issues

I have abandonment issues.

When in a relationship, I used to believe that I should really show how much I truly care and love a person. I used to believe that every thing should be in order, and that there should be "security" as for the both of us to know where we stand in each others lives. Until, broken promises were made and it also broke every thing of me. When my relationships end, I always end up being so hurt that sometimes I wished that easing the pain was as easy as vomiting. I jumped from one relationship to another, hoping that by not wasting time, I might be able to find that one perfect love - I became so much impatient on love.

I was a love bug. I used to dream about happily-ever-afters, and believed on love letters and theme songs. Until, I grew tired of it. However, I'm not saying that I gave up on love coz I did not and I don't think I'd ever will.

I decided to give myself a break from my love searching and just allowed love to find me instead. And after a year of being single, I am inlove again but not in a relationship. We do the things people in a relationship do, but we never talked anything about being in a relationship together. It really is complicated. So complicated that it sometimes crossed my mind to just distant myself away from him and spare myself from pain. But, as I think about it and imagine us being together, I know I myself is not yet ready.

It's just weird how something this complicated can make me feel this happy and content. Some people may define this as "settling for less," but I see what we have as "taking time." I mean, I have no where else to go, I am already deeply inlove. If pain is the issue, with or without commitment, I'd still going to feel pain. I mean, I learned to accept that love and pain is a combo and that is why there is a cliche that says: "Love is a risk."

I'm starting to feel that having no commitment reminds me from not expecting anything, thus sparing myself from disappointments. And because there are no expectations, even the littlest things from him becomes beautiful surprises.

Last night, I was in a taxi on my way home when I realized that the difference between what I have with him and what i had with my other relationships is that with him, I am not blinded with the fact that I can get hurt. I know this will soon hurt and its gonna cost me more blogging, more winston lights and more blue margarita pitchers. But, im hoping that it's not gonna be as breaking (though I'm sure when this comes I'd still wanna vomit). Besides, what promises are there to break when there weren't any promises made to start with?

I have come to accept that you can't always expect for people you love to be there forever. So now, I have outgrown my abandonment issues. I have now what they call comittment issues.


And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

You Are My Beautiful Surprise

You are my susceptibility, my strength, my morning coffee and my midnight cigarette
The feeling is a mixture of excitement, danger and nervousness with surprising bliss moments on top
Every word that comes out from your mouth I long to listen to
and every stolen glance and smile you give me gives butterflies in my stomach

It was not the perfect night I used to imagine while reading one of my favorite romantic novels. There were no birds humming, no roses to make me swoon over you even more, and no lying on the sand while gazing at the stage of stars above. But, it was still one of the most beautiful nights of my entire life. You made it seemed like nothing else mattered that time except you and I.

I thought princesses are only those who wear crowns above their heads with stunning dresses to compliment their blue eyes, until you made me feel that I was a princess on a Thursday night.

I think I have just cornered myself in deep vexation. So deep that I don't even mind being buried alive.

Salamat

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

Secrets of an Occasional Lover

WOULD I RATHER BE THE GIRL HE SHARES HIS SECRETS WITH? OR THE GIRL HIS SECRETS ARE ABOUT?


I usually doubt his honesty, but I'm not sure either if knowing the whole truth would make things better. He tells me things that he thinks I should know about and shuts me off when he thinks I'm crossing the line. It took two fucking cold treatments from him before I finally realized that I am not his brat. Two fucking cold treatments from him before it fully got into me that showing too much emotions I have for him would just push him away instead of keeping us together. I finally learned to let him know that I love him, but still gives him this occasional chance to ponder if I really do. Perhaps I call that my personal art of war on Love - the chasing and the reading of the mind. It's true that the feeling of security is important, but once you treat it as if it's a freebie, you just killed the mystery that keeps the fire burning.

And besides, what does an occasional lover got to complain?



I'm still sticking to being that girl his secrets are about.

He Said... She Said...

He worries when you're out all night and follows-up if you have gone home safely. He texts you every now and then just to remind you to take your meal and you do the same thing. He does you favors you know he wouldn't just do to any one else. He questions those times when you don't reply to his texts right away. And most of all, both of you have sex every so often.

He tells you you are special and that both of you should just enjoy each other, while you just smile and agree when deep inside you know you want more than that, you know you want assurance. So yeah, he is not your boyfriend and you are not his girlfriend. Exclusively dating? not even.

Your friends ask you what the real score is, and when you have just started saying special frie... your friends just finished the word "bullshit" in chorus. Of course you won't care anyway coz you know you really are "special friends" (bullshit). Him bringing you McDonalds, chocolates and planning what gift to give you on Christmas are just few of th things that can support it.

For awhile, you are this strong woman who like him is just enjoying each other. Until, the inevitable happens, you became emotional and it complicated things - er, according to him at least. You broke down and confessed your love to him, he threw the ball back at you by saying that it was your fault. Desperate of wanting to see him after the "fight," you flood him with texts, while he simply just ignores. And when you already become "too" irritating, he finally texts you telling you that you are unreasonable and that you are not his girlfriend.

It hits you big time. Yeah, you know that from the very start, but it's different when you really hear it from another person, especially when it comes from the last person you want to hear it from. So, trying to protect the littlest sense of pride left for your being, you struggle to distance yourself from him. There are moments when you just had to text him once or twice a day, until you finally found a way not to totally text him at all. And when you finally become numb of not having him, not texting or calling him for a week, you recieve a message from him saying he misses you. After some desperate attempts to ignore him, you reply the expected - I missed you too.

Secretly you are happy that he finally texted and as not to spoil the moment, you agree that it was just your fault. And then you go back to being "special friends."

Mama2x paano ako ginawa?

Anak: mama, ano po ba ang sex?

Mama: Naku anak! saan mo ba narinig yan? Inday! Inday! Ano ba itong ipinapanood ninyo sa TV, huh?! diba sabi ko sayo cartoon network lang! Inday! Nakikinig ka ba?!

Anak: eh, ano nga po ang sex mama?

Mama: Haay naku anak! late na ako sa trabaho at huwag mo nang iisipin yan ha? masama yan! (sabay alis papuntang opisina...)


Anak: YAYA, ano nga po ba ang sex?

Inday: ay hijo, ang sex kung sa bisaya ay................ blah... blah...


(gud luck!)

Naranasan mo na bang?

Naranasan mo na bang.....


mainip sa kakahintay ng iyong autoload o e-load?

magising ng alas otso para sa klase mong alas siyete?

maubusan ng pera isang araw bago ang inyong beach outing?

magdala ng gatorade at matanong ng "painom?"

mangapa sa dilim at biglang maisip na, "pucha! may ilaw nga pala kami!"?

malabasan ng tubig sa ilong nang dahil sa kakatawa?

maipit ng panty mo ang palda mo sa likod?

umorder ng kadami-dami at magsisi sa huli?

bumili ng peke at magsisi?

umorder ng large fries, double burger at DIET coke?

tumawa ng malakas sa library?

mahilo sa MRT?

makalimutang ang iyong pitaka kasama nang inyong deyt?

bumasa ng librong makapal at walang maintindihan?

bumasa ng librong 20 pages at wala paring maintindihan?

matahimik sa harap ng isang dayuhan?

magsisi at bakit hindi mo sineryoso ang iyong Spanish class?

magdala ng kodigo sa mahaba niyong exam?

magsinungaling at mahuli?

at higit sa lahat......

naranasan mo na bang magtanong kahit na alam mo na ang sagot?