Tuesday, December 2, 2008


1:45 am and he just left the house. I made him blueberry cheesecake, gave him the miniature motorcycle I found at the mall and we watched a movie together. While he was still so engrossed with the movie, I borrowed his phone and he gave it to me. My alibi was that I wanted to listen to the new songs he downloaded, but the truth was, I wanted to check his message inbox and so I did. Majority of his inbox are my messages. I don't think that was something to be happy about coz I sense that maybe he isn't just the type who would clear his inbox every so often (he has more than 500 SMS in his inbox and more than 300 in his sent). In his inbox are also messages from a girl named Kai. And since I began to be more curious, I read his sent items too. I felt my legs weakened and my heart crumpled as I read in his sent items about his text to the girl saying that he has fallen for the girl. I tried so hard to compose myself and pretend that I was okay. I cannot freak out, I do not have the right to because I am not his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, I don't know what I am to him. I read the girl's text too and she said that she just sees him as a friend. But even though finding out that the girl does not feel the same, still, it did not comfort me. Not knowing what he feels for me that I can handle, but finding out that he feels for another what I feel for him is just something I could not bear. All the time that I thought he was busy doing over time at work, he was dating the girl. He just met the girl last November 24, 2008 and he already felt that. Now I know where I stand in his life, if that's of any consolation to me. Countless of times I told him that I should distant myself from him, but I never did simply because my heart can't. But, this time, I think I should just really go. And I shouldn't tell him anymore, I should just do it. I need to escape from this while I still can. I should stop putting myself to this trap. After he left, I've been wanting to cry, but I just felt so numb that I don't even know which emotion should I cater first. Every after any heart break, I tell myself that I should find someone who loves me more than I love him, but I always fail to stick to my words. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another struggle for me to get over him and spare myself from further pains. I knew it. Every day with him is day one. I should stop this. It is only me who can protect myself.

Now I have proven that if a guy has lesser time for you, 99.9% is that he has someone else.