Wednesday, November 26, 2008


It's just like keeping safe the dark chocolate that you love best and finding out one day that your older brother ate it. No matter how much your mom buys you the same chocolate again, the excitement isn't just the same anymore. The disappointment of not finding the thing that you most looked forward to will always remain. Your brother is forgiven, of course. But, with a promise that you will never keep anything so special to you anymore and that you will never, ever have another favorite ever again.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

to the air beneath my wings

I am moving few steps backward for awhile, and I hope you guys are patient enough and love me enough not to hate me. If you really know me, you should already know and understand that I am not good with sharing whatever emotions I have, I'm more used to dealing with my shit alone. I am taking few moments alone to think things over and this time I want to decide on what I THINK is best and not just merely on whatever I'm feeling or whatever you guys think and feel I should do. I am not taking you for granted, as a natter of fact, I love you guys so much that I want to save my values before abandonment, anger, confusion and pain takes over it. This shouldn' t take me so long and trust in me that I will not go that far.

Another War

Another cold war.

The captive is desperate, desperate to struggle away from the cold captivity that has trapped her inner strength into a coil of emotions that has been strongly manipulated by another person's desire, by another person's law.

Being in a world where she does not have control of was her choice. A choice she thought she could handle, a choice she thought would someday bring triumph. She fought hard for that little space left for her, doing every thing a woman can possibly do just to survive what was supposed to be a man's fight. Every now and then, she shed some tears but the want was so much stronger than the need to just give up.

Until, there was so much little left of her. Moving two steps backward from the war and for the first time saw the whole picture - she was alone. She ran from the left corner of the room and to her surprise, crashed glasses encountered her. Blood starting to drip from her arm, but she did not mind. Angry and exhausted, she went down to her knees and screamed her heart out for the first time. The world she has been fighting for all these times is just of nothing special, only a world surrounded by broken glass mirrors.

Monday, November 24, 2008

what date is it today?

It's always day one. No calendar for me, I guess.


2 red apples, a syrup of vanilla, a litter of water, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, a scatter of paper ashes and a minute chanting..

Why can't an invisibility potion be made that easy? Or maybe a sudden hit by something hard on the head could trigger such power or a an accidental rubbing of a magical lamp, who knows.

I wonder how it feels to be invisible even just for a day. You know, being able to hear people's secrets and being able to watch over someone without getting caught. Or if not an invisibility potion, I think having the power to control time would be great too.

I believe that there is someone up there who is great and immortal, but sometimes when my brain has all the time to wander, a lot of thoughts get entertained by my head. What if there is something beyond that is way greater, that there is something about human being and life that is still yet to be discovered. What if everything is just a force of nature.

On times that I do not have control of everything, i just can't help but to ponder if there is one thing that should be done or a button to be pressed just to make things a lot easier.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Wish List


1. 15-inch MacBook Pro
2. ipod shuffle
3. nokia express music
4. red Alfa Romeo
5. perfect black dress
6. all expense paid trip to Dumaguete
7. cheesecake
8. a pet turtle
9. an island in Maldives
10. an hour call from Carra (yes, 1 hour jud. haha)
11. a dvd copy of one true love (haha,shoot me)
12. a romantic and sincere relationship (kani shoot me na jud! haha)
13. a dream with daddy in it
14. be with kuya Ron, John and Jairah
15. an unlimited credit card charged to anyone else but me and my family
16. an Art of war book
17. a complete Sidney Sheldon collection
18. a book on event organizing
19. to be in Oprah's "favorite 10 things" episode
20. the perfect diary

and.... WORLD PEACE =p

hehe... wish list ra gud. tanawon n2 unsay matuman diha. hehe =)

Good Night World!

It's funny how sleep can be an alternative form of escape, well at least for awhile or at least when you don't dream about the main reason why you just don't wanna stay awake. I don't know the exact scientific or superstitious explanation, but it's surprising and quite close to irritating when you dream about that one thing that you are scared of or that specific moment that you are running away from. The fears and uncertainties continue to haunt you as if you have done wrong to their gods or goddesses. However, the most ironic part is, even if when you've dreamed about it, still you are half happy that you did. Maybe this is what they call as masochism, wanting more what hurts the most. And just to give yourself a little favor and a little more reason to inhale and exhale, you try to convince yourself that it's you who is unreasonable and that you are just over analyzing a problem that is just self-inflicted after all, besides you are the ultimate warrior when it comes to battling your heart against you mind. There are no perfect words to explain what you are feeling, except that it feels like you are having a major cardiac arrest when in fact, your doctor just examined that your heart is in perfect condition - You know you should've asked for a second, third or forth opinion, who cares? Eventually, you get tired of fighting the inevitable and just willingly submit yourself to sleep hoping that tonights dream would at least be on your side.

Divine Intervention

Each and every one will surely experience the greatest enlightenment of their lives, and I had just mine on a cold, gloomy Saturday afternoon.

Tanya: Bei, I just broke up with guy A and guy B hasn't texted since he dropped me off at work. I've been crying like a baby. When something happy happens it really is happy... happy. but when something is sad, it really is super sad.. sad naman.

Bea: Tan, can you give me like 3 mins. to compose myself? I just woke up. I don't wanna suggest suicide when all I really wanted to say was just self hurt.

Tanya: Bitch! okay. I'm counting =)


Tanya: Bei, if you being a friend is innate, I wouldn't have to wait for 3 mins.

Bea: haha! uhm, Tan, bka this is something you should've done before pa. And besides, you're happy with guy B. You deserve someone like guy B. And what's the diff? How many times have we risked with a complicated guy? What is it to risk something for that "perfect" guy for a change?

Tanya: What if guy B isn't that really serious after all?

Bea: Oh well, Hello Blue Margarita for us then!!! Just be happy what is happening now and whatever happens tomorrow, is something we will think about tomorrow.

Tanya: Haha! Mai Thai nalang at Jickongs! Thanks Bei. Finally, a solid advice from a friend. It's kinda stressing having to ask from stupid girl and from our tomboy friend. haha

Bea: And what made you think that asking about love and sex to a virgin religious girl and to a we're-not-sure-if-virgin tomboy friend is such a good idea?! LOL. Oh, we love them both!

Tanya: Uhm Woman! Because you woke up so fucking late! Where have you been last night ba?!

(After 30 minutes)

Bea: Tan, Do you know the feeling of an occasional lover? so occasional happiness din?

Tanya: Bea! You are talking to a woman who has been with 20 fucking a*holes!

Bea: Worth it kaya...

Tanya: Why won't he commit ba?

Bea: I dunno. Do I wanna commit? urgh. Take things slow daw, & I stopped asking narin coz I don't wanna be a pushover.

Tanya: How long have you been dating **** ba?

Bea: Almost 3 mos...

Tanya: 3 months palang naman! Thats ok... Just keep playing UNLESS a better game comes along :p i swear we have invisible balls!

Bea: hahaha!!! Thanks Tan! I'm keeping this text in my inbox.

Tanya: haha! Mai Thai?

Bea: No. Blue Margarita =D 8pm.

Tanya: ok. same place. later!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

falter moments

Occasional lover, lover friend, occasional happiness. Is it all worth it? How does one know if one thing is worth risking and if it is already worth stopping?

He is like my addiction, my kryptonite. He makes me both happy and sad, but being without him is just like doing my every day routine just for the heck of it. There are times when I just wanna let go, but at the end of the day, finds myself too weak to do it. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that life and love is really like this, that it is a cycle of happiness and sadness. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that not every one is lucky enough to find that one right person to love, and sometimes I'm beginning to think that I am one of those people.

Should I just settle to this kind of happiness? is really living one day at a time the right thing to do? I am scared, very scared. If only I know what's in his heart, what's in his mind. But then again, if i do, what if it's something I really shouldn't just know about?

This heart of mine needs some seminar, or a Love 101 class if there's such a thing. I wish I was just this cold-hearted person, who can switch all emotions any time I want to. I know he is just there and I also know that he can leave any time he wants to and I can't do anything about it. Are men really more of a good actors than women?


I have abandonment issues.

When in a relationship, I used to believe that I should really show how much I truly care and love a person. I used to believe that every thing should be in order, and that there should be "security" as for the both of us to know where we stand in each others lives. Until, broken promises were made and it also broke every thing of me. When my relationships end, I always end up being so hurt that sometimes I wished that easing the pain was as easy as vomiting. I jumped from one relationship to another, hoping that by not wasting time, I might be able to find that one perfect love - I became so much impatient on love.

I was a love bug. I used to dream about happily-ever-afters, and believed on love letters and theme songs. Until, I grew tired of it. However, I'm not saying that I gave up on love coz I did not and I don't think I'd ever will.

I decided to give myself a break from my love searching and just allowed love to find me instead. And after a year of being single, I am inlove again but not in a relationship. We do the things people in a relationship do, but we never talked anything about being in a relationship together. It really is complicated. So complicated that it sometimes crossed my mind to just distant myself away from him and spare myself from pain. But, as I think about it and imagine us being together, I know I myself is not yet ready.

It's just weird how something this complicated can make me feel this happy and content. Some people may define this as "settling for less," but I see what we have as "taking time." I mean, I have no where else to go, I am already deeply inlove. If pain is the issue, with or without commitment, I'd still going to feel pain. I mean, I learned to accept that love and pain is a combo and that is why there is a cliche that says: "Love is a risk."

I'm starting to feel that having no commitment reminds me from not expecting anything, thus sparing myself from disappointments. And because there are no expectations, even the littlest things from him becomes beautiful surprises.

Last night, I was in a taxi on my way home when I realized that the difference between what I have with him and what i had with my other relationships is that with him, I am not blinded with the fact that I can get hurt. I know this will soon hurt and its gonna cost me more blogging, more winston lights and more blue margarita pitchers. But, im hoping that it's not gonna be as breaking (though I'm sure when this comes I'd still wanna vomit). Besides, what promises are there to break when there weren't any promises made to start with?

I have come to accept that you can't always expect for people you love to be there forever. So now, I have outgrown my abandonment issues. I have now what they call comittment issues.

And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

Friday, November 21, 2008

You Are My Beautiful Surprise

You are my susceptibility, my strength, my morning coffee and my midnight cigarette
The feeling is a mixture of excitement, danger and nervousness with surprising bliss moments on top
Every word that comes out from your mouth I long to listen to
and every stolen glance and smile you give me gives butterflies in my stomach

It was not the perfect night I used to imagine while reading one of my favorite romantic novels. There were no birds humming, no roses to make me swoon over you even more, and no lying on the sand while gazing at the stage of stars above. But, it was still one of the most beautiful nights of my entire life. You made it seemed like nothing else mattered that time except you and I.

I thought princesses are only those who wear crowns above their heads with stunning dresses to compliment their blue eyes, until you made me feel that I was a princess on a Thursday night.

I think I have just cornered myself in deep vexation. So deep that I don't even mind being buried alive.

Thursday, November 20, 2008


When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

Secrets of an Occasional Lover


I usually doubt his honesty, but I'm not sure either if knowing the whole truth would make things better. He tells me things that he thinks I should know about and shuts me off when he thinks I'm crossing the line. It took two fucking cold treatments from him before I finally realized that I am not his brat. Two fucking cold treatments from him before it fully got into me that showing too much emotions I have for him would just push him away instead of keeping us together. I finally learned to let him know that I love him, but still gives him this occasional chance to ponder if I really do. Perhaps I call that my personal art of war on Love - the chasing and the reading of the mind. It's true that the feeling of security is important, but once you treat it as if it's a freebie, you just killed the mystery that keeps the fire burning.

And besides, what does an occasional lover got to complain?

I'm still sticking to being that girl his secrets are about.

Monday, November 17, 2008

He Said... She Said...

He worries when you're out all night and follows-up if you have gone home safely. He texts you every now and then just to remind you to take your meal and you do the same thing. He does you favors you know he wouldn't just do to any one else. He questions those times when you don't reply to his texts right away. And most of all, both of you have sex every so often.

He tells you you are special and that both of you should just enjoy each other, while you just smile and agree when deep inside you know you want more than that, you know you want assurance. So yeah, he is not your boyfriend and you are not his girlfriend. Exclusively dating? not even.

Your friends ask you what the real score is, and when you have just started saying special frie... your friends just finished the word "bullshit" in chorus. Of course you won't care anyway coz you know you really are "special friends" (bullshit). Him bringing you McDonalds, chocolates and planning what gift to give you on Christmas are just few of th things that can support it.

For awhile, you are this strong woman who like him is just enjoying each other. Until, the inevitable happens, you became emotional and it complicated things - er, according to him at least. You broke down and confessed your love to him, he threw the ball back at you by saying that it was your fault. Desperate of wanting to see him after the "fight," you flood him with texts, while he simply just ignores. And when you already become "too" irritating, he finally texts you telling you that you are unreasonable and that you are not his girlfriend.

It hits you big time. Yeah, you know that from the very start, but it's different when you really hear it from another person, especially when it comes from the last person you want to hear it from. So, trying to protect the littlest sense of pride left for your being, you struggle to distance yourself from him. There are moments when you just had to text him once or twice a day, until you finally found a way not to totally text him at all. And when you finally become numb of not having him, not texting or calling him for a week, you recieve a message from him saying he misses you. After some desperate attempts to ignore him, you reply the expected - I missed you too.

Secretly you are happy that he finally texted and as not to spoil the moment, you agree that it was just your fault. And then you go back to being "special friends."