08:00

When dad went home, I bought this journal. For me, this was the only tangible thing I could think of to still feel close to him. Every day, I would talk to him through this until I actually had a dream of dad complaining! (yeah, my dad can be humorous. hehe).

Just last night, while I was looking at some of my old stuffs, I came across my journal and just had the urge to open it again. I started reading my notes and it really felt good. Uhm, yeah it made me miss dad even more, but something better came about - my journal always reminds me how powerful prayers can be.

Speaking of prayers, I just wanted to share some of my top 3 answered prayers:

1. Teach me to be patient = He made me wait for more than a year, and I am still waiting, and will continue to make me wait until I finally learn to be patient.

2. If someone came along and he's not the one God wants for me, then better not having him at all = I really never had him again.

3. If He wants me to stay in Pinas, then I'd be able to stay in my job longer. But, if it's His plan that I'd go to the states, then He'd give me a very good reason to quit = it has been more than 2 weeks since I quit my job.

I did not realize all of these overnight. It caused me countless of sleepless nights,never ending confused moments and a reunion with my journal before I finally absorbed all these. It was a miracle that somehow, while I was writing on my journal again, these thoughts just came my mind. It was like a light-bulb moment. At first I thought that my life was unplanned for the very first time. But, the truth was, my life actually is very much well planned and that every thing is falling into place - not by me this time though, but by Him. It is clear that He and my dad wants me to go to the states: I have the most valid reason to quit my job (details I'm not discussing), and I didn't have him back; and He knows that these two are the reasons that would keep me holding on to Davao. He needed to take these two away from me, as so I could finally push through on what he thinks is best for me. And, He has always been like that to me. He knows how hard-headed I can be - I always go for what I want even though I don't really need it, and that is why since He knows I can't stay away from them, they are instead the ones who stays away from me.

My friends would sometimes ask me how come I don't seem affected by my leaving. Well, I am. The unknown is always scary, and being away from the people that matters to me always gives a heavy feeling. However, the trust I have for my decision-maker and for my guardian angel (daddy) makes it way easier for me to deal with this.

I don't wanna seem preachy. It's just that sometimes, I realized that I have become too blinded on what I just wanna see that I forgot to look at the bigger picture.

hakunna Matata

2009-03-15T23:40:00.002+08:00

Hey Friend, Father, Savior, Hey Shield =)

You know I love you, right? Yeah, I know you do. I mean, that was even a stupid question to begin with, 'coz even before me talking, you know it already. You even know everything first even before I even think about it! =D You're just so great. Your love for me is just so unconditional. I always tell you that I don't understand some of your plans, but you give me all the reasons to trust your decisions. Right now, I am in the middle of a crossroad and even though for the first time in my life I do not know if where I'm heading is the right path, OK lang kay nagsabot na ta diba? and knowing you, you always... as in ALWAYS keep your promises. Ako lang man saato naga break ug deal nato, hehe... I'm sorry. Thank you for all of these. I may not be seeing it right now, but I'm CERTAIN... I've got you at my back. I love you God.

THANK YOU

United Amerikan Tiki2x

2009-03-14T03:39:00.003+08:00

It was raining so hard... Passed by Obrero street and when I figured it was a motorcycle accident ahead, my heart beating fast. dum.. dum.. dum.. dum.. whew, it's not him. Thank God!

Looked at the front mirror, my friends staring at me. "Ay sus... ambi nimo siya na? siya nalang unta!" one of my friends cussed.

I am one broken record, I know. And as much as you guys want to console me,you just don't wanna listen anymore kay gikapoy na mo ug kalagot saiya ug usahay... saako. Let's put it this way: You already find it so hard just listening about it, how much more feeling it?

true enough.. kapoy gyud biya. pero unsaon ta man.... nag tiki2x man ko sauna so taas2x pa ako tolerance sa pain. Damn Tiki2x!

I need a pill

2009-03-14T03:28:00.002+08:00

Blog it.. Blog it.. BLOG IT...

Blogging it... Blogging it... BLOGGING IT...

Press enter, space, delete and then enter....

400 words..... not enough

maybe 500..... still not enough

Trying 2,000..... hands tired, brain drained......

Time to check the heart now.

Shit. Still the same....

naknang nimal putang tanga

2009-03-14T02:57:00.004+08:00

Tell me.

Is it wrong to continue loving you? Am I punishing myself for being here for you still? And am I a fool for not totally letting go? The mind can think of letting go from the one you love, but the heart just can not. It's like an addictive drug that keeps running in my thoughts, in my veins. Sometimes, I admit, I look at her, look at myself, look at her again, and wonder what you see in her that you do not see in me anymore. Was I easier to love when we were still 18 than now that we're 23? Every day I keep myself busy, waking up late and spending as much time as I can with my friends. But this is not easy as it's you whom I think of to sleep and the first thought as I wake up. God knows I am not enjoying this, He knows I'm deeply hurting. Doesn't he have the power to just erase this all away? I've been praying that I'd be able to take you off my mind, off my heart but to no avail. Though I'm keeping the faith.. I'm keeping the faith. Because in this war that I'm fighting alone, it's the only strength left for me.

Last night you were here with me. You know we just couldn't fake it, you know you are happy when you are with me, but why so coward my love? Am I not worth the third try? or maybe I am just being selfish for even asking this. I swear, I did not mean to hurt you then. I was 18 and foolish. Can't you see I'm a grown up now? My Love, I am sorry.

For awhile it was smooth sailing. Not having you around, I mean. However, you just keep on coming back. I resisted until the urge to see you again became stronger than my eagerness to resist. When you thought I was already happy with him, you got scared and that I do not understand. You don't want me anymore and You don't want me with someone else either. Where do you want me to be? Stuck in the middle waiting for you? Pathetic 'coz until now, I still don't understand. Until now I still can't lay all the cards before you as I am scared that these might just push you farther. I know I'm crazy for just waiting. Waiting when you'll have a fight with her, waiting when she's busy and doesn't have time for you, and waiting when missing me is just already becomes too much for you to bear. When you told me how much you are missing me, I swear my knees weaken. I can not stop crying the whole day as it's harder knowing that you still want me than knowing that you don't. I am your convenience, your comfort zone, your solace.

I am missing you my Achilles heel. I'd do anything to have another moment with you.

not again.

2009-03-10T16:08:00.002+08:00

Until when are you hurting this brave heart? You're still the same. Each time I try to move farther from you, you always get closer. You win. You sure knows how to make this brave soul frail. All of these are just so painful that crying becomes insufficient already. What do you really want from me? Does hurting me brings you solitude? 'coz if it does, then you are indeed the most peaceful person on earth. Someday, I'll be okay. Someday, this heart of mine will find her way to forget you. Someday, someone I deserve would come my way. However, while that day hasn't come yet, I don't think I have enough choice but to just deal with your bull shit.

My Achilles Heel

2009-03-09T00:40:00.001+08:00

My susceptibility

Warmth compatibility

My morning coffee, my midnight cigarette

Something about our stare I could not forget

Doubt nothing my Achilles heel

Risking with bliss moments on top

Hoping and praying this won’t stop

This brave heart scared of the unknown

Aren’t you tired of being alone?

Fear nothing my Achilles heel

If one day you’d find yourself scared

Find in your heart the care we’ve shared

Though this mean world could truly scar

I’d keep you safe even from afar

Love and be loved my Achilles heel

If this world becomes too much

Just recount the warmth of our touch

Close your eyes think of you and me

Together we can both set free

Believe in our solace my Achilles heel

The return of the yellow smiley face

2009-03-05T12:17:00.002+08:00

The only difference between me and this smiley is the braces =p

Being happy is a decision and I have decided.
It's about time I start breathing Davao more and just appreciating every little thing this place has to offer
yeah, there are so much painful memories here, but there are just more blissful memories that it's so hard to ignore
Funny 'coz more than nervous, I actually feel excited
excited because It's gonna be a new chapter for me
excited coz finally I'll be seeing my brothers after so many years, plus my niece and nephew pa! hehe
Sayang lang Dad isn' there anymore, but okay lang, nagsabot na mi. hehe

Just another manic monday

2009-03-02T21:06:00.003+08:00

This would have been easier if I could hear your voice on the other line
My fear would certainly be eased for you'll tell me everything will be fine
I would find my way and won't be lost for you will tell me where to go and I wouldn't doubt
All of these would've been a dream come true if I know you'd be the one I'll first see
This would have been easier for between you and me
Love always overpowers all uncertainties.

Just one night I wish I'd dream of you
For one night I wish I'd be finally feel at home
Your physical warmth may have been absent for a long time
but it doesn't matter because you left me a warmth that lingers a lifetime

I believe you are looking down at me
Trying to pat my shoulder, trying to wipe these tears
I believe you know what I'm feeling even without me explaining
because between you and me
Love always overpowers all pains.

Daddy, I am scared and I know this is the last thing you want me to feel
I am now in a crossroad wherein whichever road I may take, still I know won't lead me to you
Daddy I am sorry, I know you want me to be strong
But how can this brave heart continue fighting, if her warrior left her all alone?

I was a foreigner for 1 minute

2009-03-01T21:09:00.004+08:00

Just awhile ago I was at DCLA looking for a USB cable cord. I was hopping from one stall to another but apparently majority of the sales lady their didn't really know what I was talking about, until I spotted one stall manned by a korean lady. Assuming that she was the owner, it gave me a little hope that I'd be able to talk to someone who would actually know what I was talking about - finally. So I went up to her and our conversation went like this:

Me: Excuse me?

Me: Excuse me?

Me: Excuse?

Korean: ha?

Me: Do you have a Usb cable cord?

Korean: huh?!

thinking that maybe I spoke it too fast

Me: Do.... you... have... a.... usb.... cable... cord.....?

Korean: (giving me a cluless look)

Me: (sh*t I don't speak korean)

Me: Do.... you... have... a.... usb.... cable... cord.....?

Korean: uhm? pasensiya hindi ako nakakaintindi ng english, tagalog lang po...

Me: .......................... (nahilom intawon ko.)

Educate me please

2009-02-28T09:41:00.002+08:00

A faded sign that says "Praivet" caught my attention while I was on my way to work this morning - I am no good at spelling words and my tongue gets twisted every so often, but for some reasons, misspelled SIMPLE words or "B" pronounced as "V" and the likes always gets my attention.

For a second the sign seemed like a joke, but the truth is, that misspelled private was a writing of reality. Of course, no lawyer or PHD degree holder wrote that sign because obviously, it was written by someone who, let's just say, did not reach the proper level of education. Blame it on empathy, ignorance or poverty still the truth lies that a lot of people are deprived from their right to be educated.

It's sad, indeed. But being just sad about it won't make a difference. Everyday anyone can be an educator. Don't hesitate to share even the simplest thoughts you have to a person, coz without you knowing, you could be the greatest teacher to someone.

Remember, you don't have to be Einstein to do it.

ANG PANGUTANA

2009-02-27T10:15:00.002+08:00

ASA KO ADTO?

Worn out sneakers

2009-02-25T12:36:00.006+08:00

The first time I stepped my foot on Dumaguete, someone from afar shouted "Madahan!!!" and kalami sa feeling! abot na gyud diay ko!

Aside from the multiple asthma attacks I had ( damn this asthma I wasn't able to do as much as I wanted to!), my trip to Dumaguete felt so BEAUTIFUL! It was as if I finally came home after the longest time - I don't wanna think that my hospital hopping and my ambulance escapade was the highlight of my trip (boo!).

Anyhuuuu.... One of the Million things I love most about my trip was the walking! yep, gimingaw nko ug baktas2x. haha! It felt sooOooo good walking around Dumaguete and Silliman, even the air in Dumz smells different and the trees seems to be greener!

JN knew how much walking amuses me (he enjoys doing the same), so he decided that we walk from Nusa Dua to Agan-an to have breakfast along the beach - we forced ourselves out of the bed at 7 in the morning even though we were out partying until 5 am. A walk from Nusa Dua to Agan-an will take 2 to 3 hours but I never even complained!

I was not told that we would literally have to cross beaches, so along the way, I had to once and awhile take off my sneakers until I finally decided to walk barefoot (JN and Philip had to show me 4 sea urchins before I finally got convinced to just let my shoes get soaked in sea water! hehe) JN was too excited to show me the different beaches that we would be able to pass by, plus he was too proud that we would be crashing the airport's runway! Outsiders are prohibited to enter the runway premises, but he was just too excited and proud that I ignored my doubts. 4 beaches and around 7 sea urchins after, I was officially allowed to take off my sneakers - YEP! THE RUNWAY!!! so it's official! bilib nko kay JN! haha. Philip commented that what if a plane would suddenly fly through us and I immediately made a joke out of his comment that a plane would be one of the most obvious things visible. And just seconds after my joke, a plane flew behind us. It must have been my adrenalin or perhaps my excessive caffeine intake, that I immediately went down on my knees and covered my face! I swear!! I seriously felt the pressure on my nape! I got back to my senses right away and upon looking up saw them of JN and Philip looking down and laughing at me! As usual, I was the victim of my own joke! hehe =p

It was a sunny day but the heat of the ground touching my feet didn't feel destructive at all.
After the runway were another 3 beaches until we felt our tummies complain and looked for a place to have breakfast - we stopped over San Moritz and ordered lechon kawali and sisig! After breakfast, JN and Philip went swimming while I decided to stay and just feel the air around. We took the pedi going back. I am going back this Summer and I'm gonna make sure that it will be another worth-while walking for me.

Dumdumdidumdumdumdidumdum

2009-02-17T16:37:00.003+08:00

I am sOoOoOoO Excited! Finally!!! Thank you very much!!!! hehe

I can't believe I'll be in Dumzville any time soon from now. and soon as in tomorrow!!!! yey! This is so unbelievable but yeah, true! (how commercial like noh? i know!) hehe..

Haay.. I know not every one will understand this euphoria but watev! im going there and yeah, im excited.

wait!!!

did I say I'm excited?? haha!!! I AM SO ERFIN' EXCITED!!!!!!!!

Wearing sneakers is comfortable

2009-02-15T20:28:00.008+08:00

Since I can't work it out just yet
I figured that maybe I could walk it out a little bit instead

Wanting to set free, I shut myself and my ipod from the whole world.
"It must have been love, but it's over now..."

I must have sang a little bit too loud
that the by standers and manong popcorn was starting
to give me a WTF-is-that-lady-upto look
(ok, maybe the "WTF" expression is too sosyal for manong but watev!)

THEN... it hit me.
The world will not forever excuse this melancholy.

After some forgotten lyrics after
(not to mention tired feet and pawis on my face)

I realized I should have a destination - literally and figuratively.

Sat down for awhile and thought a little bit.

Working and not walking this out would be the only way to solve this.

But, whatever! Sometimes it helps reminding myself
that there is a bigger world out there.

God bless America.

The Morning after

2009-02-15T12:41:00.005+08:00

[10:47 pm] YOU: Tirada?

[11:03 pm] ME: Tambay lang...

[12:40 pm] YOU: Wud?

[12:46:02 am] ME: Laag.. Bakit pala?

[12:46:07 am] YOU: Wala lng. msma na b mag ask?

[1:09:27 am] ME: Aw.. Hehe hndi man. Amew

[1:09:55 am] ME: Tama.. Happy vday! hehe

[12:52 am] YOU: Hus wd u?

[1:13 am] ME: Anton and his friends...

[12:56 am] YOU: Cnoh yan?

[1:14 am] ME: C Anton gd.. Ung nkwento ko sau b4...

[1:15 am] YOU: Ah ung nobyo mo?

[1:16 am] ME: Nanliligaw pa lang ui.. Hehe. Kaw, musta kna?

[1:17 am] YOU: Ok lng.. lgaw pa tlga?

[1:19 am] ME: Aw,gud to hear ur ok. yep, ligaw pa.. Bsdes, i won't deny f ever mgka bf na ako.. hehe. kaw jud.

[1:20 am] YOU: Ok. Anjan pa ung iniwan ko sayo? I miss you a lot.

[1:23:36 am] ME: Yep, san pa man pla mapunta un. Aw, un lang pla na miss mo. hehe, amew. bsta andito lang un. Though hnapin ko pa san exactly.

[1:23:38 am] YOU: Anoh b! ndi lang un. kundi ikaw. pero ksama na un sa package. pero ikaw gyud.

[1:26 am] ME: Same here...

[1:27:32 am] YOU: Tlga?

[1:27:57 am] ME: Nasanay mo bya ako na andito ka lag, so xempre eh... hehe

[1:27:59 am] YOU: Lab2x... Hahai... Puntahan kita?

[1:30 am] ME: Hindi Tama... Next time nalang if sure ka na d ka na mawala.. goodnight. hinay drive ha =)

[1:32 am] YOU: Wat u min?

[1:35 am] ME: Hindi na 2 tama kc may gf ka na... and next time na natin ibalik ang dati kung cgurado ka na dli na ka mamiya. Icpn nalang natin na at least we're good friends =)

[1:37 am] YOU: Aok.

For the first time in my "you & i" existence, I did something that is actually right than something that just feels right. For the countless of times that you've been coming and going in and out of my life, I have always wanted to tell you this: "Unya na balik if sure ka na dili na ka muhawa." However, it's either the situation did not suit that much practiced one-liner sentence or I didn't had the courage to utter it yet, coz the urge to be with you again even just for a split of a second was stronger. Since I stayed away from you, I thank God for giving me the strength and ask him to give me a chance to prove to myself that I can be stronger than I think. God has given me two or three of this chances already, but I always fail them until just minutes after Valentine's day.

The whole night while I was having fun with my friends, I still couldn't resist looking from one corner to another hoping that I could see you around - to no avail. And when you sent me the text, I admit that I felt happy coz at least you thought of me too. I know not replying at all was the best thing I could have done, but I'm not strong enough for that yet (replying to you in the most coherent and logical way possible was a brainer). The moment you told me you missed me, God knows how I wanted to just run to where ever you were and hug you really tight and tell you how much I miss you more, but guess my senses were at my side then; I chose to do the right thing,finally.

I remembered Din2x telling me that doing the right thing will eventually make a person happy, even if it will hurt for a little while. I feel happy that I have finally come to tell him what I should've done a long time ago, but at the same time, it hurts me to know that I am really starting to let him go. Tinuod na gyud diay ni akoa..

This morning when I woke up, I read our text conversation twice or thrice and hurts even more each time. It's not that I don't want to be with him, but it's just not right anymore. I didn't agree to meet him, because I already grew tired of seeing him go. And if I have said yes, I know it would have been the same pattern and I wanted to give myself a break and stop starting from scratch over and over again.

After our text, I'm not sure if you would still text me ever again. I mean, I know you this much to figure that I hit your pride right there and then- Besides, aren't you used to hearing just all yes-es from me? And maybe the thought of this contributes a lot to the throbbing I feel now.

When you already have a girl friend ang sugot ghpon ko magsabay ta, happy kaayo ko right at that very moment but mag regret ko after coz masakitan napud ko. Pero gabii, I was sad kay chance na unta 2 to be with you again but I just decided to make it right pero wala nko regrets after. Fulfilling man pud diay ang feeling to once in a while protect yourself from your kryptonite.

happy harts day

2009-02-14T00:23:00.003+08:00

Xander gave me a secret prayer and up until now, I still pray it. Almost every day actually.

At times I wonder: "Are there some things that reminds you of me?" and that silver chain around your right wrist, "Do you think of me and sigh every time you look at that?"

Well, okay... honestly, what I'm really wondering is this: "Do you think of me as much as I think of you?" Coz as BullSh*t as it is, I think of you despite the strong urge not to. And what's more annoying is I don't know why even during at my busiest, this brain of mine still has that itsy bitsy corner for you. I hate it when I involuntarily turn around every time I hear a motorcycle pass by, and I hate it even more every time there's an urge to look back every time I pass by the street that locates your office. Right now, you're the one who makes me weak. I weaken every time I remember the feeling being with you. Being with you wasn't even magical, as a matter of fact, there were more anger and confusion than blissful moments. But I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND why I am still feeling all of these! I know you are happy - it shows looking at the only means I could based on. I too am happy, but I wonder how it feels to stop searching. I always have control over my life and this is something I have not mastered for I have never felt this lost before. I'm sure this isn't just all about you. I know there is something in me I should fix, but still can't since to start with, I don't even know which part of me to fix and how.

Awhile ago at the office, my office mate suddenly asked me if would I still give you a chance in case you come back to me. I was taken aback by the question and was made to think really hard, until I found my answer: "I'll be happy if that happens..for awhile. But, I don't think I can or should take him back anymore. Coz if I do, the more nothing would be left of me. If I take him back, I'm sure I'd still end up being taken for granted because I just assured him too much - once again - that I am just there always available for him. I already had become too much of a convenience for him that I think I deserve gaining my self-respect back."

So do I still wish him miserable? Well, there's another secret prayer for that part.

because

2009-02-13T15:51:00.003+08:00

Deafening outside noise, inner silence still triumphant
shut my eyes, saw you at the corner of my mind
this deep malady I must shunt
for what goodness could I get if I do not find?

time clicking so fast, my time getting even slower
this place seems so familiar, I've been here before I'm sure
still dazed with the burning fire
edges I memorize but this isn't something I want to inure

raise me up. bring me to the horizon
running like a child i can no longer do
perhaps some family needs an orphan
with a mess inside she can never undo

countdown

2009-02-13T01:34:00.002+08:00

5 more days to go and HELLO DUMZVILLE!!!

I'm so excited to be in Dumaguete! It's been almost a year, the longest that I haven't been to that place. And it's pretty amazing that despite the time gap, my friends and I have still managed to maintain whatever friendship we have.

THINGS I PLAN TO DO WHEN I GET TO DUMZ:

1. Bully my friends =)
2. Walk along Boulevard
3. Visit my Masscom family
4. Get my Good moral certificate
5. Eat sizzling pochero
6. Go to Sandbar
7. Hang out at Sted's
8. Walk around Silliman
9. Escaño
10. Meet with clint
11. Meet with my Geckos
12. Meet with the Zetans
13. Meet with Berna
14. Meet Bambi
15. Iritate Xander, Dok and JN. haha!
16. Take photos
17. Ride a motorcycle
18. Eat at the carenderia! haha
19. ZOmbie!!!!
20. kiss the ground. haha, JOKE.

2009-02-11T12:41:00.001+08:00

He reminds me to think about happy thoughts, and write about happy events.

Thank you starpee!

Sometimes you amaze me. haha! boo!

Taking a big leap

2009-02-03T16:43:00.003+08:00

One of my closest friends here in Davao will be taking what probably is one of the biggest leap she could ever take in her entire life. Of all people, she is the least person I expected this to happen to. I mean, I always saw her as someone who was under control of everything. Besides, it has always been the barkada's running joke on how ironic that back in high school we were judged by some people as someone who wouldn't be able to finish school, get pregnant right away and get married. However, we managed to prove them wrong. I mean, all of us are very much stable and each one of us is already enjoying a lucrative job. Until, the revelation that she shocked us last Sunday.

My girl friends and I were in the car driving our way to a coffee shop when during stucked in the traffic, our friend handed us a white oblong plastic. It was handed upside down and when one of our friends turned it around, we were left with nothing else to say but, "you're pregnant." No one among us 5 ever thought of the word abortion. Actually, I was proud that every one's first reaction was if our friend is okay and if she would marry her boyfriend.

When we got to the coffee shop, we all lit a cigarette except for that particular friend, of course. I mean, we are used to dealing with heartaches or even saving each others asses, but we never thought we would deal we something as life changing as this. Being pregnant was not the worry of my friend, since like what I said, she is already stable. Instead, she was worried on how to tell her parents.

Just hours ago, I received a text message saying that my friend is telling her parents right that very moment and it would be great if the four of us could go support her. However, since my work does not end until 5:30, I wasn't able to go. After 2-3 hours, I got a text from her saying that she'll be having a civil wedding any time next week, but in Manila (Just to keep things quiet for awhile. I mean, the least thing my friend needs now is the pressure and the judgment that the society could cruelly give).

I feel really hurt by the news, coz I feel that my friend isn't ready for marriage yet. But, I trust her. She always use her brains in times of decisions, and if ever she really decides to marry him, I know that's because she really wants it. er, i really do hope so.

Anyway, I can't wait to be done with work. My friends and I are meeting at the same coffee shop to talk about things. I feel very blessed knowing that my friends and I treasure each others opinions, that ever since high school, we have still managed to be each others retreat.

I know my friend will be taking a huge leap and she knows that too. But no matter how much leaping she will be doing, she really has nothing to worry about because rest assured, we will all be leaping huge with her. uhm, just incase she needs a friendly frog at hand *wink

Miracles do happen!

2009-02-02T19:46:00.002+08:00

Friday was a miracle-filled day! Do you believe in miracles?

Well, miracles doesn't always have to literally come from heaven. It can be as simple as getting a free ride home to yeah, maybe seeing an angel go down from above! hehe.. But, nonetheless, Miracles do exist! You just have to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the little wonders of life. Remember, not all that happens to you are bad. Even bad moments would eventually turn into good ones. Everything is just a matter of perspective and of course, Faith. So go on and keep on believing coz in this world where pain is no stranger, hope is the only thing that could keep you going.

Why my Friday was soOoooSooooo Miraculous!

1.) Thanks to my mom, I got back the most important documents of Sta. Lucia that I left in the taxi last Wednesday. (Mom had to go to the radio stations and Tv stations just to try her luck) thanks mom! you are my life saver.

2.) Din2x found us a very cheap ticket to Cebu, plus she lend me a thousand as so I could avail of the round trip tickets.

3.) YM was perfectly fast while Ayi was sending me adobe files, which saved my deadline! loveyou yi!

4.) My boss loved my project! wee!

5.) Totally forgot about Jon's birthday! Good thing Din2x convinced me an 18th flight instead of a 26th!

ctrl+alt+delete

2009-01-31T19:44:00.002+08:00

How are you? er wait! I'm not really sure if I wanna know...

Uhm, how can I explain this...

For some unexplainable weird reasons, I feel very happy. As a matter of fact, I smile for no reasons. You know how it is when one is really really inlove? that! I feel that! But, minus the really really inlove feeling and a particular guy. But the effect is exactly the same. Maybe this is because I am happier now with myself coz I've been spending so much time with and for myself. I've been focusing on my betterment, I am listening to music that does not remind me of you at all. And the only time that I would feel down is when I start missing you again (I label those moments as "episodes), and every time those episodes come, I just rush to a quiet corner where no one is around, close my eyes and pray to God and daddy to help me accept the things I can't change, change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. And I become okay. I owe a lot to my Faith and to my friends.

However, not missing you anymore at all is a struggle, especially if I start thinking that heart's day is approaching. I don't text you anymore, and you don't text me anymore either. I'm still praying that this would be a faster process. I know I'll be okay, but this is no easy thing to do. Pergaps scientist should just start inventing over-the-counter medicines that would instantly compartmentalized the things a person wants and does not want to remember. Or maybe that would be easier if Bill Gates cooperate too.

Dear God

2009-01-26T09:39:00.002+08:00

Dear God,

Please give me the strength and the wisdom to stay away from him. I don't wanna hurt anymore, I don't wanna long for him anymore. He has hurt me badly and he does not deserve this much of care and love that I have for him. I don't know of any other way to get through this, but to only offer all of these to you. God, I wanna wake up happy coz I can't remember anymore the last time that I did. I feel so alone and lonely. Please God, just take this pain away from me. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I love you

Amen

Tanya does slap hard!

2009-01-23T19:12:00.003+08:00

Go away... Go away and please just go away!

When will I ever have the strength to resist you? I think you are happy with her and yes it does gives me that painful feeling inside. I wanna say that I'm happy for you, but how can I claim that when I'm still hurting. Tanya is right. Ignoring and resisting you comes from the head, from my head damnit! You even tell me that you did not do me any wrong. Can you be more any heartless?! I remember praying to God that if someone "not for me" comes along, He shouldn't just give him to me. And maybe that's why I did not have you. I should remember every prayer that I say. You claim that you love her, but does she know you come to me every time you have a fight with her? Does she know that sometimes you come to me after you send her home? I don't know if that is still love, but for sure, that does not fit my definition. I should think beyond the pain. I should rationalize things better. If it became US, I'm sure you would do the same thing to me too and God just loves me so much to spare me from that. Now, I don't have the urge to keep in touch with you anymore. My next struggle is to completely ignore you when you come looking for me. I pray that you'd realize everything that you have done. I got so stuck with the good person you were before that I got blinded on how much you have suddenly become a monster.

tama na

2009-01-18T12:27:00.003+08:00

I can do this.. I can do this.. I can do this...

I am terribly missing you. I am struggling to take you away from my mind, from my heart, to take you away from my life. I know this is just a phase. I know sooner or later I will be okay. I don't wanna think about whatever we had before, because it is hurting me like hell. I wished I never met you again, I wished at the very beginning I just didn't entertain the thought of you as something beautiful. I want you to know how wrong you have done me and how stupid your actions were, but you do not have the right to know my feelings anymore. I want you out of my system and I want that fast! You know what we had was something wonderful, but you chose to throw them all away. When I told you that I should get mad at you, but just don't wanna be, you even asked me why. Are you really that cold-hearted? or you just really wanted me to spell that out for you?

I want to believe that I am okay. But the truth is, I'm not and the only time that I could finally say that I am is when I stop wishing that you would be miserable. God knows how much I want to wish you well, but I am no saint and much more I am no God.

They say I shouldn't rush the healing and I agree. I know this will take some time, but would it be too much to ask God to make it a little bit sooner?

I'm happier without you

2009-01-16T08:55:00.005+08:00

You sent me a text last Monday telling me that you already have a girlfriend, and the moment I read your text, I struggled just to compose myself in the office trying hard not to faint. I took a half day at work because I knew very well that the pain would last me the whole day (Didn't I used to be your every day?). Immediately, I met up with my friends and we drank the whole night away.

I was so mad at you that the tears running down my cheeks were more of hate than just "ouch." How can you meet someone on a Saturday and be her boyfriend just hours after?? Major Asshole. To add insult to the injury, you even told me that nothing between us should change. Fuck?! You want us to be the same? lucky you mister feeling Adonis! Argh.

Right away, I wanted to know who the girl is. I admit, for a moment, the thought that you were with her was stabbing me so deeply. But, when I finally found out who the girl is, it helped me to become better (let me stop here before I say something mean).

For almost 4 months, I was trying to fight for us. Trying to work things out, trying to ease that fear you have in your heart. But would it make the love I had for you questionable if I say that it only took me 3 days to be okay? I'm not saying that I have totally moved on, but I am so much happier.

I wasn't expecting that being without you would give me peace of mind. Since the day I decided that you are not part of my life anymore, every thing just seems so light, so easy. For some unexplainable reasons, I grew tired of listening to songs that reminds me of you and finds myself humming new love songs and other feel-good music.

My friends told me that I should not see you yet, coz my heart isn't ready for that yet. I know my friends were right, but I wanted to figure out ASAP if I'm really already okay. Besides, I don't want to be in denial of the pain and convince myself wrongly that I'm okay. Mas ganahan kog one time big time ang sakit, kaysa na okay ko karon then mata ko kalit then boom! tang ina, sakit pa diay! So, last night, we were at the house together.

You noticed changes that I didn't even notice. Like, how cold I have become and how suddenly casual I was to you. Whatever my actions were are of nothing intentional. You know me, my gestures follow what my heart dictates.

I realized that I shouldn't hate you, because whether love or hate, these are still feelings and you don't deserve any of those from me. I have already exhausted so much for you, that I'm giving them back to myself.

This is a very exciting begining for me. I had my hair cut to make me feel better within and I am spending more time with my friends and meeting new people.

I may not hate you as much as I want to nor hate you as much as you deserve, but one thing is for certain, I CAN NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY AGAIN.

fuck you

2009-01-05T17:30:00.002+08:00

You just played me. You know what, the least thing you could've done was to face me like a real man. Rather, you chose to drop me like a hot potato. I'm hurt not because you don't love me, but because you didn't care at all even just as a friend. I am deeply hurt and I am mad at you. well, more of hurt actually. I'm gonna heal soon and fuck you.

again

2009-01-01T21:55:00.002+08:00

This isn't the first time that there is something wrong between us, but this is the first time that I feel he is doing a conscious effort to let me go. As usual, I don't understand what really is going on inside his head, simply because he never tells me. I don't know if he really is letting me go or if he is just taking some time to think things over. I tried to reach out, but of course it has been all useless since without his cooperation. I've been praying to God and to my father to help me understand, even just on my own. I think this is for the better and I am so certain that all I need is time. Time to heal and time to fully realize that what we had isn't really as beautiful as I think it is.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T00:26:00.002+08:00

It's my second Christmas with blogspot.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!! and Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

to a friend who is unconditional

2008-12-19T20:17:00.002+08:00

Having a friend who is heart broken is not new to me anymore. It is not that I am getting used it already, because it still pains me the same, but I just acknowledge the fact that even though how my friend may seem to be so assertive and all, he still has a broken heart deep inside. Last night, my friend and I had a text conversation and we shared our views on what lessons we have learned from our painful experiences with love. He told me that his was that love is not and will never be on his side. I understand where he is coming from, as a matter of fact, I know he has all the reasons to think that way. That is why, it made me thinking, how many wonderful people capable of giving so much love already gave up on it just because of someone the opposite? Why won't just be there a force wherein two people who are both capable of giving the same just meet? I do not know the exact answers to my questions. But whatever it is, if people gives up on love, I hope love will do its toll this time and do the fighting. Deep in my heart I know my friend will love again, and if that happens, the next person would still be the luckiest. However, if my friend decides to contradict on love for the rest of his life, I'm sure someone must be out there to prove him love's worth once more.

hey

2008-12-19T20:11:00.002+08:00

Do you know that you make me blush every time you demand for my time? that you bring butterflies in my stomach every time you unconsciously caress my arms? that you make me feel special when you ask for my opinions of decisions that are important to you? and most of all, do you know that I am becoming to love you every single day? I can't tell you this yet, but someday I hope I could tell you that last night was one of the sweetest. Despite how tired we were - especially you - you still went to the house and just hugged each other until we both fell asleep. We didn't talk much nor did any thing much, but it made me feel that it doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're beside each other we can finally call it a day.

Babe

2008-12-17T12:45:00.003+08:00

They asked me if my tummy hurts when I think of you, when my hands shake when you are somewhere near or when my head aches just thinking about you. I gave them a long pause. A long pause not because I had no for an answer, but because I was gleefully recounting all moments where the way you smiled made my tummy hurts, the scent of your body made my hands shake and how much our guessing game has been making my head ache. Could this be love? I do not know, though I hope it is. I wanna love you, I wanna take care of you. And, for the first time of my loving experience, I am not expecting any thing in return. If only you would realize how much capable I am of loving you this time. I know I caused you so much pain, but I am willing to make up for all of it. I can shield those hurts I caused you, if only you would allow me to. Babe, think about us. And if it is not too much to ask from you, think about us while I still have the strength to hold from this never ending limbo. I love you. And for some strange reasons, I think you feel the same way too. I understand where your fear is coming from, but Babe, I am afraid too. Can't we just face this fear together? Think about us.

Now i know.

2008-12-16T09:30:00.002+08:00

For the longest time, I've been wanting to find that perfect timing to have the chance to straight the records straight with you. However, I've been apprehensive thinking that it might not be a good idea. Until, last night, you texted me what seemed to be an opener for that conversation. Out of nowhere, you told me that you already feel ashamed since you can't return the love that I'm giving you. My hands were shaking while I read your text, but I did not let my emotions overpower me because I know that it is the last thing that situation needs. I asked you if you can't give us another chance, and you explained: you said you are already scared coz you know I am capable of hurting you over and over again. I told you that if ever you really are closing your doors, then it is just right that you let me go. But then again, you said no.

Mending a little bit sooner

2008-12-08T00:19:00.005+08:00

I'm letting you go not because I have come to love you less or lost my care for you, but because you never gave me the reason to stay. Sometimes you make me feel that I should just stick around, while sometimes you make me feel like I'm just another ordinary woman to you. If you think that this is easy for me, then perhaps that is how insensitive you can get. I may seem okay and happy when you see me around, but that is just because a happy face is the only shield left for my protection. I used to think that this was just a guessing game, until I realized that maybe this was only unclear at my end. That maybe all these times, what we have is really clear to you - that I am just that woman whom you used to fall in love with a long time ago. I am missing you terribly and I am trying to be stronger each day because I know finally letting this go is the right thing to do. All my life I have always followed my heart, unmindful of whatever hurt it might cause me. But, all of it has failed. And this time might be the time to give my brain a chance to rule my decisions, hoping that this brain of mine would know my way to happiness. Every day I wonder where you are, what you might be doing, and who you are with. And, the thought of you being with another woman stabs me like a knife. Honestly, if you really are with another woman, I'd rather not know. I just hope that in the 24 hours of your day, even just a second of that you spend thinking about me or wondering where I could be. I might be in this limbo for a while or not, but I'm sure time heals all wounds. At least now every day does not seem day one anymore. Every day is growing with me knowing that I am finally letting you go. If one day you'll realize that it was a mistake letting me go and if one day you'll realize that you should've cared for me more, then I hope that heart of yours will find it's way back to me. However, if you continue to live each day getting used to not having me around anymore, then at least I have started mending my heart a little bit sooner.

dumaguete L-O-V-E

2008-12-07T17:27:00.002+08:00

I'm leaving for the states. Not any time soon though, well that's if you start counting today. But, as early as now, I'm feeling depressed already. It feels like I'll be leaving a lot behind me. Aside from the anxiety of what is up for me in the states, I feel that my life here in Pinas is just starting and I'm leaving it right away. Sometimes I wish that instead of a ticket for US, they just bought me a one-way ticket to Dumaguete. I don't know, I just never got used to not being in Dumaguete to think that it has almost been a year. I have good friends here in Davao, but my friends in Dumaguete are more of a family than just friends. Those people know the real me, even the shit in me. With them I can laugh out loud without anyone shutting me up and get really upset without the pressure of explaining. But, like anyone else's, my life has to move on too. I guess sometimes I just have to be distant from the people and form the life that I love so much, but I'm sure that's not gonna be forever. I am trusting, deep in my heart, that I'm gonna meet my Dumaguete friends again. I don't care if it's gonna be as early as next year or as later when we are all already 30 to 40-ish. I don't know. Coz of all the love in the world, the love we have for each other is a sure thing.

Goodluck to me

2008-12-05T13:02:00.002+08:00

The escape is finally processing. Until when will it last? I dunno. And what will be brought upon by this? The more I dunno. But whatever it may be, I'm hoping and wishing for the best. Pretty tired, u know ;p... I'm using my heart to take care of those people I love and my brain to protect myself.

argh

2008-12-04T15:39:00.002+08:00

TANG INA KA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colorgenics

2008-12-03T19:27:00.000+08:00

Name: bea
Date: 12/3/2008
Colorgenics Number: 13742650

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

Your situation is such that at this time it is essential that you resolve your inherent problems immediately. You are not listening nor taking heed from your many friends and advisers, all of which believe it or not, 'wish you well'. Most of your colleagues feel that your attitude is out of context - an attitude of recklessness and desperation. It is imperative that some solution be found, but whatever you do, think before you act.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

You are on tenterhooks and appear to be extremely nervous and upset. You are bored and you feel that life has far more to offer than this present day mundane existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you - but forever under control.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

http://www.goldinuniverse.com

Revelation

2008-12-02T01:08:00.006+08:00

1:45 am and he just left the house. I made him blueberry cheesecake, gave him the miniature motorcycle I found at the mall and we watched a movie together. While he was still so engrossed with the movie, I borrowed his phone and he gave it to me. My alibi was that I wanted to listen to the new songs he downloaded, but the truth was, I wanted to check his message inbox and so I did. Majority of his inbox are my messages. I don't think that was something to be happy about coz I sense that maybe he isn't just the type who would clear his inbox every so often (he has more than 500 SMS in his inbox and more than 300 in his sent). In his inbox are also messages from a girl named Kai. And since I began to be more curious, I read his sent items too. I felt my legs weakened and my heart crumpled as I read in his sent items about his text to the girl saying that he has fallen for the girl. I tried so hard to compose myself and pretend that I was okay. I cannot freak out, I do not have the right to because I am not his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, I don't know what I am to him. I read the girl's text too and she said that she just sees him as a friend. But even though finding out that the girl does not feel the same, still, it did not comfort me. Not knowing what he feels for me that I can handle, but finding out that he feels for another what I feel for him is just something I could not bear. All the time that I thought he was busy doing over time at work, he was dating the girl. He just met the girl last November 24, 2008 and he already felt that. Now I know where I stand in his life, if that's of any consolation to me. Countless of times I told him that I should distant myself from him, but I never did simply because my heart can't. But, this time, I think I should just really go. And I shouldn't tell him anymore, I should just do it. I need to escape from this while I still can. I should stop putting myself to this trap. After he left, I've been wanting to cry, but I just felt so numb that I don't even know which emotion should I cater first. Every after any heart break, I tell myself that I should find someone who loves me more than I love him, but I always fail to stick to my words. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another struggle for me to get over him and spare myself from further pains. I knew it. Every day with him is day one. I should stop this. It is only me who can protect myself.

Now I have proven that if a guy has lesser time for you, 99.9% is that he has someone else.

blisters

2008-11-26T22:13:00.002+08:00

It's just like keeping safe the dark chocolate that you love best and finding out one day that your older brother ate it. No matter how much your mom buys you the same chocolate again, the excitement isn't just the same anymore. The disappointment of not finding the thing that you most looked forward to will always remain. Your brother is forgiven, of course. But, with a promise that you will never keep anything so special to you anymore and that you will never, ever have another favorite ever again.

to the air beneath my wings

2008-11-25T22:18:00.006+08:00

I am moving few steps backward for awhile, and I hope you guys are patient enough and love me enough not to hate me. If you really know me, you should already know and understand that I am not good with sharing whatever emotions I have, I'm more used to dealing with my shit alone. I am taking few moments alone to think things over and this time I want to decide on what I THINK is best and not just merely on whatever I'm feeling or whatever you guys think and feel I should do. I am not taking you for granted, as a natter of fact, I love you guys so much that I want to save my values before abandonment, anger, confusion and pain takes over it. This shouldn' t take me so long and trust in me that I will not go that far.

Another War

2008-11-25T11:52:00.003+08:00

Another cold war.

The captive is desperate, desperate to struggle away from the cold captivity that has trapped her inner strength into a coil of emotions that has been strongly manipulated by another person's desire, by another person's law.

Being in a world where she does not have control of was her choice. A choice she thought she could handle, a choice she thought would someday bring triumph. She fought hard for that little space left for her, doing every thing a woman can possibly do just to survive what was supposed to be a man's fight. Every now and then, she shed some tears but the want was so much stronger than the need to just give up.

Until, there was so much little left of her. Moving two steps backward from the war and for the first time saw the whole picture - she was alone. She ran from the left corner of the room and to her surprise, crashed glasses encountered her. Blood starting to drip from her arm, but she did not mind. Angry and exhausted, she went down to her knees and screamed her heart out for the first time. The world she has been fighting for all these times is just of nothing special, only a world surrounded by broken glass mirrors.

what date is it today?

2008-11-24T23:02:00.001+08:00

It's always day one. No calendar for me, I guess.

Superwoman

2008-11-24T22:48:00.004+08:00

2 red apples, a syrup of vanilla, a litter of water, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, a scatter of paper ashes and a minute chanting..

Why can't an invisibility potion be made that easy? Or maybe a sudden hit by something hard on the head could trigger such power or a an accidental rubbing of a magical lamp, who knows.

I wonder how it feels to be invisible even just for a day. You know, being able to hear people's secrets and being able to watch over someone without getting caught. Or if not an invisibility potion, I think having the power to control time would be great too.

I believe that there is someone up there who is great and immortal, but sometimes when my brain has all the time to wander, a lot of thoughts get entertained by my head. What if there is something beyond that is way greater, that there is something about human being and life that is still yet to be discovered. What if everything is just a force of nature.

On times that I do not have control of everything, i just can't help but to ponder if there is one thing that should be done or a button to be pressed just to make things a lot easier.

Wish List

2008-11-23T22:52:00.006+08:00

SANTA CAN'T KNOW THIS BLOG EXIST OR ELSE I'LL HAVE AN EVEN LESSER CHANCE OF GETTING MY CHIRSTMAS WISH LIST:

1. 15-inch MacBook Pro
2. ipod shuffle
3. nokia express music
4. red Alfa Romeo
5. perfect black dress
6. all expense paid trip to Dumaguete
7. cheesecake
8. a pet turtle
9. an island in Maldives
10. an hour call from Carra (yes, 1 hour jud. haha)
11. a dvd copy of one true love (haha,shoot me)
12. a romantic and sincere relationship (kani shoot me na jud! haha)
13. a dream with daddy in it
14. be with kuya Ron, John and Jairah
15. an unlimited credit card charged to anyone else but me and my family
16. an Art of war book
17. a complete Sidney Sheldon collection
18. a book on event organizing
19. to be in Oprah's "favorite 10 things" episode
20. the perfect diary

and.... WORLD PEACE =p

hehe... wish list ra gud. tanawon n2 unsay matuman diha. hehe =)

Good Night World!

2008-11-23T19:49:00.003+08:00

It's funny how sleep can be an alternative form of escape, well at least for awhile or at least when you don't dream about the main reason why you just don't wanna stay awake. I don't know the exact scientific or superstitious explanation, but it's surprising and quite close to irritating when you dream about that one thing that you are scared of or that specific moment that you are running away from. The fears and uncertainties continue to haunt you as if you have done wrong to their gods or goddesses. However, the most ironic part is, even if when you've dreamed about it, still you are half happy that you did. Maybe this is what they call as masochism, wanting more what hurts the most. And just to give yourself a little favor and a little more reason to inhale and exhale, you try to convince yourself that it's you who is unreasonable and that you are just over analyzing a problem that is just self-inflicted after all, besides you are the ultimate warrior when it comes to battling your heart against you mind. There are no perfect words to explain what you are feeling, except that it feels like you are having a major cardiac arrest when in fact, your doctor just examined that your heart is in perfect condition - You know you should've asked for a second, third or forth opinion, who cares? Eventually, you get tired of fighting the inevitable and just willingly submit yourself to sleep hoping that tonights dream would at least be on your side.

Divine Intervention

2008-11-23T11:20:00.004+08:00

Each and every one will surely experience the greatest enlightenment of their lives, and I had just mine on a cold, gloomy Saturday afternoon.

Tanya: Bei, I just broke up with guy A and guy B hasn't texted since he dropped me off at work. I've been crying like a baby. When something happy happens it really is happy... happy. but when something is sad, it really is super sad.. sad naman.

Bea: Tan, can you give me like 3 mins. to compose myself? I just woke up. I don't wanna suggest suicide when all I really wanted to say was just self hurt.

Tanya: Bitch! okay. I'm counting =)

.......

Tanya: Bei, if you being a friend is innate, I wouldn't have to wait for 3 mins.

Bea: haha! uhm, Tan, bka this is something you should've done before pa. And besides, you're happy with guy B. You deserve someone like guy B. And what's the diff? How many times have we risked with a complicated guy? What is it to risk something for that "perfect" guy for a change?

Tanya: What if guy B isn't that really serious after all?

Bea: Oh well, Hello Blue Margarita for us then!!! Just be happy what is happening now and whatever happens tomorrow, is something we will think about tomorrow.

Tanya: Haha! Mai Thai nalang at Jickongs! Thanks Bei. Finally, a solid advice from a friend. It's kinda stressing having to ask from stupid girl and from our tomboy friend. haha

Bea: And what made you think that asking about love and sex to a virgin religious girl and to a we're-not-sure-if-virgin tomboy friend is such a good idea?! LOL. Oh, we love them both!

Tanya: Uhm Woman! Because you woke up so fucking late! Where have you been last night ba?!

(After 30 minutes)

Bea: Tan, Do you know the feeling of an occasional lover? so occasional happiness din?

Tanya: Bea! You are talking to a woman who has been with 20 fucking a*holes!

Bea: Worth it kaya...

Tanya: Why won't he commit ba?

Bea: I dunno. Do I wanna commit? urgh. Take things slow daw, & I stopped asking narin coz I don't wanna be a pushover.

Tanya: How long have you been dating **** ba?

Bea: Almost 3 mos...

Tanya: 3 months palang naman! Thats ok... Just keep playing UNLESS a better game comes along :p i swear we have invisible balls!

Bea: hahaha!!! Thanks Tan! I'm keeping this text in my inbox.

Tanya: haha! Mai Thai?

Bea: No. Blue Margarita =D 8pm.

Tanya: ok. same place. later!

falter moments

2008-11-22T17:21:00.003+08:00

Occasional lover, lover friend, occasional happiness. Is it all worth it? How does one know if one thing is worth risking and if it is already worth stopping?

He is like my addiction, my kryptonite. He makes me both happy and sad, but being without him is just like doing my every day routine just for the heck of it. There are times when I just wanna let go, but at the end of the day, finds myself too weak to do it. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that life and love is really like this, that it is a cycle of happiness and sadness. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that not every one is lucky enough to find that one right person to love, and sometimes I'm beginning to think that I am one of those people.

Should I just settle to this kind of happiness? is really living one day at a time the right thing to do? I am scared, very scared. If only I know what's in his heart, what's in his mind. But then again, if i do, what if it's something I really shouldn't just know about?

This heart of mine needs some seminar, or a Love 101 class if there's such a thing. I wish I was just this cold-hearted person, who can switch all emotions any time I want to. I know he is just there and I also know that he can leave any time he wants to and I can't do anything about it. Are men really more of a good actors than women?

issues

2008-11-22T09:25:00.002+08:00

I have abandonment issues.

When in a relationship, I used to believe that I should really show how much I truly care and love a person. I used to believe that every thing should be in order, and that there should be "security" as for the both of us to know where we stand in each others lives. Until, broken promises were made and it also broke every thing of me. When my relationships end, I always end up being so hurt that sometimes I wished that easing the pain was as easy as vomiting. I jumped from one relationship to another, hoping that by not wasting time, I might be able to find that one perfect love - I became so much impatient on love.

I was a love bug. I used to dream about happily-ever-afters, and believed on love letters and theme songs. Until, I grew tired of it. However, I'm not saying that I gave up on love coz I did not and I don't think I'd ever will.

I decided to give myself a break from my love searching and just allowed love to find me instead. And after a year of being single, I am inlove again but not in a relationship. We do the things people in a relationship do, but we never talked anything about being in a relationship together. It really is complicated. So complicated that it sometimes crossed my mind to just distant myself away from him and spare myself from pain. But, as I think about it and imagine us being together, I know I myself is not yet ready.

It's just weird how something this complicated can make me feel this happy and content. Some people may define this as "settling for less," but I see what we have as "taking time." I mean, I have no where else to go, I am already deeply inlove. If pain is the issue, with or without commitment, I'd still going to feel pain. I mean, I learned to accept that love and pain is a combo and that is why there is a cliche that says: "Love is a risk."

I'm starting to feel that having no commitment reminds me from not expecting anything, thus sparing myself from disappointments. And because there are no expectations, even the littlest things from him becomes beautiful surprises.

Last night, I was in a taxi on my way home when I realized that the difference between what I have with him and what i had with my other relationships is that with him, I am not blinded with the fact that I can get hurt. I know this will soon hurt and its gonna cost me more blogging, more winston lights and more blue margarita pitchers. But, im hoping that it's not gonna be as breaking (though I'm sure when this comes I'd still wanna vomit). Besides, what promises are there to break when there weren't any promises made to start with?

I have come to accept that you can't always expect for people you love to be there forever. So now, I have outgrown my abandonment issues. I have now what they call comittment issues.

And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

You Are My Beautiful Surprise

2008-11-21T11:12:00.000+08:00

You are my susceptibility, my strength, my morning coffee and my midnight cigarette
The feeling is a mixture of excitement, danger and nervousness with surprising bliss moments on top
Every word that comes out from your mouth I long to listen to
and every stolen glance and smile you give me gives butterflies in my stomach

It was not the perfect night I used to imagine while reading one of my favorite romantic novels. There were no birds humming, no roses to make me swoon over you even more, and no lying on the sand while gazing at the stage of stars above. But, it was still one of the most beautiful nights of my entire life. You made it seemed like nothing else mattered that time except you and I.

I thought princesses are only those who wear crowns above their heads with stunning dresses to compliment their blue eyes, until you made me feel that I was a princess on a Thursday night.

I think I have just cornered myself in deep vexation. So deep that I don't even mind being buried alive.

Salamat

2008-11-20T09:45:00.000+08:00

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

Secrets of an Occasional Lover

2008-11-20T09:27:00.000+08:00

WOULD I RATHER BE THE GIRL HE SHARES HIS SECRETS WITH? OR THE GIRL HIS SECRETS ARE ABOUT?

I usually doubt his honesty, but I'm not sure either if knowing the whole truth would make things better. He tells me things that he thinks I should know about and shuts me off when he thinks I'm crossing the line. It took two fucking cold treatments from him before I finally realized that I am not his brat. Two fucking cold treatments from him before it fully got into me that showing too much emotions I have for him would just push him away instead of keeping us together. I finally learned to let him know that I love him, but still gives him this occasional chance to ponder if I really do. Perhaps I call that my personal art of war on Love - the chasing and the reading of the mind. It's true that the feeling of security is important, but once you treat it as if it's a freebie, you just killed the mystery that keeps the fire burning.

And besides, what does an occasional lover got to complain?

I'm still sticking to being that girl his secrets are about.

He Said... She Said...

2008-11-17T10:56:00.000+08:00

He worries when you're out all night and follows-up if you have gone home safely. He texts you every now and then just to remind you to take your meal and you do the same thing. He does you favors you know he wouldn't just do to any one else. He questions those times when you don't reply to his texts right away. And most of all, both of you have sex every so often.

He tells you you are special and that both of you should just enjoy each other, while you just smile and agree when deep inside you know you want more than that, you know you want assurance. So yeah, he is not your boyfriend and you are not his girlfriend. Exclusively dating? not even.

Your friends ask you what the real score is, and when you have just started saying special frie... your friends just finished the word "bullshit" in chorus. Of course you won't care anyway coz you know you really are "special friends" (bullshit). Him bringing you McDonalds, chocolates and planning what gift to give you on Christmas are just few of th things that can support it.

For awhile, you are this strong woman who like him is just enjoying each other. Until, the inevitable happens, you became emotional and it complicated things - er, according to him at least. You broke down and confessed your love to him, he threw the ball back at you by saying that it was your fault. Desperate of wanting to see him after the "fight," you flood him with texts, while he simply just ignores. And when you already become "too" irritating, he finally texts you telling you that you are unreasonable and that you are not his girlfriend.

It hits you big time. Yeah, you know that from the very start, but it's different when you really hear it from another person, especially when it comes from the last person you want to hear it from. So, trying to protect the littlest sense of pride left for your being, you struggle to distance yourself from him. There are moments when you just had to text him once or twice a day, until you finally found a way not to totally text him at all. And when you finally become numb of not having him, not texting or calling him for a week, you recieve a message from him saying he misses you. After some desperate attempts to ignore him, you reply the expected - I missed you too.

Secretly you are happy that he finally texted and as not to spoil the moment, you agree that it was just your fault. And then you go back to being "special friends."

Mama2x paano ako ginawa?

2008-03-25T12:29:00.001+08:00

Anak: mama, ano po ba ang sex?

Mama: Naku anak! saan mo ba narinig yan? Inday! Inday! Ano ba itong ipinapanood ninyo sa TV, huh?! diba sabi ko sayo cartoon network lang! Inday! Nakikinig ka ba?!

Anak: eh, ano nga po ang sex mama?

Mama: Haay naku anak! late na ako sa trabaho at huwag mo nang iisipin yan ha? masama yan! (sabay alis papuntang opisina...)

Anak: YAYA, ano nga po ba ang sex?

Inday: ay hijo, ang sex kung sa bisaya ay................ blah... blah...

(gud luck!)

Naranasan mo na bang?

2008-03-24T17:07:00.001+08:00

Naranasan mo na bang.....

mainip sa kakahintay ng iyong autoload o e-load?

magising ng alas otso para sa klase mong alas siyete?

maubusan ng pera isang araw bago ang inyong beach outing?

magdala ng gatorade at matanong ng "painom?"

mangapa sa dilim at biglang maisip na, "pucha! may ilaw nga pala kami!"?

malabasan ng tubig sa ilong nang dahil sa kakatawa?

maipit ng panty mo ang palda mo sa likod?

umorder ng kadami-dami at magsisi sa huli?

bumili ng peke at magsisi?

umorder ng large fries, double burger at DIET coke?

tumawa ng malakas sa library?

mahilo sa MRT?

makalimutang ang iyong pitaka kasama nang inyong deyt?

bumasa ng librong makapal at walang maintindihan?

bumasa ng librong 20 pages at wala paring maintindihan?

matahimik sa harap ng isang dayuhan?

magsisi at bakit hindi mo sineryoso ang iyong Spanish class?

magdala ng kodigo sa mahaba niyong exam?

magsinungaling at mahuli?

at higit sa lahat......

naranasan mo na bang magtanong kahit na alam mo na ang sagot?

after years and years...

2008-03-22T02:40:00.000+08:00

As much as I try myself from not over doing the excitements of the newly graduates, I can't help but scribble a little bit. Life certainly has its wonders. Yesterday you were still cramming for your long major exam, and before you knew it, you are already standing, taking oath and shifting your tassel to the left corner of your cap. What's next? you should ask. Now I know why school is sometimes better, and safer if I may say. When you were still in the four corners of your alma mater, at least you'd know what to do tomorrow - wake up early, eat breakfast, go to school. But, when all of those have come to an end, you suddenly realize that for the first time in your life, you do not know what to do next. You suddenly fear the imagery of being poor. because true enough, your choices today will either make your or break you. Welcome to the real world! as how most of the professionals would say. I wonder what my first job would be like, and I wonder how would my first salary pay would feel. I want to do millions of things, if only all of those are possible and necessary. Sometimes, I would still wish that I'd be in school tomorrow. Sometimes, I wish I still have an exam to pass. But, being in college forever wasn't my eternal plan. Damn i don't wanna be a bum. Hopefully, a month or two of soul searching will do the job.

Letter

2008-02-26T18:05:00.000+08:00

A letter from a daughter to the person who makes her weak and strong all at the same time, to the person who makes her nervous, to the person whom she thinks of everyday, and to the person who she calls mom.

I know you've been through hell and all that shit. I know it wasn't easy, i mean c'mon, I'd be dead crazy if I was in your position. EverytimeI think of you I feel anxious, anxious because I know that in every action that I do, the reaction is double to you. But, sometimes, I wish that you'd understand that everytime I try to be strong for you, I am slowly getting weak for myself. Being your shock absorber is fine with me, but do you really wanna make it as a habit? I seriously wanna be there for you, all the time mom. But, I am scared that being closer to you might just lead me into hating you, and I don't like that. What you just don't know is that I have beautiful plans for my life mom, but it would mean being away from you that is why I am changing those a little bit. I want you to know that no matter how scared I am today, I am still gonna be there for you today, tomorrow and the tomorrows after. I love you mom and all I want is for you to do me a little favor? make me your shock absorber, but leave a little space for comfort please.

Fuck you - literally!!!

2008-01-11T12:32:00.000+08:00

Thin cushion laying on the wooden floor, lights off, tears falling, me begging.

Not again, oh no, not again

sitting up face-to-face, you try to make me understand

but my brain isn't just processing and my heart saying that this pain i can't stand

Laying my hands against yours and yours against mine

Oh God don't think that I don't know it's unfair

I know my needs and wants when I'm with you is insatiable

While you doing this over and over again isn't something unbelievable

If fighting for this again is a battle we can never win

then, I might as well exposed all my feelings inside

So I'm laying you down and my lips is with you

For I know that tomorrow would be easier if I could say that at least I fucked you

Hayskul nostalgia

2008-01-07T00:59:00.000+08:00

The people you fell inlove with when you were still a teen will change, but just in a way that will make you love them even more.
Friendship isn't just being sweet and funny, but its about being there to laugh both about the jokes and insults, and finding sweetness even in the sourest amount of bill that everyone has to pay. hehe >3

driving back and forth

2008-01-05T17:40:00.000+08:00

When your past starts to hunt you and you begin to re-discover, you realized that rediscovering wasn't such a good idea at all. You scan the letters, the pictures and then the memories and find yourself crying to sleep once more.

He was my love, my true love and it scares me that what if, just what if, true love really only happens once in a lifetime and my chance had already passed by - if only it did not came sooner. I know I don't have the right to get hurt anymore. He is already happy with his own life, with someone else, while here I am, still broken. Being more and more broken.

Feliz Navidad?

2007-12-24T22:18:00.002+08:00

Another season of gift giving and traditional family gatherings. Adults and kids alike cheer to celebrate the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ. The warmth of the christmas tree brings happiness and joy to every houses as children sing their carols in exchange for sweet little favors from both willing and unwilling neighbors. Every year, christmas has been festive - buffet, exchange gifts and shindigs. Though this year is a cold one, still christmas reminds that it is not only a celebration for those loved-ones around, but for those loved-ones who passed away as well. Feliz Navidad!

Not perfectly written and I love it!

2007-11-11T21:25:00.000+08:00

I have a home and it is where I grew up in. It is where I studied my first education, met my first friends, and where I found and met my first love. My home is not something that I can constantly complain about. As a matter of fact, I think all its imperfections made it even more perfect. And, as I grow up and begin to see the bigger picture of what life really means, my aspirations and dreams grew with it as well. However, even though how much I adore my home, I figured that I wanted to be in another unfamiliar place and not just for me to be independent, but for me to adore and love my home even more - besides they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. That unfamiliar place became my second home and it simply amazes me how possible it was for a person to consider two homes in one lifetime. I travel - from one home to another. When the situation in my first home gets a little bit harder for me to bear, I immediately imagine myself going back to my second home, and when the situation in my second home becomes a little bit more intoxicating, I immediately rush myself back to my first home. Everybody tells me that I am strong and I believe that I am. But, right now I am thinking: was I just strong because I know I can run from one home to another? What if the time comes that I wouldn't be able to go back to my second home for a long time? Would I be that strong enough to bear and face my first home? I have never been uncertain in my entire life. I have always been proud of myself when it comes to handling problems for I never ran away from it. I mean, I am and was never the type who prefers alcohol over crying just to forget my problems and struggle even just for awhile. I am the type who hates pain, but loves to feel the every second of its throbbing until its gone or until I'm too tired and dehydrated to entertain it. However, with this backpacking from my one home to another, the thought scares me that maybe I was unconsciously running from all those problems all along. When I first knew about my father, I walked so fast even without destination - I didn't wallow in one corner nor cried. I am now in my first home and Man! I can't wait to go back to my second home. Before coming here, I had a plan. I planned to prepare for my brother's wedding the best way that I can, spend time with my friends as intimate as possible, be with my lover as often as we could, and to top it all, comfort and love my mom in the best possible way that can. But, everything just seems to fall out of place. I feel that no matter how much I try, I can never do the right thing in my first home while in my second home, I was the problem solver, the person whom everybody runs to. Everything I say or do always seem to cause trouble and when just when I feel so happy, my loneliness just keeps on knocking on my door that I do not have the strength nor the power to decline its entrance. When I'm extremely depressed and no one is there to talk to me - which rarely happens - I get even more depressed because I feel alone even though I am not. I am becoming more selfish as I already was. In reality, I am still that little-miss-bratty-daddy's girl who is head over heels dependent. I want to scream to my heart's content and break things until there is nothing much left to break anymore. I want to write until every letter and every punctuation marks are all used up. And most of all, I want to walk and walk hoping that I might find a third home (Oh God I'm planning of running - again). I wish somebody would just come up to me - I don't care whether its a longtime friend or a stranger - and shout to my face that I am the weakest person ever. Of course I would put an act that I am insulted and I would defend myself, but after all the commotion subsided, I would secretly thank that person for acknowledging the part that I was never allowed to play in this stage I call life. Don't get me wrong. I once had that person. I once had that hero, but as simple english implies, "had" is in the past tense form of a word.

DREAM

2007-10-24T12:13:00.001+08:00

I felt that you were standing behind me, so I turned around and true enough there you were staring back at me smiling and looking healthy. Looking so handsome in your green striped polo shirt, I felt so happy seeing you again after all these years. I shouted with excitement calling your name and I ran towards you and I hugged you really tight. As you walk towards the room, I held your hand with no plans of letting go. Still smiling, you told me that it was already time for you to go but I insisted that you see mom first and so we did. You told mom that she was very sweet and I was too, then when I asked you if you were happy, you kissed me on my forehead then on my lips and said that you've never been happier. After that sweet moment, again, you told me that you really have to go. I didn't let go of your hand yet - I asked you if we could go and see kuya John. We went outside and after Kuya John saw you, Kuya and I hugged real tight and after a very blissful moment, I caught myself catching my breathe and I woke up to the comfort of my bed, in the coldness of my room. As what I asked of you the night before, you showed yourself to me in my dream for the first time. Yesterday was the 40th day since you died and they say that after 40 days, it is when the soul finally leave the earth and goes home to the paradise with the heavenly Father. Thank you for that very memorable and sweet farewell daddy. I love you

Way back into love

2007-10-19T15:39:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how love gets its way back into your life.

One minute you promise yourself that you're never gonna love as fast again, and the other second you find yourself smiling alone and thinking about that one extra-special person.

You breath real deep until the warmth of your breathe suddenly becomes the most comforting element at the moment, and you cling to your over used pillow imagining it was the hands of your lover.

You know you're scared, but you don't bother.

You know you're not exactly right, but you know you're not exactly wrong either.

Everything is a matter of stop or go, and with all the million choices in front of you,

you discreetly choose the one that involves him.

and how do you think you can still turn your back at that feeling?

you know. But you won't

Confessions

2007-09-26T13:11:00.001+08:00

I am not really good at math. As a matter of fact, I suck at it! But, I am very certain that it has exactly been 14 days, 336 hours, and 20160 minutes since my dad passed away - these moments have crossed infront of me, but today still feels like day 1.

The first few days were spent crying both with few special friends, and alone. I am not the type of a person who can easily share my problems with other people. Moreover, as much as possible, I do not allow myself to be seen in public crying, or even just sad; for these are very intimate and private moments of me and I prefer not giving everybody the consent to see them.

No matter how much I want to just stay idle, stare at blank spaces, and curl myself in one corner of my bed, I still struggle to at least regain the smile and the infectious laugh that my closest friends have always known me about.

Tita Carol Teves, mom of a girlfriend, said that when somebody you extremely love passes away, it is when you would feel and understand the real meaning of being heartbroken. And when somene says he/she is heartbroken coz of a break-up is NOTHING, compared to when your heart really gets broken.

Tita Carol's dad passed away ten years ago, and still, the pain and the lonliness is still fresh. To Tita Carol, that 10 years still seems like day 1 to her.

It has been harder for me talking about daddy these days compared to the first few days. Right now, I prefer talking straight to daddy in any way possible, which can pretty much get desperate sometimes.

The man that I am truly inlove with just passed away, and I am left with no choice but to stay in school and finish the remaining two months of the semester. Everyday, I have to fight the thoughts in my mind, and when i felt that I wasn't equipt enough with the optimism capabilities, I resorted to every means I think would be helpful, not even caring whether it is possible or not.

Somehow, it seems like I have very much practiced myself for an automatic mental block. When I start to think about daddy, I just shake my head or close my eyes and count 1 to 3 and before I knew it, I am already thinking about something else. Honestly, I do not know what exactly should I call this: Mental block? Compartmentalizing? Selective Amnesia? I really don't care for now.

Right now, my heart aches so bad that I feel a cardiac arrest would be coming any moment soon. And thinking about cardiac arrests, I question myself right away: "If I die today, would it be daddy that I would see first?" I wish.

I know its unhealthy and wrong, but all my emotions feel so supressed. I chose not to cry until I'm with mommy and kuya niño, not until october 13. I am very much overwhelmed with the love and support that my friends here in Dumaguete are giving me, but I just feel the safest to breakdown in our house, in my own little room, with my family.

Just yesterday, I went to National Bookstore and bought all these materials needed to make a scrapbook. I am not just so sure if this is a smart idea or not, but my scrapbook will be the only tangible way for me to communicate with my father.

People may see me smiling, laughing, wearing colorful shirts; and they might misjudge that as a lack of grief, but what people thinks is seriously not in my list right now. I know that no matter how much happy I may seem to be, my real friends, my family, and most especially my daddy knows that I am heartbroken.

i love you daddy

2007-09-17T11:01:00.000+08:00

I was around seven years old then when I interrupted my dad in a meeting just to ask him for ten pesos. He told me to ask mom instead, but still, I insisted and I guessed dad finally ran out of patience that he shouted at me and reprimanded me to go inside the house. I ended up crying my heart out and feeling bad for not getting what I wanted.

I am now twenty-one years old, and I cannot remember any other instance where daddy raised a voice at me, I cannot remember any other instance where daddy didn’t give me the things he knew he could give, and most of all, I cannot remember any other instance where dad got extremely mad at me.

To me, daddy was everything. He was my provider, my hero, my savior, my friend, and most especially, daddy was my ideal man. I always believed that daddy was the strongest, and it wasn’t until he confessed he had cancer that I realized that daddy too was mortal.

For more than a year, daddy fought the cancer. He called me one night to tell me that the pain was just becoming too much to bear already, and that it’s about time for him to go to the hospital. It was the first time I heard my daddy’s voice sounded so weak, it was the first time I ever heard my dad complain about something, and the most frightening was, it was the first time that daddy didn’t assure me that everything was going to be fine.

I made him promise to be strong, and he said that he’d try and that everything has its end. I didn’t take “I’ll try” for an answer, until finally, I convinced him to say “yes anak.”

Daddy never lied to me. He said “I’ll try,” because he was just being honest. Daddy loves me so much, that he unwillingly lied to me by saying “Yes,” and thinking about it right now, I regret for making him do that.

Daddy was strong, but I knew how much he hated hospitals. I knew how much shivers it gave him every time a needle pinches his body. But, despite all the pains that he went through, it was still me, my mother, and my three other siblings whom he constantly thought about.

The last time I called him, dad was sleeping and all I could hear was snoring, and I believe it was his way of telling me that it was time for him to rest.

Not being with my dad for almost nine years was a struggle, but it was something that I have constantly prepared and planned for. However, not seeing him forever was never a part of it.

To all those people whom daddy treated as family there in the states, thank you. No amount of gratitude will suffice how overwhelmingly thankful our family is to all of you. I know daddy will be my angel, will be our angel.

Daddy, I love you. We love you. I may not understand it now, but I am hanging on to my Faith that tells me that all these have its reasons. I admire you for building a very strong family. A family filled with unconditional love. I am sorry dad for everything, you know how much in love I am with you.

You may be gone physically, but everything you taught me will stay. With this extreme feeling of loss is a promise that I will someday make you proud. I know you are in good hands now. Rest well my daddy, and forever you will be my hero.

To daddy, here's my song for you:

Every little thing

by: Dishwalla

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

kaginhawaan

2007-08-15T19:05:00.000+08:00

I am tired, can't you see? I am not complaining. I love what I am doing. It is just that, sometimes, you people forget that like you, I too am human. There is just too many responsibilities, too many expectations. All I'm asking is JUST one day. One day to wake up late, one day to have my nails done, and one day to read Tales of two cities by Charles Dickens; given to me by a good friend of mine, Aiken. I know, my enumeration of things that I want to do may sound shallow to you, but it is a desperate call for spending some time with me, myself and I.

nostalgic

2007-08-13T20:19:00.000+08:00

I regained the courage to move on, until I heard that stupid love song.

I want to remind you how much I was giving you EVERYTHING. I want to push you real hard, hoping that maybe you'd hit the wall and feel how much pain you caused me. But, on the other hand, I think I don't need to see nor talk to you anymore.

For some time now, I thought I was okay. I was having the time of my life being single, spending so much time with my friends without feeling accountable to anyone, but to myself. Until, it hit me: The pain is still there, together with all the morbid memories.

Everytime I see my friends being heart broken over somebody, it always reminds me of what had happened. I can't wait to get rid of these all. I can't continue living with memories of you haunting me. They say that TIME heals, and I believed that. But, I think they were too excited forming that cliche that they forgot to specify how long?

its all a game

2007-08-05T21:26:00.000+08:00

I am starting to believe that romantic relationships have a new meaning. In a relationship that can be bonded by men-women, men-men, and women-women, it all seems to have one vicious cycle - the cycle called game. Not long ago, I hated the game where one just have to get hurt. But, just recently, I realized that there is no point hating the game for what can I do? That's the game and the game has its rules. However, the rules did not write on who the constant players are. So, right now, I'm not hating the game, but I am hating the players. Whoever said that the players can never change? Of all the "games" that I've been to, I have always given my opponent the consent to defeat me, but not anymore. Now, I am starting to understand the game more and this time, I am going to play it right.

our baby, our angel

2007-08-05T20:55:00.000+08:00

For 21 years...

I have been the family's princess

I have been everybody's favourite

my grandmother's love

my brother's responsibility

my mom's companion

my dad's pride

For 21 years...

I never had someone to look after

I never had to worry of getting the bad share

I never felt like I should worry

but, after 21 years of convinience full of love and care from the people who loves me unconditionally, I am ready to share that with somebody. Somebody who isn't even out in the world yet, but I'm already treating as my queen.

To Jairah Carlisle Torres, my first nephew, I'm inlove with you already. I always made myself believe that I was the only baby and princess in the family, but as you are now in our lives, I will always be more than willing to share the throne with you, or even give the throne all to yourself. I'll see you soon our dearest angel!

My Heart Speaks

2007-07-27T00:44:00.000+08:00

If, for example, things wouldn't turn out the way I would want it to be, would it hurt you the same way that it would hurt me?

If, for example, you would never hear from me as often as you used to, would you ever try to reach me out or would you just simply let it be?

I admit, I long for the moment where you would look at places and remember the times we spent there together

I hope, that you would look back and realize that you just let go of somebody who was willing to love you and be with you

I know my worth, but still, I keep on trying to prove to you that I am what you want.

They say loving is never stopping in believing, but what if finally I decided to give up? Would you stand up, be the man, and finally do the fighting for me?

I don't know how long will this take me, I don't know how long will this take us, but I am living for the moment.

Maybe you'll know that its me that you've always

wanted by the time I leave.

It might be sooner or later. But, hopefully, by the time that you have already made up your mind, time hasn't given up on us yet.

I hope the time will never come when all I can say is "its too late."

Reflection

2007-07-27T00:34:00.000+08:00

The midnight has swallowed her innocent face

her smile so rare turned gray

and her lips so pink turned pale

what did life do to her? You may ask

the beauty of her soul you know

the enchanting embrace of her grace you see

How much you want to run to her

give her all the love you think she needs

show her the compassion she seeks

inch by inch you're closer

step by step you feel her breath

touch by touch you know she's there

And finally, when everything is just so near

the mirror glass broke and there you see

images of you as her broken into glassy pieces

Bugtong hininga

2007-07-26T23:49:00.000+08:00

Isang gabing mapangulila

mga matang patuloy na lumuluha

pusong naghahanap ng pang-uunawa

sumisigaw ng pagsumong mahirap ikaila

Naisin mang pumikit at lumimot

Sugat ng puso ay sadya paring kumikirot

Nanaising maglakbay ng walang hanggan

masagot lamang ang katanungang tilang walang kasagutan

Sa gabing mapangulila

mga matay patuloy paring lumuluha

ngunit sa kabila ng kaguluhan bumabatid sa isipan

hawak parin ang dasal ng walang hanggang kasiyahan

The perpetual blogger

2007-07-26T23:22:00.000+08:00

I am a perpetual blogger. I write to curse, and I write to simply just express some things that are just better expressed in writing. My blogs are mostly about the matters of the heart and that is not because I am just the type of a person who over analyzes a lot. Rather, writing when somethings is bothering me inside makes the words more sincere and makes the scribbling easier and more spontaneous. So, upon reading my blogs, you will not only realize how bored I can sometimes be, but it is just like giving you a consent to know and comment about what I am feeling on certain matters in my life.

And why :What's behind the yellow smiley face?" It's because no one really knows what;s behind it and like me, you can never decipher my thoughts and my real being unless you know what this writer without a pen writes in the air with her thoughts and day dreaming.