Tuesday, October 13, 2009

For the strongest hearts

When hurt, the first thing that the heart wants is to escape. And I've noticed that a lot of the most successful travelers are the most hurt ones. I believe that the broken heart stays in one place only because they have to, only because they have no choice. However, once given all the control that they've been wanting so badly especially when alone, the broken heart will for sure choose to fly and just be free. Or better yet, just simply be 'unbroken.'

Cowardice, they say? "they" do not have a single idea on what they are talking about. How can a heart that has been broken a lot of times be a coward? the fact that the heart has been broken a lot of times should mean that that heart has given a lot of chances on giving, isn't it? Who is the real coward? The heart who has been hurt a lot and just wants to escape for once? or the heart who has been hurt once and has ever since chose to be alone?

The heart who choose to travel and is successful in doing so and the heart who wants to travel and just can't do it yet know that pain definitely is stronger when it's near. It's even more painful when you know it's there and even how much you want to fight and struggle, there is just nothing else you can do it to reverse it. It's painful when you've finally reached your destination, but it's too late. Fate or death has already taken its toll.

The heart who struggles to escape are the strongest for they are the most quiet ones when hurt. The strongest heart listens to other hearts vent. The strongest heart acts the strongest for the sake of the other hearts that matters to them. Every heart knows the strongest heart is the strongest. However, when it's the strongest heart's time to reach its hand, every heart thinks its okay to hold on reaching out. Besides, isn't that heart the strongest?

well, hello there!

Okay.. I checked my last entry and I can't believe I haven't entered a single blog here for almost 7 months - well, entered a few in Friendster, but still! No wonder a lot has happened in my life, it has been once again almost 7 effin' months! Wow!!!

First of all, I have already been in California for almost 6 months now and still, I am in my adjustment process. I don't know how long I'll be staying here or when I can get to visit the Philippines, at least - though I'm hoping it would be sometime soon. sigh.

6 months in California and my life has changed full 360 degrees! First of all, I've met my fiance Erik and to cut the long story short, we're getting married in Las Vegas next week, and to cut the story even shorter, I am almost 4 months pregnant! Shocked,huh? LOL. I'm not getting married coz I got pregnant, by the way. The idea of getting married came before we found out I'm pregnant.

Then, a lot of broken relationships. I am not in good terms with my brother and his wife and details I don't wanna discuss anymore. And, honestly, I think this is for the best. I have so much sentiments that I don't wanna discuss with them anymore, coz I know for sure that stuborn people are never open for this kinds as they are so stubborn we'll just be in a neverending battle on who is right and who is not. Then, my bestfriend Carra. I feel like she abandoned me, period. I don't know what she feels, but this time, I wanna focus more on what I feel. At least for once, you know?

I'm going through a lot of phases right now. I'm anxious, frustrated and scared. It seems like lately, it is so hard for me to remind myself of the faith that I started with. Or, maybe this is just a challenge for my faith to begin with? sigh. Plus, I feel like I'm mourning for the first time. If daddy was here, he'd know what to do for sure.

Monday, March 30, 2009

My Angel as I Sleep, Keeping me Warm and Safe

Gently kiss me good night

And once more hold me so tight

Whisper to me everything will be fine

For the night is yours and mine

Always and Forever, You will be my knight and shining armor as I am your devoted princess hiding in a cover of a daddy’s girl. I miss you,dad.


Affront her with anything about life and she will face it all with audacity. Always she has succeeded, but never with this one. No matter how much space she builds in between, still, the memory just keeps on haunting. She is even about to forget the face already, but the feeling? still so lucid, still so keen. It has beginning to occur like an episode; the constant flashing of every segment, which she strongly hopes with eyes closed that she will never see again. But, life perhaps has its own playing - the reruns of this never ending pandemonium. They think she is ok. She is but she isn’t better and that is all what she ever longed for. She’s tired of smiling just ‘coz she has to, tired of perceiving things merely out of convenience, and she’s tired of delaying this already overdue healing. And, so, for the nth time… she’s standing up and this time, its gonna be stronger. This time, it’s gonna be way farther from the culprit.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

What's the national flower of the Philippines?

Together we make a very good pair, and today, you made me very excited and happy.

Picked me up at my friend’s house, and since I’ve been craving for isaw since yesterday, we went to the kalye barbecue along Roxas and all you did was stare at me while I enjoyed my isaw - this is another thing I like about you, you are always up for anything as long as it makes me happy. Whether it’s as posh as Eagles Bar or as simple as that isawan in the corner, you don’t care because for you, nothing is too much nor too less for my happiness and I thank you. I thank you not because of the tangible things you offer or can offer, but because of the simple thoughtfulness that came before and after that material thing.

I know you were very tired and your head was aching terribly, but still, you accompanied me as I supported my friend’s surprise for her boyfriend. My friend wanted to welcome her boyfriend’s birthday at exactly 12 a.m. and it was really funny ‘coz you sped while my friends were waiting for us at the kanto where we didn’t even really know where it was in the first place! You we’re so tired, but you never complained. Instead, you gamed and together with my friends, you laughed and enjoyed every moment of it. Thank you not because you drove me there, but because you made me feel that you value the people who are special to me, and even without me telling you, I hope you see that I smile every time you exchange laughters with my friends.

Before you dropped me home, you thanked me. And now that I’m about to sleep, I wonder what was there to thank me about. And as I ponder, I can’t help but thank you again. Not because you utter words I want to hear, but because you consider even my simple actions as something worth thanking for. So, again, thank you.

Why the title? Well, it’s for me and you to know… Only me and you… hehe


of teleseryes and afternoon shows

“Nakikiusap ka hanggang sa may laban pa. Pero pag wala na talagang ilalaban, eh di cge okay. At least lumaban ka,” was a line that struck me while watching The Buzz on ABS-CBN yesterday.

Truly, you fight for that one person you are madly in love with. You fight for him ‘coz you believe there is still something worth fighting for, you fight for him ‘coz you believe he is worth the battle, and you fight for him even if it hurts and continue fighting for him even if your heart is begging “enough.”

However, in every battle, you still always have to save your self, for a warrior won’t become much of a warrior if she doesn’t know how to protect herself first. Quoting one of the lines in the teleserye Tayong Dalawa:“I’d rather have a breathing coward, than a dead hero.”

Time will come that you’ll feel you have already exhausted yourself TOO much and voluntarily, yourself will just retire from the never-ending limbo. And this doesn’t mean you already love him less or the way you feel for him has changed, it’s just that Finally, you have come to regain the courage and wisdom to tell yourself that it is time to regain your self worth back and that beautiful smile on your face that was once taken away by the hurt that he has caused. It’s gonna be a heavier battle at first (the living life the way you deserve and the sleeping and waking up without his thoughts), but once you open your eyes and see that there is a new love that is more than willing enough to make you happy, then life for you my dear will be much blissful, especially since you have once again proven to yourself that you are capable of loving that much and being loved this much.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

While I was counting sheep

I bully you all the time, but do you know I would face and fight the world just to defend you?

Sometimes, when I think of all the unconditional things that you have done for me, I wonder what on earth could I have possibly done right to deserve all of those. You willingly accompanied me in my place when I got paranoid with all the muggers running loose in Dumz, you were my handy man when I was helpless with my roof and annoyed with my broken sink, you were always the first one to rescue me in times of my asthma attacks, you supported me when I threw a dirty finger on that lame carenderia, you saved up money just so you could buy me that transparent soda in Daro, you transform into Superman every time there was ipis, you buy me my favorite brownie when I’m in a foul mood, you present your allowance when I’m broke, you always lower your pride even though It was really my fault to begin with, and most of all, you were the one who walked with me under the rain when I was at the most down moment of my life. You accept and love me for who I am, and even if I get really bratty and spoiled at times, you never left my side. You tell me honest things that no one could dare tell me, and most of all, you listen to my never ending problems no matter how huge or petty they may be.

Just awhile ago, I was out with some of my guy friends. We parked our car in an empty grocery store parking lot, played some house music, and brought out the beer and junk food we bought from the convenience store nearby. One of my guy friends whom I’ve known since high school offered me beer and oishi; I told him I was allergic to beer and spicy food, and instead of just offering me something else, he asked me to scientifically defend my excuse. Three to four hours after and it was time for us to go home. In the car on our way home, we were cracking up jokes and I uttered the inevitable “loser” - I had to give a 1 minute explanation that “loser” was meant to be a joke and of nothing personal.

We might not have known each other since elementary, but it amazes me that there’s no need to explain myself to you anymore. Simply because you always believe me, and you always understand. I know I am not the bestest person that i should be to you, but I hope deep inside you know how much I treasure and value you as a person. Every time someone hurts you, God knows how much I want to hurt them back - physically and psychologically, haha! And I admit, I wanna smack you myself every time you always let these people hurt you over and over again. But, at the end of the day, I realize that this is actually the magic in you: You ALWAYS consider other people’s thoughts and feelings before yours.

I am sorry for those times that I should have been there, but wasn’t. I am sorry for those times when I should have said the right words, but chose to say the opposite. I am sorry for those times when I picked a fight with you just because I was bored. And, I am sorry for those other moments when I had unknowingly hurt you but you already forgave me even before I figured it out.

Thank you for being there for me all the time. Thank you for offering me a brotherhood that is thicker than water, even thicker than blood. Thank you because of all the thousand people in Dumz, you chose me to be one of your best friends.

I might not have told you this before, but I am very proud of you. As a matter of fact, you are always in every story that I tell (libaks or praises.haha).

Distance has already caused some friendship to fade. However, I am secure that this wouldn’t be the same story for us. ZW, by the time we get 50, I’ll still be steaming hot and you’ll already be groggy and suffering from memory gap, but you and I will still be laughing over coffee and nachochinos.

I missed you. You are my male counterpart =)