what date is it today?

It's always day one. No calendar for me, I guess.

Superwoman

2 red apples, a syrup of vanilla, a litter of water, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, a scatter of paper ashes and a minute chanting..

Why can't an invisibility potion be made that easy? Or maybe a sudden hit by something hard on the head could trigger such power or a an accidental rubbing of a magical lamp, who knows.

I wonder how it feels to be invisible even just for a day. You know, being able to hear people's secrets and being able to watch over someone without getting caught. Or if not an invisibility potion, I think having the power to control time would be great too.

I believe that there is someone up there who is great and immortal, but sometimes when my brain has all the time to wander, a lot of thoughts get entertained by my head. What if there is something beyond that is way greater, that there is something about human being and life that is still yet to be discovered. What if everything is just a force of nature.

On times that I do not have control of everything, i just can't help but to ponder if there is one thing that should be done or a button to be pressed just to make things a lot easier.

Wish List

SANTA CAN'T KNOW THIS BLOG EXIST OR ELSE I'LL HAVE AN EVEN LESSER CHANCE OF GETTING MY CHIRSTMAS WISH LIST:

1. 15-inch MacBook Pro
2. ipod shuffle
3. nokia express music
4. red Alfa Romeo
5. perfect black dress
6. all expense paid trip to Dumaguete
7. cheesecake
8. a pet turtle
9. an island in Maldives
10. an hour call from Carra (yes, 1 hour jud. haha)
11. a dvd copy of one true love (haha,shoot me)
12. a romantic and sincere relationship (kani shoot me na jud! haha)
13. a dream with daddy in it
14. be with kuya Ron, John and Jairah
15. an unlimited credit card charged to anyone else but me and my family
16. an Art of war book
17. a complete Sidney Sheldon collection
18. a book on event organizing
19. to be in Oprah's "favorite 10 things" episode
20. the perfect diary

and.... WORLD PEACE =p

hehe... wish list ra gud. tanawon n2 unsay matuman diha. hehe =)

Good Night World!

It's funny how sleep can be an alternative form of escape, well at least for awhile or at least when you don't dream about the main reason why you just don't wanna stay awake. I don't know the exact scientific or superstitious explanation, but it's surprising and quite close to irritating when you dream about that one thing that you are scared of or that specific moment that you are running away from. The fears and uncertainties continue to haunt you as if you have done wrong to their gods or goddesses. However, the most ironic part is, even if when you've dreamed about it, still you are half happy that you did. Maybe this is what they call as masochism, wanting more what hurts the most. And just to give yourself a little favor and a little more reason to inhale and exhale, you try to convince yourself that it's you who is unreasonable and that you are just over analyzing a problem that is just self-inflicted after all, besides you are the ultimate warrior when it comes to battling your heart against you mind. There are no perfect words to explain what you are feeling, except that it feels like you are having a major cardiac arrest when in fact, your doctor just examined that your heart is in perfect condition - You know you should've asked for a second, third or forth opinion, who cares? Eventually, you get tired of fighting the inevitable and just willingly submit yourself to sleep hoping that tonights dream would at least be on your side.

Divine Intervention

Each and every one will surely experience the greatest enlightenment of their lives, and I had just mine on a cold, gloomy Saturday afternoon.


Tanya: Bei, I just broke up with guy A and guy B hasn't texted since he dropped me off at work. I've been crying like a baby. When something happy happens it really is happy... happy. but when something is sad, it really is super sad.. sad naman.

Bea: Tan, can you give me like 3 mins. to compose myself? I just woke up. I don't wanna suggest suicide when all I really wanted to say was just self hurt.

Tanya: Bitch! okay. I'm counting =)

.......

Tanya: Bei, if you being a friend is innate, I wouldn't have to wait for 3 mins.

Bea: haha! uhm, Tan, bka this is something you should've done before pa. And besides, you're happy with guy B. You deserve someone like guy B. And what's the diff? How many times have we risked with a complicated guy? What is it to risk something for that "perfect" guy for a change?

Tanya: What if guy B isn't that really serious after all?

Bea: Oh well, Hello Blue Margarita for us then!!! Just be happy what is happening now and whatever happens tomorrow, is something we will think about tomorrow.

Tanya: Haha! Mai Thai nalang at Jickongs! Thanks Bei. Finally, a solid advice from a friend. It's kinda stressing having to ask from stupid girl and from our tomboy friend. haha

Bea: And what made you think that asking about love and sex to a virgin religious girl and to a we're-not-sure-if-virgin tomboy friend is such a good idea?! LOL. Oh, we love them both!

Tanya: Uhm Woman! Because you woke up so fucking late! Where have you been last night ba?!

(After 30 minutes)

Bea: Tan, Do you know the feeling of an occasional lover? so occasional happiness din?

Tanya: Bea! You are talking to a woman who has been with 20 fucking a*holes!

Bea: Worth it kaya...

Tanya: Why won't he commit ba?

Bea: I dunno. Do I wanna commit? urgh. Take things slow daw, & I stopped asking narin coz I don't wanna be a pushover.

Tanya: How long have you been dating **** ba?

Bea: Almost 3 mos...

Tanya: 3 months palang naman! Thats ok... Just keep playing UNLESS a better game comes along :p i swear we have invisible balls!

Bea: hahaha!!! Thanks Tan! I'm keeping this text in my inbox.

Tanya: haha! Mai Thai?

Bea: No. Blue Margarita =D 8pm.

Tanya: ok. same place. later!

falter moments

Occasional lover, lover friend, occasional happiness. Is it all worth it? How does one know if one thing is worth risking and if it is already worth stopping?

He is like my addiction, my kryptonite. He makes me both happy and sad, but being without him is just like doing my every day routine just for the heck of it. There are times when I just wanna let go, but at the end of the day, finds myself too weak to do it. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that life and love is really like this, that it is a cycle of happiness and sadness. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that not every one is lucky enough to find that one right person to love, and sometimes I'm beginning to think that I am one of those people.

Should I just settle to this kind of happiness? is really living one day at a time the right thing to do? I am scared, very scared. If only I know what's in his heart, what's in his mind. But then again, if i do, what if it's something I really shouldn't just know about?

This heart of mine needs some seminar, or a Love 101 class if there's such a thing. I wish I was just this cold-hearted person, who can switch all emotions any time I want to. I know he is just there and I also know that he can leave any time he wants to and I can't do anything about it. Are men really more of a good actors than women?

issues

I have abandonment issues.

When in a relationship, I used to believe that I should really show how much I truly care and love a person. I used to believe that every thing should be in order, and that there should be "security" as for the both of us to know where we stand in each others lives. Until, broken promises were made and it also broke every thing of me. When my relationships end, I always end up being so hurt that sometimes I wished that easing the pain was as easy as vomiting. I jumped from one relationship to another, hoping that by not wasting time, I might be able to find that one perfect love - I became so much impatient on love.

I was a love bug. I used to dream about happily-ever-afters, and believed on love letters and theme songs. Until, I grew tired of it. However, I'm not saying that I gave up on love coz I did not and I don't think I'd ever will.

I decided to give myself a break from my love searching and just allowed love to find me instead. And after a year of being single, I am inlove again but not in a relationship. We do the things people in a relationship do, but we never talked anything about being in a relationship together. It really is complicated. So complicated that it sometimes crossed my mind to just distant myself away from him and spare myself from pain. But, as I think about it and imagine us being together, I know I myself is not yet ready.

It's just weird how something this complicated can make me feel this happy and content. Some people may define this as "settling for less," but I see what we have as "taking time." I mean, I have no where else to go, I am already deeply inlove. If pain is the issue, with or without commitment, I'd still going to feel pain. I mean, I learned to accept that love and pain is a combo and that is why there is a cliche that says: "Love is a risk."

I'm starting to feel that having no commitment reminds me from not expecting anything, thus sparing myself from disappointments. And because there are no expectations, even the littlest things from him becomes beautiful surprises.

Last night, I was in a taxi on my way home when I realized that the difference between what I have with him and what i had with my other relationships is that with him, I am not blinded with the fact that I can get hurt. I know this will soon hurt and its gonna cost me more blogging, more winston lights and more blue margarita pitchers. But, im hoping that it's not gonna be as breaking (though I'm sure when this comes I'd still wanna vomit). Besides, what promises are there to break when there weren't any promises made to start with?

I have come to accept that you can't always expect for people you love to be there forever. So now, I have outgrown my abandonment issues. I have now what they call comittment issues.


And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.