Divine Intervention

Each and every one will surely experience the greatest enlightenment of their lives, and I had just mine on a cold, gloomy Saturday afternoon.


Tanya: Bei, I just broke up with guy A and guy B hasn't texted since he dropped me off at work. I've been crying like a baby. When something happy happens it really is happy... happy. but when something is sad, it really is super sad.. sad naman.

Bea: Tan, can you give me like 3 mins. to compose myself? I just woke up. I don't wanna suggest suicide when all I really wanted to say was just self hurt.

Tanya: Bitch! okay. I'm counting =)

.......

Tanya: Bei, if you being a friend is innate, I wouldn't have to wait for 3 mins.

Bea: haha! uhm, Tan, bka this is something you should've done before pa. And besides, you're happy with guy B. You deserve someone like guy B. And what's the diff? How many times have we risked with a complicated guy? What is it to risk something for that "perfect" guy for a change?

Tanya: What if guy B isn't that really serious after all?

Bea: Oh well, Hello Blue Margarita for us then!!! Just be happy what is happening now and whatever happens tomorrow, is something we will think about tomorrow.

Tanya: Haha! Mai Thai nalang at Jickongs! Thanks Bei. Finally, a solid advice from a friend. It's kinda stressing having to ask from stupid girl and from our tomboy friend. haha

Bea: And what made you think that asking about love and sex to a virgin religious girl and to a we're-not-sure-if-virgin tomboy friend is such a good idea?! LOL. Oh, we love them both!

Tanya: Uhm Woman! Because you woke up so fucking late! Where have you been last night ba?!

(After 30 minutes)

Bea: Tan, Do you know the feeling of an occasional lover? so occasional happiness din?

Tanya: Bea! You are talking to a woman who has been with 20 fucking a*holes!

Bea: Worth it kaya...

Tanya: Why won't he commit ba?

Bea: I dunno. Do I wanna commit? urgh. Take things slow daw, & I stopped asking narin coz I don't wanna be a pushover.

Tanya: How long have you been dating **** ba?

Bea: Almost 3 mos...

Tanya: 3 months palang naman! Thats ok... Just keep playing UNLESS a better game comes along :p i swear we have invisible balls!

Bea: hahaha!!! Thanks Tan! I'm keeping this text in my inbox.

Tanya: haha! Mai Thai?

Bea: No. Blue Margarita =D 8pm.

Tanya: ok. same place. later!

falter moments

Occasional lover, lover friend, occasional happiness. Is it all worth it? How does one know if one thing is worth risking and if it is already worth stopping?

He is like my addiction, my kryptonite. He makes me both happy and sad, but being without him is just like doing my every day routine just for the heck of it. There are times when I just wanna let go, but at the end of the day, finds myself too weak to do it. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that life and love is really like this, that it is a cycle of happiness and sadness. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that not every one is lucky enough to find that one right person to love, and sometimes I'm beginning to think that I am one of those people.

Should I just settle to this kind of happiness? is really living one day at a time the right thing to do? I am scared, very scared. If only I know what's in his heart, what's in his mind. But then again, if i do, what if it's something I really shouldn't just know about?

This heart of mine needs some seminar, or a Love 101 class if there's such a thing. I wish I was just this cold-hearted person, who can switch all emotions any time I want to. I know he is just there and I also know that he can leave any time he wants to and I can't do anything about it. Are men really more of a good actors than women?

issues

I have abandonment issues.

When in a relationship, I used to believe that I should really show how much I truly care and love a person. I used to believe that every thing should be in order, and that there should be "security" as for the both of us to know where we stand in each others lives. Until, broken promises were made and it also broke every thing of me. When my relationships end, I always end up being so hurt that sometimes I wished that easing the pain was as easy as vomiting. I jumped from one relationship to another, hoping that by not wasting time, I might be able to find that one perfect love - I became so much impatient on love.

I was a love bug. I used to dream about happily-ever-afters, and believed on love letters and theme songs. Until, I grew tired of it. However, I'm not saying that I gave up on love coz I did not and I don't think I'd ever will.

I decided to give myself a break from my love searching and just allowed love to find me instead. And after a year of being single, I am inlove again but not in a relationship. We do the things people in a relationship do, but we never talked anything about being in a relationship together. It really is complicated. So complicated that it sometimes crossed my mind to just distant myself away from him and spare myself from pain. But, as I think about it and imagine us being together, I know I myself is not yet ready.

It's just weird how something this complicated can make me feel this happy and content. Some people may define this as "settling for less," but I see what we have as "taking time." I mean, I have no where else to go, I am already deeply inlove. If pain is the issue, with or without commitment, I'd still going to feel pain. I mean, I learned to accept that love and pain is a combo and that is why there is a cliche that says: "Love is a risk."

I'm starting to feel that having no commitment reminds me from not expecting anything, thus sparing myself from disappointments. And because there are no expectations, even the littlest things from him becomes beautiful surprises.

Last night, I was in a taxi on my way home when I realized that the difference between what I have with him and what i had with my other relationships is that with him, I am not blinded with the fact that I can get hurt. I know this will soon hurt and its gonna cost me more blogging, more winston lights and more blue margarita pitchers. But, im hoping that it's not gonna be as breaking (though I'm sure when this comes I'd still wanna vomit). Besides, what promises are there to break when there weren't any promises made to start with?

I have come to accept that you can't always expect for people you love to be there forever. So now, I have outgrown my abandonment issues. I have now what they call comittment issues.


And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

You Are My Beautiful Surprise

You are my susceptibility, my strength, my morning coffee and my midnight cigarette
The feeling is a mixture of excitement, danger and nervousness with surprising bliss moments on top
Every word that comes out from your mouth I long to listen to
and every stolen glance and smile you give me gives butterflies in my stomach

It was not the perfect night I used to imagine while reading one of my favorite romantic novels. There were no birds humming, no roses to make me swoon over you even more, and no lying on the sand while gazing at the stage of stars above. But, it was still one of the most beautiful nights of my entire life. You made it seemed like nothing else mattered that time except you and I.

I thought princesses are only those who wear crowns above their heads with stunning dresses to compliment their blue eyes, until you made me feel that I was a princess on a Thursday night.

I think I have just cornered myself in deep vexation. So deep that I don't even mind being buried alive.

Salamat

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

Secrets of an Occasional Lover

WOULD I RATHER BE THE GIRL HE SHARES HIS SECRETS WITH? OR THE GIRL HIS SECRETS ARE ABOUT?


I usually doubt his honesty, but I'm not sure either if knowing the whole truth would make things better. He tells me things that he thinks I should know about and shuts me off when he thinks I'm crossing the line. It took two fucking cold treatments from him before I finally realized that I am not his brat. Two fucking cold treatments from him before it fully got into me that showing too much emotions I have for him would just push him away instead of keeping us together. I finally learned to let him know that I love him, but still gives him this occasional chance to ponder if I really do. Perhaps I call that my personal art of war on Love - the chasing and the reading of the mind. It's true that the feeling of security is important, but once you treat it as if it's a freebie, you just killed the mystery that keeps the fire burning.

And besides, what does an occasional lover got to complain?



I'm still sticking to being that girl his secrets are about.

He Said... She Said...

He worries when you're out all night and follows-up if you have gone home safely. He texts you every now and then just to remind you to take your meal and you do the same thing. He does you favors you know he wouldn't just do to any one else. He questions those times when you don't reply to his texts right away. And most of all, both of you have sex every so often.

He tells you you are special and that both of you should just enjoy each other, while you just smile and agree when deep inside you know you want more than that, you know you want assurance. So yeah, he is not your boyfriend and you are not his girlfriend. Exclusively dating? not even.

Your friends ask you what the real score is, and when you have just started saying special frie... your friends just finished the word "bullshit" in chorus. Of course you won't care anyway coz you know you really are "special friends" (bullshit). Him bringing you McDonalds, chocolates and planning what gift to give you on Christmas are just few of th things that can support it.

For awhile, you are this strong woman who like him is just enjoying each other. Until, the inevitable happens, you became emotional and it complicated things - er, according to him at least. You broke down and confessed your love to him, he threw the ball back at you by saying that it was your fault. Desperate of wanting to see him after the "fight," you flood him with texts, while he simply just ignores. And when you already become "too" irritating, he finally texts you telling you that you are unreasonable and that you are not his girlfriend.

It hits you big time. Yeah, you know that from the very start, but it's different when you really hear it from another person, especially when it comes from the last person you want to hear it from. So, trying to protect the littlest sense of pride left for your being, you struggle to distance yourself from him. There are moments when you just had to text him once or twice a day, until you finally found a way not to totally text him at all. And when you finally become numb of not having him, not texting or calling him for a week, you recieve a message from him saying he misses you. After some desperate attempts to ignore him, you reply the expected - I missed you too.

Secretly you are happy that he finally texted and as not to spoil the moment, you agree that it was just your fault. And then you go back to being "special friends."