happy harts day

Xander gave me a secret prayer and up until now, I still pray it. Almost every day actually.

At times I wonder: "Are there some things that reminds you of me?" and that silver chain around your right wrist, "Do you think of me and sigh every time you look at that?"

Well, okay... honestly, what I'm really wondering is this: "Do you think of me as much as I think of you?" Coz as BullSh*t as it is, I think of you despite the strong urge not to. And what's more annoying is I don't know why even during at my busiest, this brain of mine still has that itsy bitsy corner for you. I hate it when I involuntarily turn around every time I hear a motorcycle pass by, and I hate it even more every time there's an urge to look back every time I pass by the street that locates your office. Right now, you're the one who makes me weak. I weaken every time I remember the feeling being with you. Being with you wasn't even magical, as a matter of fact, there were more anger and confusion than blissful moments. But I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND why I am still feeling all of these! I know you are happy - it shows looking at the only means I could based on. I too am happy, but I wonder how it feels to stop searching. I always have control over my life and this is something I have not mastered for I have never felt this lost before. I'm sure this isn't just all about you. I know there is something in me I should fix, but still can't since to start with, I don't even know which part of me to fix and how.

Awhile ago at the office, my office mate suddenly asked me if would I still give you a chance in case you come back to me. I was taken aback by the question and was made to think really hard, until I found my answer: "I'll be happy if that happens..for awhile. But, I don't think I can or should take him back anymore. Coz if I do, the more nothing would be left of me. If I take him back, I'm sure I'd still end up being taken for granted because I just assured him too much - once again - that I am just there always available for him. I already had become too much of a convenience for him that I think I deserve gaining my self-respect back."

So do I still wish him miserable? Well, there's another secret prayer for that part.