Saturday, January 31, 2009


How are you? er wait! I'm not really sure if I wanna know...

Uhm, how can I explain this...

For some unexplainable weird reasons, I feel very happy. As a matter of fact, I smile for no reasons. You know how it is when one is really really inlove? that! I feel that! But, minus the really really inlove feeling and a particular guy. But the effect is exactly the same. Maybe this is because I am happier now with myself coz I've been spending so much time with and for myself. I've been focusing on my betterment, I am listening to music that does not remind me of you at all. And the only time that I would feel down is when I start missing you again (I label those moments as "episodes), and every time those episodes come, I just rush to a quiet corner where no one is around, close my eyes and pray to God and daddy to help me accept the things I can't change, change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. And I become okay. I owe a lot to my Faith and to my friends.

However, not missing you anymore at all is a struggle, especially if I start thinking that heart's day is approaching. I don't text you anymore, and you don't text me anymore either. I'm still praying that this would be a faster process. I know I'll be okay, but this is no easy thing to do. Pergaps scientist should just start inventing over-the-counter medicines that would instantly compartmentalized the things a person wants and does not want to remember. Or maybe that would be easier if Bill Gates cooperate too.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Dear God

Dear God,

Please give me the strength and the wisdom to stay away from him. I don't wanna hurt anymore, I don't wanna long for him anymore. He has hurt me badly and he does not deserve this much of care and love that I have for him. I don't know of any other way to get through this, but to only offer all of these to you. God, I wanna wake up happy coz I can't remember anymore the last time that I did. I feel so alone and lonely. Please God, just take this pain away from me. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I love you


Friday, January 23, 2009

Tanya does slap hard!

Go away... Go away and please just go away!

When will I ever have the strength to resist you? I think you are happy with her and yes it does gives me that painful feeling inside. I wanna say that I'm happy for you, but how can I claim that when I'm still hurting. Tanya is right. Ignoring and resisting you comes from the head, from my head damnit! You even tell me that you did not do me any wrong. Can you be more any heartless?! I remember praying to God that if someone "not for me" comes along, He shouldn't just give him to me. And maybe that's why I did not have you. I should remember every prayer that I say. You claim that you love her, but does she know you come to me every time you have a fight with her? Does she know that sometimes you come to me after you send her home? I don't know if that is still love, but for sure, that does not fit my definition. I should think beyond the pain. I should rationalize things better. If it became US, I'm sure you would do the same thing to me too and God just loves me so much to spare me from that. Now, I don't have the urge to keep in touch with you anymore. My next struggle is to completely ignore you when you come looking for me. I pray that you'd realize everything that you have done. I got so stuck with the good person you were before that I got blinded on how much you have suddenly become a monster.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

tama na

I can do this.. I can do this.. I can do this...

I am terribly missing you. I am struggling to take you away from my mind, from my heart, to take you away from my life. I know this is just a phase. I know sooner or later I will be okay. I don't wanna think about whatever we had before, because it is hurting me like hell. I wished I never met you again, I wished at the very beginning I just didn't entertain the thought of you as something beautiful. I want you to know how wrong you have done me and how stupid your actions were, but you do not have the right to know my feelings anymore. I want you out of my system and I want that fast! You know what we had was something wonderful, but you chose to throw them all away. When I told you that I should get mad at you, but just don't wanna be, you even asked me why. Are you really that cold-hearted? or you just really wanted me to spell that out for you?

I want to believe that I am okay. But the truth is, I'm not and the only time that I could finally say that I am is when I stop wishing that you would be miserable. God knows how much I want to wish you well, but I am no saint and much more I am no God.

They say I shouldn't rush the healing and I agree. I know this will take some time, but would it be too much to ask God to make it a little bit sooner?

Friday, January 16, 2009

I'm happier without you

You sent me a text last Monday telling me that you already have a girlfriend, and the moment I read your text, I struggled just to compose myself in the office trying hard not to faint. I took a half day at work because I knew very well that the pain would last me the whole day (Didn't I used to be your every day?). Immediately, I met up with my friends and we drank the whole night away.

I was so mad at you that the tears running down my cheeks were more of hate than just "ouch." How can you meet someone on a Saturday and be her boyfriend just hours after?? Major Asshole. To add insult to the injury, you even told me that nothing between us should change. Fuck?! You want us to be the same? lucky you mister feeling Adonis! Argh.

Right away, I wanted to know who the girl is. I admit, for a moment, the thought that you were with her was stabbing me so deeply. But, when I finally found out who the girl is, it helped me to become better (let me stop here before I say something mean).

For almost 4 months, I was trying to fight for us. Trying to work things out, trying to ease that fear you have in your heart. But would it make the love I had for you questionable if I say that it only took me 3 days to be okay? I'm not saying that I have totally moved on, but I am so much happier.

I wasn't expecting that being without you would give me peace of mind. Since the day I decided that you are not part of my life anymore, every thing just seems so light, so easy. For some unexplainable reasons, I grew tired of listening to songs that reminds me of you and finds myself humming new love songs and other feel-good music.

My friends told me that I should not see you yet, coz my heart isn't ready for that yet. I know my friends were right, but I wanted to figure out ASAP if I'm really already okay. Besides, I don't want to be in denial of the pain and convince myself wrongly that I'm okay. Mas ganahan kog one time big time ang sakit, kaysa na okay ko karon then mata ko kalit then boom! tang ina, sakit pa diay! So, last night, we were at the house together.

You noticed changes that I didn't even notice. Like, how cold I have become and how suddenly casual I was to you. Whatever my actions were are of nothing intentional. You know me, my gestures follow what my heart dictates.

I realized that I shouldn't hate you, because whether love or hate, these are still feelings and you don't deserve any of those from me. I have already exhausted so much for you, that I'm giving them back to myself.

This is a very exciting begining for me. I had my hair cut to make me feel better within and I am spending more time with my friends and meeting new people.

I may not hate you as much as I want to nor hate you as much as you deserve, but one thing is for certain, I CAN NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY AGAIN.

Monday, January 5, 2009

fuck you

You just played me. You know what, the least thing you could've done was to face me like a real man. Rather, you chose to drop me like a hot potato. I'm hurt not because you don't love me, but because you didn't care at all even just as a friend. I am deeply hurt and I am mad at you. well, more of hurt actually. I'm gonna heal soon and fuck you.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


This isn't the first time that there is something wrong between us, but this is the first time that I feel he is doing a conscious effort to let me go. As usual, I don't understand what really is going on inside his head, simply because he never tells me. I don't know if he really is letting me go or if he is just taking some time to think things over. I tried to reach out, but of course it has been all useless since without his cooperation. I've been praying to God and to my father to help me understand, even just on my own. I think this is for the better and I am so certain that all I need is time. Time to heal and time to fully realize that what we had isn't really as beautiful as I think it is.