Monday, March 30, 2009

My Angel as I Sleep, Keeping me Warm and Safe

Gently kiss me good night

And once more hold me so tight

Whisper to me everything will be fine

For the night is yours and mine

Always and Forever, You will be my knight and shining armor as I am your devoted princess hiding in a cover of a daddy’s girl. I miss you,dad.


Affront her with anything about life and she will face it all with audacity. Always she has succeeded, but never with this one. No matter how much space she builds in between, still, the memory just keeps on haunting. She is even about to forget the face already, but the feeling? still so lucid, still so keen. It has beginning to occur like an episode; the constant flashing of every segment, which she strongly hopes with eyes closed that she will never see again. But, life perhaps has its own playing - the reruns of this never ending pandemonium. They think she is ok. She is but she isn’t better and that is all what she ever longed for. She’s tired of smiling just ‘coz she has to, tired of perceiving things merely out of convenience, and she’s tired of delaying this already overdue healing. And, so, for the nth time… she’s standing up and this time, its gonna be stronger. This time, it’s gonna be way farther from the culprit.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

What's the national flower of the Philippines?

Together we make a very good pair, and today, you made me very excited and happy.

Picked me up at my friend’s house, and since I’ve been craving for isaw since yesterday, we went to the kalye barbecue along Roxas and all you did was stare at me while I enjoyed my isaw - this is another thing I like about you, you are always up for anything as long as it makes me happy. Whether it’s as posh as Eagles Bar or as simple as that isawan in the corner, you don’t care because for you, nothing is too much nor too less for my happiness and I thank you. I thank you not because of the tangible things you offer or can offer, but because of the simple thoughtfulness that came before and after that material thing.

I know you were very tired and your head was aching terribly, but still, you accompanied me as I supported my friend’s surprise for her boyfriend. My friend wanted to welcome her boyfriend’s birthday at exactly 12 a.m. and it was really funny ‘coz you sped while my friends were waiting for us at the kanto where we didn’t even really know where it was in the first place! You we’re so tired, but you never complained. Instead, you gamed and together with my friends, you laughed and enjoyed every moment of it. Thank you not because you drove me there, but because you made me feel that you value the people who are special to me, and even without me telling you, I hope you see that I smile every time you exchange laughters with my friends.

Before you dropped me home, you thanked me. And now that I’m about to sleep, I wonder what was there to thank me about. And as I ponder, I can’t help but thank you again. Not because you utter words I want to hear, but because you consider even my simple actions as something worth thanking for. So, again, thank you.

Why the title? Well, it’s for me and you to know… Only me and you… hehe


of teleseryes and afternoon shows

“Nakikiusap ka hanggang sa may laban pa. Pero pag wala na talagang ilalaban, eh di cge okay. At least lumaban ka,” was a line that struck me while watching The Buzz on ABS-CBN yesterday.

Truly, you fight for that one person you are madly in love with. You fight for him ‘coz you believe there is still something worth fighting for, you fight for him ‘coz you believe he is worth the battle, and you fight for him even if it hurts and continue fighting for him even if your heart is begging “enough.”

However, in every battle, you still always have to save your self, for a warrior won’t become much of a warrior if she doesn’t know how to protect herself first. Quoting one of the lines in the teleserye Tayong Dalawa:“I’d rather have a breathing coward, than a dead hero.”

Time will come that you’ll feel you have already exhausted yourself TOO much and voluntarily, yourself will just retire from the never-ending limbo. And this doesn’t mean you already love him less or the way you feel for him has changed, it’s just that Finally, you have come to regain the courage and wisdom to tell yourself that it is time to regain your self worth back and that beautiful smile on your face that was once taken away by the hurt that he has caused. It’s gonna be a heavier battle at first (the living life the way you deserve and the sleeping and waking up without his thoughts), but once you open your eyes and see that there is a new love that is more than willing enough to make you happy, then life for you my dear will be much blissful, especially since you have once again proven to yourself that you are capable of loving that much and being loved this much.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

While I was counting sheep

I bully you all the time, but do you know I would face and fight the world just to defend you?

Sometimes, when I think of all the unconditional things that you have done for me, I wonder what on earth could I have possibly done right to deserve all of those. You willingly accompanied me in my place when I got paranoid with all the muggers running loose in Dumz, you were my handy man when I was helpless with my roof and annoyed with my broken sink, you were always the first one to rescue me in times of my asthma attacks, you supported me when I threw a dirty finger on that lame carenderia, you saved up money just so you could buy me that transparent soda in Daro, you transform into Superman every time there was ipis, you buy me my favorite brownie when I’m in a foul mood, you present your allowance when I’m broke, you always lower your pride even though It was really my fault to begin with, and most of all, you were the one who walked with me under the rain when I was at the most down moment of my life. You accept and love me for who I am, and even if I get really bratty and spoiled at times, you never left my side. You tell me honest things that no one could dare tell me, and most of all, you listen to my never ending problems no matter how huge or petty they may be.

Just awhile ago, I was out with some of my guy friends. We parked our car in an empty grocery store parking lot, played some house music, and brought out the beer and junk food we bought from the convenience store nearby. One of my guy friends whom I’ve known since high school offered me beer and oishi; I told him I was allergic to beer and spicy food, and instead of just offering me something else, he asked me to scientifically defend my excuse. Three to four hours after and it was time for us to go home. In the car on our way home, we were cracking up jokes and I uttered the inevitable “loser” - I had to give a 1 minute explanation that “loser” was meant to be a joke and of nothing personal.

We might not have known each other since elementary, but it amazes me that there’s no need to explain myself to you anymore. Simply because you always believe me, and you always understand. I know I am not the bestest person that i should be to you, but I hope deep inside you know how much I treasure and value you as a person. Every time someone hurts you, God knows how much I want to hurt them back - physically and psychologically, haha! And I admit, I wanna smack you myself every time you always let these people hurt you over and over again. But, at the end of the day, I realize that this is actually the magic in you: You ALWAYS consider other people’s thoughts and feelings before yours.

I am sorry for those times that I should have been there, but wasn’t. I am sorry for those times when I should have said the right words, but chose to say the opposite. I am sorry for those times when I picked a fight with you just because I was bored. And, I am sorry for those other moments when I had unknowingly hurt you but you already forgave me even before I figured it out.

Thank you for being there for me all the time. Thank you for offering me a brotherhood that is thicker than water, even thicker than blood. Thank you because of all the thousand people in Dumz, you chose me to be one of your best friends.

I might not have told you this before, but I am very proud of you. As a matter of fact, you are always in every story that I tell (libaks or praises.haha).

Distance has already caused some friendship to fade. However, I am secure that this wouldn’t be the same story for us. ZW, by the time we get 50, I’ll still be steaming hot and you’ll already be groggy and suffering from memory gap, but you and I will still be laughing over coffee and nachochinos.

I missed you. You are my male counterpart =)

Saturday, March 21, 2009


Enough I say, Enough.
The field I'm in isn't giving me the justice that I deserve anymore.
How can allow him to make me feel this way about myself?
I always tell my friends that you only allow a person to hurt you if you give them the consent to do so, and here I am once again failing to do what I preach.
Enough of this never ending self hurt. From now on, I shall stop looking at your account,
and from now on, I shall stop comparing myself with her.
After this blog I'm sure it will still hurt, but it is me to blame why I am still not coping.
I need to stand up for myself. I can not center my life on you anymore.
It has hurt me badly, still hurting me deeply and I this I should not tolerate anymore.
I am so tired, my love. I have done my part. I don't expect you to do yours anymore.
Enough I say, Enough.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Bad news

Today, I received a very bad news.

I was told that a friend of ours was kidnapped 6 p.m. yesterday in front of MTS. He went back for his lost wallet at MTS and while walking, a van stopped before him fronting to be a public transportation. And, since there was a transportation strike here in Davao and it was so hard to get a ride anywhere, he decided to get in. While in the van, our friend was still sending texts with his girlfriend complaining how packed the van was and after awhile of not replying, he managed to send his cousin a text that says "VANKIDNAPHELP." 6 hours have passed and there is still no information regarding his whereabouts.

I can't stop thinking about our friend the whole night, worried of his safety and worried of every one else's. If it happened to him, meaning it could happen to me and to any of my loved ones too. It is scary how unsafe this world has become. These criminals certainly won't spare anyone from their inhumanness.

My friend's family is now dealing with the authority, while we are left with nothing else to do but pray and hope for the better. I pray that these criminals would just take all of his material things away, and just let him be SAFELY.

The reason of me blogging this is not just to merely inform people what happened, but to remind people to not easily trust strangers and to be very careful. Whether it's as primitive as a certain province or as metropolitan as Davao City, still every one should be extra sensitive about his surroundings. It happened as early as 6 p.m., so I can't say that it was a time factor. It just shows that regardless what time of the day it is, still, mean people will do mean things. The only thing left for us is to be aware that these things could happen and so it pays to be alert all the time.

Please pray with us for the safety of all involved.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


My friend sent me a text before boarding the plane to Bangkok, Thailand. Of course, I replied the usual “have a safe trip and Keep in touch!”, but what I really wanted to ask him was “How does it feel to be leaving Pinas for awhile?” However, I didn’t mind doing it anymore as to I might just spoil his vacation (I don’t want to remind him over and over again that he’ll be leaving his special someone behind for awhile). And somehow, it made me thinking about my leaving for the states. But boo-hoo!!! This blog ain’t about myself, so I won’t discuss some details, yet.. hehe =p

Anyhu… Aiken, I know you are leaving with a heavy heart ‘coz tooot is left here,but more to that, you should also be excited for Thailand. Gawd!!! Did you even know that Thailand is one of the places that I’ve always dreamed to visit?! whew! Lucky you dude! Thailand’s culture is just so overwhelming!!! =D okay, now I am officially envious. hehe..

One day, I’ll go to Lumpini park to just relax amid the palm trees, bring my journal and pen with me and just write the whole day away! I’m sure there would be so much things to write about while being surrounded by greens and hearing the sound of water with the Chinese Pavilion and Clock Tower insight. Next, I wanna watch the sunset at Wat Arun, enjoy the entertainment at Grand Palace and Wat Phra Kaew, stay overnight at The Oriental Bangkok, get a very good massage at Ananda Spa, dance a sexy and sultry salsa evening at Fogo Vivo, and to top it all, I wanna nose around DJ Station in behalf of all my loving gay friends - haha!

But, day dreaming aside… I’m gonna miss you ken. Oh no! I’m gonna take that back, coz it won’t just be me,but WE. OA noh? as if unsa ka kdugay sa Thailand? haha! Take care ken and this is sincere - not just part of the usual lines for someone who is in the plane right this very moment. And most of all dude, HAVE FUN, alright?!?! and oh yeah!!! don’t forget to update us with your blogs! love you =)


It was really sweet of you to tell us to remind tooot to wait for you, and surely we will. =)

Boredom Noted

Aguy!!! I am so bored. (sigh)... and to think I was out just last night. Nitz treated me for coffee at Karl's pero I went home agad coz Nitz wanted to get a massage, and I recommended Shiatsu fronting Shell Bajada, and buti naman he liked it. I have things to do here at home naman, like do my online stuff and clear my closet. I want to try all my clothes on and experiment, kaso lang I'm still kinda lazy to do it. whew, boredom noted!

ooh... Tama diay! I have good news. Yesterday and today I woke up with a light heart =) yep! He wasn't my first thought. Uhm, second thought lang pero improvement na uy! hehe. and it has been more than a week since I'm taking C-lium, which is super an accomplishment kay wala gyud siya lami! haha.. but good for the health man daw, so cge tiis. Health conscious na ko dapat while I'm still young. Not just to lose weight but syempre to protect myself from sakit - CHAAARRRMUUUSSS! hehe..

whew... mga friends where art thou? looking forward nalang ko for this saturday coz we're going to mumay's house daw for a pink party. hopefully madayon.. haha.. cge na ui, i'll blog in my fs blog. super boredom noted. =)

he said. she said.

he said. she said.

March 14, 1009

Kissing a Fool

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart

You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart

You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you'll ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

Trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding

When dad went home, I bought this journal. For me, this was the only tangible thing I could think of to still feel close to him. Every day, I would talk to him through this until I actually had a dream of dad complaining! (yeah, my dad can be humorous. hehe).

Just last night, while I was looking at some of my old stuffs, I came across my journal and just had the urge to open it again. I started reading my notes and it really felt good. Uhm, yeah it made me miss dad even more, but something better came about - my journal always reminds me how powerful prayers can be.

Speaking of prayers, I just wanted to share some of my top 3
answered prayers:

1. Teach me to be patient = He made me wait for more than a year, and I am still waiting, and will continue to make me wait until I finally learn to be patient.

2. If someone came along and he's not the one God wa
nts for me, then better not having him at all = I really never had him again.

3. If He wants me to stay in Pinas, then I'd be able to stay in my job longer. But, if it's His plan that I'd go to the states, then He'd give me a very good reas
on to quit = it has been more than 2 weeks since I quit my job.

I did not realize all of these overnight. It caused me countless of sleepless nights,never ending confused moments and a reunion with my journal before I finally absorbed all these. It was a miracle that somehow, while I was writing on my journal again, these thoughts just came my mind. It was like a light-bulb moment. At first I thought that my life was unplanned for the very first time. But, the truth was, my life actually is very much well p
lanned and that every thing is falling into place - not by me this time though, but by Him. It is clear that He and my dad wants me to go to the states: I have the most valid reason to quit my job (details I'm not discussing), and I didn't have him back; and He knows that these two are the reasons that would keep me holding on to Davao. He needed to take these two away from me, as so I could finally push through on what he thinks is best for me. And, He has always been like that to me. He knows how hard-headed I can be - I always go for what I want even though I don't really need it, and that is why since He knows I can't stay away from them, they are instead the ones who stays away from me.

My friends would sometimes ask me how come I don't seem affected by my leaving. Well, I am. The unknown is always scary, and being away from the peo
ple that matters to me always gives a heavy feeling. However, the trust I have for my decision-maker and for my guardian angel (daddy) makes it way easier for me to deal with this.

I don't wanna seem preachy. It's just that sometimes, I realized that I have become too blinded on what I just wanna see that I forgot to look at the bigger picture.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

hakunna Matata

Hey Friend, Father, Savior, Hey Shield =)

You know I love you, right? Yeah, I know you do. I mean, that was even a stupid question to begin with, 'coz even before me talking, you know it already. You even know everything first even before I even think about it! =D You're just so great. Your love for me is just so unconditional. I always tell you that I don't understand some of your plans, but you give me all the reasons to trust your decisions. Right now, I am in the middle of a crossroad and even though for the first time in my life I do not know if where I'm heading is the right path, OK lang kay nagsabot na ta diba? and knowing you, you always... as in ALWAYS keep your promises. Ako lang man saato naga break ug deal nato, hehe... I'm sorry. Thank you for all of these. I may not be seeing it right now, but I'm CERTAIN... I've got you at my back. I love you God.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

United Amerikan Tiki2x

It was raining so hard... Passed by Obrero street and when I figured it was a motorcycle accident ahead, my heart beating fast. dum.. dum.. dum.. dum.. whew, it's not him. Thank God!

Looked at the front mirror, my friends staring at me. "Ay sus... ambi nimo siya na? siya nalang unta!" one of my friends cussed.

I am one broken record, I know. And as much as you guys want to console me,you just don't wanna listen anymore kay gikapoy na mo ug kalagot saiya ug usahay... saako. Let's put it this way: You already find it so hard just listening about it, how much more feeling it?

true enough.. kapoy gyud biya. pero unsaon ta man.... nag tiki2x man ko sauna so taas2x pa ako tolerance sa pain. Damn Tiki2x!

I need a pill

Blog it.. Blog it.. BLOG IT...

Blogging it... Blogging it... BLOGGING IT...

Press enter, space, delete and then enter....

400 words..... not enough

maybe 500..... still not enough

Trying 2,000..... hands tired, brain drained......

Time to check the heart now.

Shit. Still the same....

naknang nimal putang tanga

Tell me.

Is it wrong to continue loving you? Am I punishing myself for being here for you still? And am I a fool for not totally letting go? The mind can think of letting go from the one you love, but the heart just can not. It's like an addictive drug that keeps running in my thoughts, in my veins. Sometimes, I admit, I look at her, look at myself, look at her again, and wonder what you see in her that you do not see in me anymore. Was I easier to love when we were still 18 than now that we're 23? Every day I keep myself busy, waking up late and spending as much time as I can with my friends. But this is not easy as it's you whom I think of to sleep and the first thought as I wake up. God knows I am not enjoying this, He knows I'm deeply hurting. Doesn't he have the power to just erase this all away? I've been praying that I'd be able to take you off my mind, off my heart but to no avail. Though I'm keeping the faith.. I'm keeping the faith. Because in this war that I'm fighting alone, it's the only strength left for me.

Last night you were here with me. You know we just couldn't fake it, you know you are happy when you are with me, but why so coward my love? Am I not worth the third try? or maybe I am just being selfish for even asking this. I swear, I did not mean to hurt you then. I was 18 and foolish. Can't you see I'm a grown up now? My Love, I am sorry.

For awhile it was smooth sailing. Not having you around, I mean. However, you just keep on coming back. I resisted until the urge to see you again became stronger than my eagerness to resist. When you thought I was already happy with him, you got scared and that I do not understand. You don't want me anymore and You don't want me with someone else either. Where do you want me to be? Stuck in the middle waiting for you? Pathetic 'coz until now, I still don't understand. Until now I still can't lay all the cards before you as I am scared that these might just push you farther. I know I'm crazy for just waiting. Waiting when you'll have a fight with her, waiting when she's busy and doesn't have time for you, and waiting when missing me is just already becomes too much for you to bear. When you told me how much you are missing me, I swear my knees weaken. I can not stop crying the whole day as it's harder knowing that you still want me than knowing that you don't. I am your convenience, your comfort zone, your solace.

I am missing you my Achilles heel. I'd do anything to have another moment with you.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

not again.

Until when are you hurting this brave heart? You're still the same. Each time I try to move farther from you, you always get closer. You win. You sure knows how to make this brave soul frail. All of these are just so painful that crying becomes insufficient already. What do you really want from me? Does hurting me brings you solitude? 'coz if it does, then you are indeed the most peaceful person on earth. Someday, I'll be okay. Someday, this heart of mine will find her way to forget you. Someday, someone I deserve would come my way. However, while that day hasn't come yet, I don't think I have enough choice but to just deal with your bull shit.

Monday, March 9, 2009

My Achilles Heel

My susceptibility

Warmth compatibility

My morning coffee, my midnight cigarette

Something about our stare I could not forget

Doubt nothing my Achilles heel

Risking with bliss moments on top

Hoping and praying this won’t stop

This brave heart scared of the unknown

Aren’t you tired of being alone?

Fear nothing my Achilles heel

If one day you’d find yourself scared

Find in your heart the care we’ve shared

Though this mean world could truly scar

I’d keep you safe even from afar

Love and be loved my Achilles heel

If this world becomes too much

Just recount the warmth of our touch

Close your eyes think of you and me

Together we can both set free

Believe in our solace my Achilles heel

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The return of the yellow smiley face

The only difference between me and this smiley is the braces =p

Being happy is a decision and I have decided.
It's about time I start breathing Davao more and just appreciating every little thing this place has to offer
yeah, there are so much painful memories here, but there are just more blissful memories that it's so hard to ignore
Funny 'coz more than nervous, I actually feel excited
excited because It's gonna be a new chapter for me
excited coz finally I'll be seeing my brothers after so many years, plus my niece and nephew pa! hehe
Sayang lang Dad isn' there anymore, but okay lang, nagsabot na mi. hehe

Monday, March 2, 2009

Just another manic monday

This would have been easier if I could hear your voice on the other line
My fear would certainly be eased for you'll tell me everything will be fine
I would find my way and won't be lost for you will tell me where to go and I wouldn't doubt
All of these would've been a dream come true if I know you'd be the one I'll first see
This would have been easier for between you and me
Love always overpowers all uncertainties.

Just one night I wish I'd dream of you
For one night I wish I'd be finally feel at home
Your physical warmth may have been absent for a long time
but it doesn't matter because you left me a warmth that lingers a lifetime

I believe you are looking down at me
Trying to pat my shoulder, trying to wipe these tears
I believe you know what I'm feeling even without me explaining
because between you and me
Love always overpowers all pains.

Daddy, I am scared and I know this is the last thing you want me to feel
I am now in a crossroad wherein whichever road I may take, still I know won't lead me to you
Daddy I am sorry, I know you want me to be strong
But how can this brave heart continue fighting, if her warrior left her all alone?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

I was a foreigner for 1 minute

Just awhile ago I was at DCLA looking for a USB cable cord. I was hopping from one stall to another but apparently majority of the sales lady their didn't really know what I was talking about, until I spotted one stall manned by a korean lady. Assuming that she was the owner, it gave me a little hope that I'd be able to talk to someone who would actually know what I was talking about - finally. So I went up to her and our conversation went like this:

Me: Excuse me?

Me: Excuse me?

Me: Excuse?

Korean: ha?

Me: Do you have a Usb cable cord?

Korean: huh?!

thinking that maybe I spoke it too fast

Me: Do.... you... have... a.... usb.... cable... cord.....?

Korean: (giving me a cluless look)

Me: (sh*t I don't speak korean)

Me: Do.... you... have... a.... usb.... cable... cord.....?

Korean: uhm? pasensiya hindi ako nakakaintindi ng english, tagalog lang po...

Me: .......................... (nahilom intawon ko.)