Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

It's my second Christmas with blogspot.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!! and Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Friday, December 19, 2008

to a friend who is unconditional

Having a friend who is heart broken is not new to me anymore. It is not that I am getting used it already, because it still pains me the same, but I just acknowledge the fact that even though how my friend may seem to be so assertive and all, he still has a broken heart deep inside. Last night, my friend and I had a text conversation and we shared our views on what lessons we have learned from our painful experiences with love. He told me that his was that love is not and will never be on his side. I understand where he is coming from, as a matter of fact, I know he has all the reasons to think that way. That is why, it made me thinking, how many wonderful people capable of giving so much love already gave up on it just because of someone the opposite? Why won't just be there a force wherein two people who are both capable of giving the same just meet? I do not know the exact answers to my questions. But whatever it is, if people gives up on love, I hope love will do its toll this time and do the fighting. Deep in my heart I know my friend will love again, and if that happens, the next person would still be the luckiest. However, if my friend decides to contradict on love for the rest of his life, I'm sure someone must be out there to prove him love's worth once more.


Do you know that you make me blush every time you demand for my time? that you bring butterflies in my stomach every time you unconsciously caress my arms? that you make me feel special when you ask for my opinions of decisions that are important to you? and most of all, do you know that I am becoming to love you every single day? I can't tell you this yet, but someday I hope I could tell you that last night was one of the sweetest. Despite how tired we were - especially you - you still went to the house and just hugged each other until we both fell asleep. We didn't talk much nor did any thing much, but it made me feel that it doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're beside each other we can finally call it a day.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


They asked me if my tummy hurts when I think of you, when my hands shake when you are somewhere near or when my head aches just thinking about you. I gave them a long pause. A long pause not because I had no for an answer, but because I was gleefully recounting all moments where the way you smiled made my tummy hurts, the scent of your body made my hands shake and how much our guessing game has been making my head ache. Could this be love? I do not know, though I hope it is. I wanna love you, I wanna take care of you. And, for the first time of my loving experience, I am not expecting any thing in return. If only you would realize how much capable I am of loving you this time. I know I caused you so much pain, but I am willing to make up for all of it. I can shield those hurts I caused you, if only you would allow me to. Babe, think about us. And if it is not too much to ask from you, think about us while I still have the strength to hold from this never ending limbo.  I love you. And for some strange reasons, I think you feel the same way too. I understand where your fear is coming from, but Babe, I am afraid too. Can't we just face this fear together? Think about us. 

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Now i know.

For the longest time, I've been wanting to find that perfect timing to have the chance to straight the records straight with you. However, I've been apprehensive thinking that it might not be a good idea. Until, last night, you texted me what seemed to be an opener for that conversation. Out of nowhere, you told me that you already feel ashamed since you can't return the love that I'm giving you. My hands were shaking while I read your text, but I did not let my emotions overpower me because I know that it is the last thing that situation needs. I asked you if you can't give us another chance, and you explained: you said you are already scared coz you know I am capable of hurting you over and over again. I told you that if ever you really are closing your doors, then it is just right that you let me go. But then again, you said no.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Mending a little bit sooner

I'm letting you go not because I have come to love you less or lost my care for you, but because you never gave me the reason to stay. Sometimes you make me feel that I should just stick around, while sometimes you make me feel like I'm just another ordinary woman to you. If you think that this is easy for me, then perhaps that is how insensitive you can get. I may seem okay and happy when you see me around, but that is just because a happy face is the only shield left for my protection. I used to think that this was just a guessing game, until I realized that maybe this was only unclear at my end. That maybe all these times, what we have is really clear to you - that I am just that woman whom you used to fall in love with a long time ago. I am missing you terribly and I am trying to be stronger each day because I know finally letting this go is the right thing to do. All my life I have always followed my heart, unmindful of whatever hurt it might cause me. But, all of it has failed. And this time might be the time to give my brain a chance to rule my decisions, hoping that this brain of mine would know my way to happiness. Every day I wonder where you are, what you might be doing, and who you are with. And, the thought of you being with another woman stabs me like a knife. Honestly, if you really are with another woman, I'd rather not know. I just hope that in the 24 hours of your day, even just a second of that you spend thinking about me or wondering where I could be. I might be in this limbo for a while or not, but I'm sure time heals all wounds. At least now every day does not seem day one anymore. Every day is growing with me knowing that I am finally letting you go. If one day you'll realize that it was a mistake letting me go and if one day you'll realize that you should've cared for me more, then I hope that heart of yours will find it's way back to me. However, if you continue to live each day getting used to not having me around anymore, then at least I have started mending my heart a little bit sooner.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

dumaguete L-O-V-E

I'm leaving for the states. Not any time soon though, well that's if you start counting today. But, as early as now, I'm feeling depressed already. It feels like I'll be leaving a lot behind me. Aside from the anxiety of what is up for me in the states, I feel that my life here in Pinas is just starting and I'm leaving it right away. Sometimes I wish that instead of a ticket for US, they just bought me a one-way ticket to Dumaguete. I don't know, I just never got used to not being in Dumaguete to think that it has almost been a year. I have good friends here in Davao, but my friends in Dumaguete are more of a family than just friends. Those people know the real me, even the shit in me. With them I can laugh out loud without anyone shutting me up and get really upset without the pressure of explaining. But, like anyone else's, my life has to move on too. I guess sometimes I just have to be distant from the people and form the life that I love so much, but I'm sure that's not gonna be forever. I am trusting, deep in my heart, that I'm gonna meet my Dumaguete friends again. I don't care if it's gonna be as early as next year or as later when we are all already 30 to 40-ish. I don't know. Coz of all the love in the world, the love we have for each other is a sure thing.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Goodluck to me

The escape is finally processing. Until when will it last? I dunno. And what will be brought upon by this? The more I dunno. But whatever it may be, I'm hoping and wishing for the best. Pretty tired, u know ;p... I'm using my heart to take care of those people I love and my brain to protect myself.

Thursday, December 4, 2008


TANG INA KA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


Name: bea
Date: 12/3/2008
Colorgenics Number: 13742650

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

Your situation is such that at this time it is essential that you resolve your inherent problems immediately. You are not listening nor taking heed from your many friends and advisers, all of which believe it or not, 'wish you well'. Most of your colleagues feel that your attitude is out of context - an attitude of recklessness and desperation. It is imperative that some solution be found, but whatever you do, think before you act.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

You are on tenterhooks and appear to be extremely nervous and upset. You are bored and you feel that life has far more to offer than this present day mundane existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you - but forever under control.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


1:45 am and he just left the house. I made him blueberry cheesecake, gave him the miniature motorcycle I found at the mall and we watched a movie together. While he was still so engrossed with the movie, I borrowed his phone and he gave it to me. My alibi was that I wanted to listen to the new songs he downloaded, but the truth was, I wanted to check his message inbox and so I did. Majority of his inbox are my messages. I don't think that was something to be happy about coz I sense that maybe he isn't just the type who would clear his inbox every so often (he has more than 500 SMS in his inbox and more than 300 in his sent). In his inbox are also messages from a girl named Kai. And since I began to be more curious, I read his sent items too. I felt my legs weakened and my heart crumpled as I read in his sent items about his text to the girl saying that he has fallen for the girl. I tried so hard to compose myself and pretend that I was okay. I cannot freak out, I do not have the right to because I am not his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, I don't know what I am to him. I read the girl's text too and she said that she just sees him as a friend. But even though finding out that the girl does not feel the same, still, it did not comfort me. Not knowing what he feels for me that I can handle, but finding out that he feels for another what I feel for him is just something I could not bear. All the time that I thought he was busy doing over time at work, he was dating the girl. He just met the girl last November 24, 2008 and he already felt that. Now I know where I stand in his life, if that's of any consolation to me. Countless of times I told him that I should distant myself from him, but I never did simply because my heart can't. But, this time, I think I should just really go. And I shouldn't tell him anymore, I should just do it. I need to escape from this while I still can. I should stop putting myself to this trap. After he left, I've been wanting to cry, but I just felt so numb that I don't even know which emotion should I cater first. Every after any heart break, I tell myself that I should find someone who loves me more than I love him, but I always fail to stick to my words. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another struggle for me to get over him and spare myself from further pains. I knew it. Every day with him is day one. I should stop this. It is only me who can protect myself.

Now I have proven that if a guy has lesser time for you, 99.9% is that he has someone else.