after years and years...

As much as I try myself from not over doing the excitements of the newly graduates, I can't help but scribble a little bit. Life certainly has its wonders. Yesterday you were still cramming for your long major exam, and before you knew it, you are already standing, taking oath and shifting your tassel to the left corner of your cap. What's next? you should ask. Now I know why school is sometimes better, and safer if I may say. When you were still in the four corners of your alma mater, at least you'd know what to do tomorrow - wake up early, eat breakfast, go to school. But, when all of those have come to an end, you suddenly realize that for the first time in your life, you do not know what to do next. You suddenly fear the imagery of being poor. because true enough, your choices today will either make your or break you. Welcome to the real world! as how most of the professionals would say. I wonder what my first job would be like, and I wonder how would my first salary pay would feel. I want to do millions of things, if only all of those are possible and necessary. Sometimes, I would still wish that I'd be in school tomorrow. Sometimes, I wish I still have an exam to pass. But, being in college forever wasn't my eternal plan. Damn i don't wanna be a bum. Hopefully, a month or two of soul searching will do the job.

Letter

A letter from a daughter to the person who makes her weak and strong all at the same time, to the person who makes her nervous, to the person whom she thinks of everyday, and to the person who she calls mom.


I know you've been through hell and all that shit. I know it wasn't easy, i mean c'mon, I'd be dead crazy if I was in your position. EverytimeI think of you I feel anxious, anxious because I know that in every action that I do, the reaction is double to you. But, sometimes, I wish that you'd understand that everytime I try to be strong for you, I am slowly getting weak for myself. Being your shock absorber is fine with me, but do you really wanna make it as a habit? I seriously wanna be there for you, all the time mom. But, I am scared that being closer to you might just lead me into hating you, and I don't like that. What you just don't know is that I have beautiful plans for my life mom, but it would mean being away from you that is why I am changing those a little bit. I want you to know that no matter how scared I am today, I am still gonna be there for you today, tomorrow and the tomorrows after. I love you mom and all I want is for you to do me a little favor? make me your shock absorber, but leave a little space for comfort please.

Fuck you - literally!!!

Thin cushion laying on the wooden floor, lights off, tears falling, me begging.

Not again, oh no, not again

sitting up face-to-face, you try to make me understand

but my brain isn't just processing and my heart saying that this pain i can't stand

Laying my hands against yours and yours against mine

Oh God don't think that I don't know it's unfair

I know my needs and wants when I'm with you is insatiable

While you doing this over and over again isn't something unbelievable

If fighting for this again is a battle we can never win

then, I might as well exposed all my feelings inside

So I'm laying you down and my lips is with you

For I know that tomorrow would be easier if I could say that at least I fucked you

Hayskul nostalgia

The people you fell inlove with when you were still a teen will change, but just in a way that will make you love them even more.
Friendship isn't just being sweet and funny, but its about being there to laugh both about the jokes and insults, and finding sweetness even in the sourest amount of bill that everyone has to pay. hehe >3

driving back and forth

When your past starts to hunt you and you begin to re-discover, you realized that rediscovering wasn't such a good idea at all. You scan the letters, the pictures and then the memories and find yourself crying to sleep once more.

He was my love, my true love and it scares me that what if, just what if, true love really only happens once in a lifetime and my chance had already passed by - if only it did not came sooner. I know I don't have the right to get hurt anymore. He is already happy with his own life, with someone else, while here I am, still broken. Being more and more broken.

Feliz Navidad?

Another season of gift giving and traditional family gatherings. Adults and kids alike cheer to celebrate the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ. The warmth of the christmas tree brings happiness and joy to every houses as children sing their carols in exchange for sweet little favors from both willing and unwilling neighbors. Every year, christmas has been festive - buffet, exchange gifts and shindigs. Though this year is a cold one, still christmas reminds that it is not only a celebration for those loved-ones around, but for those loved-ones who passed away as well. Feliz Navidad!

Not perfectly written and I love it!

I have a home and it is where I grew up in. It is where I studied my first education, met my first friends, and where I found and met my first love. My home is not something that I can constantly complain about. As a matter of fact, I think all its imperfections made it even more perfect. And, as I grow up and begin to see the bigger picture of what life really means, my aspirations and dreams grew with it as well. However, even though how much I adore my home, I figured that I wanted to be in another unfamiliar place and not just for me to be independent, but for me to adore and love my home even more - besides they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. That unfamiliar place became my second home and it simply amazes me how possible it was for a person to consider two homes in one lifetime. I travel - from one home to another. When the situation in my first home gets a little bit harder for me to bear, I immediately imagine myself going back to my second home, and when the situation in my second home becomes a little bit more intoxicating, I immediately rush myself back to my first home. Everybody tells me that I am strong and I believe that I am. But, right now I am thinking: was I just strong because I know I can run from one home to another? What if the time comes that I wouldn't be able to go back to my second home for a long time? Would I be that strong enough to bear and face my first home? I have never been uncertain in my entire life. I have always been proud of myself when it comes to handling problems for I never ran away from it. I mean, I am and was never the type who prefers alcohol over crying just to forget my problems and struggle even just for awhile. I am the type who hates pain, but loves to feel the every second of its throbbing until its gone or until I'm too tired and dehydrated to entertain it. However, with this backpacking from my one home to another, the thought scares me that maybe I was unconsciously running from all those problems all along. When I first knew about my father, I walked so fast even without destination - I didn't wallow in one corner nor cried. I am now in my first home and Man! I can't wait to go back to my second home. Before coming here, I had a plan. I planned to prepare for my brother's wedding the best way that I can, spend time with my friends as intimate as possible, be with my lover as often as we could, and to top it all, comfort and love my mom in the best possible way that can. But, everything just seems to fall out of place. I feel that no matter how much I try, I can never do the right thing in my first home while in my second home, I was the problem solver, the person whom everybody runs to. Everything I say or do always seem to cause trouble and when just when I feel so happy, my loneliness just keeps on knocking on my door that I do not have the strength nor the power to decline its entrance. When I'm extremely depressed and no one is there to talk to me - which rarely happens - I get even more depressed because I feel alone even though I am not. I am becoming more selfish as I already was. In reality, I am still that little-miss-bratty-daddy's girl who is head over heels dependent. I want to scream to my heart's content and break things until there is nothing much left to break anymore. I want to write until every letter and every punctuation marks are all used up. And most of all, I want to walk and walk hoping that I might find a third home (Oh God I'm planning of running - again). I wish somebody would just come up to me - I don't care whether its a longtime friend or a stranger - and shout to my face that I am the weakest person ever. Of course I would put an act that I am insulted and I would defend myself, but after all the commotion subsided, I would secretly thank that person for acknowledging the part that I was never allowed to play in this stage I call life. Don't get me wrong. I once had that person. I once had that hero, but as simple english implies, "had" is in the past tense form of a word.