Friday, January 16, 2009

I'm happier without you

You sent me a text last Monday telling me that you already have a girlfriend, and the moment I read your text, I struggled just to compose myself in the office trying hard not to faint. I took a half day at work because I knew very well that the pain would last me the whole day (Didn't I used to be your every day?). Immediately, I met up with my friends and we drank the whole night away.

I was so mad at you that the tears running down my cheeks were more of hate than just "ouch." How can you meet someone on a Saturday and be her boyfriend just hours after?? Major Asshole. To add insult to the injury, you even told me that nothing between us should change. Fuck?! You want us to be the same? lucky you mister feeling Adonis! Argh.

Right away, I wanted to know who the girl is. I admit, for a moment, the thought that you were with her was stabbing me so deeply. But, when I finally found out who the girl is, it helped me to become better (let me stop here before I say something mean).

For almost 4 months, I was trying to fight for us. Trying to work things out, trying to ease that fear you have in your heart. But would it make the love I had for you questionable if I say that it only took me 3 days to be okay? I'm not saying that I have totally moved on, but I am so much happier.

I wasn't expecting that being without you would give me peace of mind. Since the day I decided that you are not part of my life anymore, every thing just seems so light, so easy. For some unexplainable reasons, I grew tired of listening to songs that reminds me of you and finds myself humming new love songs and other feel-good music.

My friends told me that I should not see you yet, coz my heart isn't ready for that yet. I know my friends were right, but I wanted to figure out ASAP if I'm really already okay. Besides, I don't want to be in denial of the pain and convince myself wrongly that I'm okay. Mas ganahan kog one time big time ang sakit, kaysa na okay ko karon then mata ko kalit then boom! tang ina, sakit pa diay! So, last night, we were at the house together.

You noticed changes that I didn't even notice. Like, how cold I have become and how suddenly casual I was to you. Whatever my actions were are of nothing intentional. You know me, my gestures follow what my heart dictates.

I realized that I shouldn't hate you, because whether love or hate, these are still feelings and you don't deserve any of those from me. I have already exhausted so much for you, that I'm giving them back to myself.

This is a very exciting begining for me. I had my hair cut to make me feel better within and I am spending more time with my friends and meeting new people.

I may not hate you as much as I want to nor hate you as much as you deserve, but one thing is for certain, I CAN NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY AGAIN.