Merry Christmas

It's my second Christmas with blogspot.

Merry Christmas Everyone!!! and Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

to a friend who is unconditional

Having a friend who is heart broken is not new to me anymore. It is not that I am getting used it already, because it still pains me the same, but I just acknowledge the fact that even though how my friend may seem to be so assertive and all, he still has a broken heart deep inside. Last night, my friend and I had a text conversation and we shared our views on what lessons we have learned from our painful experiences with love. He told me that his was that love is not and will never be on his side. I understand where he is coming from, as a matter of fact, I know he has all the reasons to think that way. That is why, it made me thinking, how many wonderful people capable of giving so much love already gave up on it just because of someone the opposite? Why won't just be there a force wherein two people who are both capable of giving the same just meet? I do not know the exact answers to my questions. But whatever it is, if people gives up on love, I hope love will do its toll this time and do the fighting. Deep in my heart I know my friend will love again, and if that happens, the next person would still be the luckiest. However, if my friend decides to contradict on love for the rest of his life, I'm sure someone must be out there to prove him love's worth once more.

hey

Do you know that you make me blush every time you demand for my time? that you bring butterflies in my stomach every time you unconsciously caress my arms? that you make me feel special when you ask for my opinions of decisions that are important to you? and most of all, do you know that I am becoming to love you every single day? I can't tell you this yet, but someday I hope I could tell you that last night was one of the sweetest. Despite how tired we were - especially you - you still went to the house and just hugged each other until we both fell asleep. We didn't talk much nor did any thing much, but it made me feel that it doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're beside each other we can finally call it a day.

Babe

They asked me if my tummy hurts when I think of you, when my hands shake when you are somewhere near or when my head aches just thinking about you. I gave them a long pause. A long pause not because I had no for an answer, but because I was gleefully recounting all moments where the way you smiled made my tummy hurts, the scent of your body made my hands shake and how much our guessing game has been making my head ache. Could this be love? I do not know, though I hope it is. I wanna love you, I wanna take care of you. And, for the first time of my loving experience, I am not expecting any thing in return. If only you would realize how much capable I am of loving you this time. I know I caused you so much pain, but I am willing to make up for all of it. I can shield those hurts I caused you, if only you would allow me to. Babe, think about us. And if it is not too much to ask from you, think about us while I still have the strength to hold from this never ending limbo.  I love you. And for some strange reasons, I think you feel the same way too. I understand where your fear is coming from, but Babe, I am afraid too. Can't we just face this fear together? Think about us. 

Now i know.

For the longest time, I've been wanting to find that perfect timing to have the chance to straight the records straight with you. However, I've been apprehensive thinking that it might not be a good idea. Until, last night, you texted me what seemed to be an opener for that conversation. Out of nowhere, you told me that you already feel ashamed since you can't return the love that I'm giving you. My hands were shaking while I read your text, but I did not let my emotions overpower me because I know that it is the last thing that situation needs. I asked you if you can't give us another chance, and you explained: you said you are already scared coz you know I am capable of hurting you over and over again. I told you that if ever you really are closing your doors, then it is just right that you let me go. But then again, you said no.

Mending a little bit sooner

I'm letting you go not because I have come to love you less or lost my care for you, but because you never gave me the reason to stay. Sometimes you make me feel that I should just stick around, while sometimes you make me feel like I'm just another ordinary woman to you. If you think that this is easy for me, then perhaps that is how insensitive you can get. I may seem okay and happy when you see me around, but that is just because a happy face is the only shield left for my protection. I used to think that this was just a guessing game, until I realized that maybe this was only unclear at my end. That maybe all these times, what we have is really clear to you - that I am just that woman whom you used to fall in love with a long time ago. I am missing you terribly and I am trying to be stronger each day because I know finally letting this go is the right thing to do. All my life I have always followed my heart, unmindful of whatever hurt it might cause me. But, all of it has failed. And this time might be the time to give my brain a chance to rule my decisions, hoping that this brain of mine would know my way to happiness. Every day I wonder where you are, what you might be doing, and who you are with. And, the thought of you being with another woman stabs me like a knife. Honestly, if you really are with another woman, I'd rather not know. I just hope that in the 24 hours of your day, even just a second of that you spend thinking about me or wondering where I could be. I might be in this limbo for a while or not, but I'm sure time heals all wounds. At least now every day does not seem day one anymore. Every day is growing with me knowing that I am finally letting you go. If one day you'll realize that it was a mistake letting me go and if one day you'll realize that you should've cared for me more, then I hope that heart of yours will find it's way back to me. However, if you continue to live each day getting used to not having me around anymore, then at least I have started mending my heart a little bit sooner.

dumaguete L-O-V-E

I'm leaving for the states. Not any time soon though, well that's if you start counting today. But, as early as now, I'm feeling depressed already. It feels like I'll be leaving a lot behind me. Aside from the anxiety of what is up for me in the states, I feel that my life here in Pinas is just starting and I'm leaving it right away. Sometimes I wish that instead of a ticket for US, they just bought me a one-way ticket to Dumaguete. I don't know, I just never got used to not being in Dumaguete to think that it has almost been a year. I have good friends here in Davao, but my friends in Dumaguete are more of a family than just friends. Those people know the real me, even the shit in me. With them I can laugh out loud without anyone shutting me up and get really upset without the pressure of explaining. But, like anyone else's, my life has to move on too. I guess sometimes I just have to be distant from the people and form the life that I love so much, but I'm sure that's not gonna be forever. I am trusting, deep in my heart, that I'm gonna meet my Dumaguete friends again. I don't care if it's gonna be as early as next year or as later when we are all already 30 to 40-ish. I don't know. Coz of all the love in the world, the love we have for each other is a sure thing.

Goodluck to me

The escape is finally processing. Until when will it last? I dunno. And what will be brought upon by this? The more I dunno. But whatever it may be, I'm hoping and wishing for the best. Pretty tired, u know ;p... I'm using my heart to take care of those people I love and my brain to protect myself.

argh

TANG INA KA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colorgenics

Name: bea
Date: 12/3/2008
Colorgenics Number: 13742650

---

You have always been on the move seeking affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Your ultimate goal has been the realisation of an intimate union in which there could be love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust. It has often been said that 'True love is just around the corner' and - if you haven't found it as yet - you possibly soon will.

Your situation is such that at this time it is essential that you resolve your inherent problems immediately. You are not listening nor taking heed from your many friends and advisers, all of which believe it or not, 'wish you well'. Most of your colleagues feel that your attitude is out of context - an attitude of recklessness and desperation. It is imperative that some solution be found, but whatever you do, think before you act.

All the problems that you have been experiencing of late seem to have become a part of your life and there is little that can be done to change the situation. Your emotions run high - but even though you feel as if at times you are about to burst this situation will pass. Try to release your pent-up emotions by participating in some extra physical activities like running, swimming, whatever. There must be some favourite pastime, not necessarily strenuous, that can help you to relax.

You are on tenterhooks and appear to be extremely nervous and upset. You are bored and you feel that life has far more to offer than this present day mundane existence. The way that you feel indicates that you have the need for a responsive and understanding relationship. You are prepared to follow up any opportunity which may present itself. However you are very choosy and you refuse to be swept off your feet unless integrity can proved to be 100% genuine. Therefore you are holding back, keeping your emotions in check because before you let down your guard you have to be sure. You are too trusting and you have no desire to be hurt again. You are responsive to conditions around you - but forever under control.

You have so many ideas that you would like to revitalise but you need to realise a stable and peaceful condition to do so. Once you can free yourself from all the aggravation and tension around you, you will make strides that may amaze you. You will not be prevented from achieving all the things you so desire.

http://www.goldinuniverse.com

Revelation

1:45 am and he just left the house. I made him blueberry cheesecake, gave him the miniature motorcycle I found at the mall and we watched a movie together. While he was still so engrossed with the movie, I borrowed his phone and he gave it to me. My alibi was that I wanted to listen to the new songs he downloaded, but the truth was, I wanted to check his message inbox and so I did. Majority of his inbox are my messages. I don't think that was something to be happy about coz I sense that maybe he isn't just the type who would clear his inbox every so often (he has more than 500 SMS in his inbox and more than 300 in his sent). In his inbox are also messages from a girl named Kai. And since I began to be more curious, I read his sent items too. I felt my legs weakened and my heart crumpled as I read in his sent items about his text to the girl saying that he has fallen for the girl. I tried so hard to compose myself and pretend that I was okay. I cannot freak out, I do not have the right to because I am not his girlfriend. As a matter of fact, I don't know what I am to him. I read the girl's text too and she said that she just sees him as a friend. But even though finding out that the girl does not feel the same, still, it did not comfort me. Not knowing what he feels for me that I can handle, but finding out that he feels for another what I feel for him is just something I could not bear. All the time that I thought he was busy doing over time at work, he was dating the girl. He just met the girl last November 24, 2008 and he already felt that. Now I know where I stand in his life, if that's of any consolation to me. Countless of times I told him that I should distant myself from him, but I never did simply because my heart can't. But, this time, I think I should just really go. And I shouldn't tell him anymore, I should just do it. I need to escape from this while I still can. I should stop putting myself to this trap. After he left, I've been wanting to cry, but I just felt so numb that I don't even know which emotion should I cater first. Every after any heart break, I tell myself that I should find someone who loves me more than I love him, but I always fail to stick to my words. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another struggle for me to get over him and spare myself from further pains. I knew it. Every day with him is day one. I should stop this. It is only me who can protect myself.

Now I have proven that if a guy has lesser time for you, 99.9% is that he has someone else.

blisters

It's just like keeping safe the dark chocolate that you love best and finding out one day that your older brother ate it. No matter how much your mom buys you the same chocolate again, the excitement isn't just the same anymore. The disappointment of not finding the thing that you most looked forward to will always remain. Your brother is forgiven, of course. But, with a promise that you will never keep anything so special to you anymore and that you will never, ever have another favorite ever again.

to the air beneath my wings

I am moving few steps backward for awhile, and I hope you guys are patient enough and love me enough not to hate me. If you really know me, you should already know and understand that I am not good with sharing whatever emotions I have, I'm more used to dealing with my shit alone. I am taking few moments alone to think things over and this time I want to decide on what I THINK is best and not just merely on whatever I'm feeling or whatever you guys think and feel I should do. I am not taking you for granted, as a natter of fact, I love you guys so much that I want to save my values before abandonment, anger, confusion and pain takes over it. This shouldn' t take me so long and trust in me that I will not go that far.

Another War

Another cold war.

The captive is desperate, desperate to struggle away from the cold captivity that has trapped her inner strength into a coil of emotions that has been strongly manipulated by another person's desire, by another person's law.

Being in a world where she does not have control of was her choice. A choice she thought she could handle, a choice she thought would someday bring triumph. She fought hard for that little space left for her, doing every thing a woman can possibly do just to survive what was supposed to be a man's fight. Every now and then, she shed some tears but the want was so much stronger than the need to just give up.

Until, there was so much little left of her. Moving two steps backward from the war and for the first time saw the whole picture - she was alone. She ran from the left corner of the room and to her surprise, crashed glasses encountered her. Blood starting to drip from her arm, but she did not mind. Angry and exhausted, she went down to her knees and screamed her heart out for the first time. The world she has been fighting for all these times is just of nothing special, only a world surrounded by broken glass mirrors.

what date is it today?

It's always day one. No calendar for me, I guess.

Superwoman

2 red apples, a syrup of vanilla, a litter of water, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, a scatter of paper ashes and a minute chanting..

Why can't an invisibility potion be made that easy? Or maybe a sudden hit by something hard on the head could trigger such power or a an accidental rubbing of a magical lamp, who knows.

I wonder how it feels to be invisible even just for a day. You know, being able to hear people's secrets and being able to watch over someone without getting caught. Or if not an invisibility potion, I think having the power to control time would be great too.

I believe that there is someone up there who is great and immortal, but sometimes when my brain has all the time to wander, a lot of thoughts get entertained by my head. What if there is something beyond that is way greater, that there is something about human being and life that is still yet to be discovered. What if everything is just a force of nature.

On times that I do not have control of everything, i just can't help but to ponder if there is one thing that should be done or a button to be pressed just to make things a lot easier.

Wish List

SANTA CAN'T KNOW THIS BLOG EXIST OR ELSE I'LL HAVE AN EVEN LESSER CHANCE OF GETTING MY CHIRSTMAS WISH LIST:

1. 15-inch MacBook Pro
2. ipod shuffle
3. nokia express music
4. red Alfa Romeo
5. perfect black dress
6. all expense paid trip to Dumaguete
7. cheesecake
8. a pet turtle
9. an island in Maldives
10. an hour call from Carra (yes, 1 hour jud. haha)
11. a dvd copy of one true love (haha,shoot me)
12. a romantic and sincere relationship (kani shoot me na jud! haha)
13. a dream with daddy in it
14. be with kuya Ron, John and Jairah
15. an unlimited credit card charged to anyone else but me and my family
16. an Art of war book
17. a complete Sidney Sheldon collection
18. a book on event organizing
19. to be in Oprah's "favorite 10 things" episode
20. the perfect diary

and.... WORLD PEACE =p

hehe... wish list ra gud. tanawon n2 unsay matuman diha. hehe =)

Good Night World!

It's funny how sleep can be an alternative form of escape, well at least for awhile or at least when you don't dream about the main reason why you just don't wanna stay awake. I don't know the exact scientific or superstitious explanation, but it's surprising and quite close to irritating when you dream about that one thing that you are scared of or that specific moment that you are running away from. The fears and uncertainties continue to haunt you as if you have done wrong to their gods or goddesses. However, the most ironic part is, even if when you've dreamed about it, still you are half happy that you did. Maybe this is what they call as masochism, wanting more what hurts the most. And just to give yourself a little favor and a little more reason to inhale and exhale, you try to convince yourself that it's you who is unreasonable and that you are just over analyzing a problem that is just self-inflicted after all, besides you are the ultimate warrior when it comes to battling your heart against you mind. There are no perfect words to explain what you are feeling, except that it feels like you are having a major cardiac arrest when in fact, your doctor just examined that your heart is in perfect condition - You know you should've asked for a second, third or forth opinion, who cares? Eventually, you get tired of fighting the inevitable and just willingly submit yourself to sleep hoping that tonights dream would at least be on your side.

Divine Intervention

Each and every one will surely experience the greatest enlightenment of their lives, and I had just mine on a cold, gloomy Saturday afternoon.


Tanya: Bei, I just broke up with guy A and guy B hasn't texted since he dropped me off at work. I've been crying like a baby. When something happy happens it really is happy... happy. but when something is sad, it really is super sad.. sad naman.

Bea: Tan, can you give me like 3 mins. to compose myself? I just woke up. I don't wanna suggest suicide when all I really wanted to say was just self hurt.

Tanya: Bitch! okay. I'm counting =)

.......

Tanya: Bei, if you being a friend is innate, I wouldn't have to wait for 3 mins.

Bea: haha! uhm, Tan, bka this is something you should've done before pa. And besides, you're happy with guy B. You deserve someone like guy B. And what's the diff? How many times have we risked with a complicated guy? What is it to risk something for that "perfect" guy for a change?

Tanya: What if guy B isn't that really serious after all?

Bea: Oh well, Hello Blue Margarita for us then!!! Just be happy what is happening now and whatever happens tomorrow, is something we will think about tomorrow.

Tanya: Haha! Mai Thai nalang at Jickongs! Thanks Bei. Finally, a solid advice from a friend. It's kinda stressing having to ask from stupid girl and from our tomboy friend. haha

Bea: And what made you think that asking about love and sex to a virgin religious girl and to a we're-not-sure-if-virgin tomboy friend is such a good idea?! LOL. Oh, we love them both!

Tanya: Uhm Woman! Because you woke up so fucking late! Where have you been last night ba?!

(After 30 minutes)

Bea: Tan, Do you know the feeling of an occasional lover? so occasional happiness din?

Tanya: Bea! You are talking to a woman who has been with 20 fucking a*holes!

Bea: Worth it kaya...

Tanya: Why won't he commit ba?

Bea: I dunno. Do I wanna commit? urgh. Take things slow daw, & I stopped asking narin coz I don't wanna be a pushover.

Tanya: How long have you been dating **** ba?

Bea: Almost 3 mos...

Tanya: 3 months palang naman! Thats ok... Just keep playing UNLESS a better game comes along :p i swear we have invisible balls!

Bea: hahaha!!! Thanks Tan! I'm keeping this text in my inbox.

Tanya: haha! Mai Thai?

Bea: No. Blue Margarita =D 8pm.

Tanya: ok. same place. later!

falter moments

Occasional lover, lover friend, occasional happiness. Is it all worth it? How does one know if one thing is worth risking and if it is already worth stopping?

He is like my addiction, my kryptonite. He makes me both happy and sad, but being without him is just like doing my every day routine just for the heck of it. There are times when I just wanna let go, but at the end of the day, finds myself too weak to do it. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that life and love is really like this, that it is a cycle of happiness and sadness. Sometimes I'm beginning to think that not every one is lucky enough to find that one right person to love, and sometimes I'm beginning to think that I am one of those people.

Should I just settle to this kind of happiness? is really living one day at a time the right thing to do? I am scared, very scared. If only I know what's in his heart, what's in his mind. But then again, if i do, what if it's something I really shouldn't just know about?

This heart of mine needs some seminar, or a Love 101 class if there's such a thing. I wish I was just this cold-hearted person, who can switch all emotions any time I want to. I know he is just there and I also know that he can leave any time he wants to and I can't do anything about it. Are men really more of a good actors than women?

issues

I have abandonment issues.

When in a relationship, I used to believe that I should really show how much I truly care and love a person. I used to believe that every thing should be in order, and that there should be "security" as for the both of us to know where we stand in each others lives. Until, broken promises were made and it also broke every thing of me. When my relationships end, I always end up being so hurt that sometimes I wished that easing the pain was as easy as vomiting. I jumped from one relationship to another, hoping that by not wasting time, I might be able to find that one perfect love - I became so much impatient on love.

I was a love bug. I used to dream about happily-ever-afters, and believed on love letters and theme songs. Until, I grew tired of it. However, I'm not saying that I gave up on love coz I did not and I don't think I'd ever will.

I decided to give myself a break from my love searching and just allowed love to find me instead. And after a year of being single, I am inlove again but not in a relationship. We do the things people in a relationship do, but we never talked anything about being in a relationship together. It really is complicated. So complicated that it sometimes crossed my mind to just distant myself away from him and spare myself from pain. But, as I think about it and imagine us being together, I know I myself is not yet ready.

It's just weird how something this complicated can make me feel this happy and content. Some people may define this as "settling for less," but I see what we have as "taking time." I mean, I have no where else to go, I am already deeply inlove. If pain is the issue, with or without commitment, I'd still going to feel pain. I mean, I learned to accept that love and pain is a combo and that is why there is a cliche that says: "Love is a risk."

I'm starting to feel that having no commitment reminds me from not expecting anything, thus sparing myself from disappointments. And because there are no expectations, even the littlest things from him becomes beautiful surprises.

Last night, I was in a taxi on my way home when I realized that the difference between what I have with him and what i had with my other relationships is that with him, I am not blinded with the fact that I can get hurt. I know this will soon hurt and its gonna cost me more blogging, more winston lights and more blue margarita pitchers. But, im hoping that it's not gonna be as breaking (though I'm sure when this comes I'd still wanna vomit). Besides, what promises are there to break when there weren't any promises made to start with?

I have come to accept that you can't always expect for people you love to be there forever. So now, I have outgrown my abandonment issues. I have now what they call comittment issues.


And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

You Are My Beautiful Surprise

You are my susceptibility, my strength, my morning coffee and my midnight cigarette
The feeling is a mixture of excitement, danger and nervousness with surprising bliss moments on top
Every word that comes out from your mouth I long to listen to
and every stolen glance and smile you give me gives butterflies in my stomach

It was not the perfect night I used to imagine while reading one of my favorite romantic novels. There were no birds humming, no roses to make me swoon over you even more, and no lying on the sand while gazing at the stage of stars above. But, it was still one of the most beautiful nights of my entire life. You made it seemed like nothing else mattered that time except you and I.

I thought princesses are only those who wear crowns above their heads with stunning dresses to compliment their blue eyes, until you made me feel that I was a princess on a Thursday night.

I think I have just cornered myself in deep vexation. So deep that I don't even mind being buried alive.

Salamat

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

Secrets of an Occasional Lover

WOULD I RATHER BE THE GIRL HE SHARES HIS SECRETS WITH? OR THE GIRL HIS SECRETS ARE ABOUT?


I usually doubt his honesty, but I'm not sure either if knowing the whole truth would make things better. He tells me things that he thinks I should know about and shuts me off when he thinks I'm crossing the line. It took two fucking cold treatments from him before I finally realized that I am not his brat. Two fucking cold treatments from him before it fully got into me that showing too much emotions I have for him would just push him away instead of keeping us together. I finally learned to let him know that I love him, but still gives him this occasional chance to ponder if I really do. Perhaps I call that my personal art of war on Love - the chasing and the reading of the mind. It's true that the feeling of security is important, but once you treat it as if it's a freebie, you just killed the mystery that keeps the fire burning.

And besides, what does an occasional lover got to complain?



I'm still sticking to being that girl his secrets are about.

He Said... She Said...

He worries when you're out all night and follows-up if you have gone home safely. He texts you every now and then just to remind you to take your meal and you do the same thing. He does you favors you know he wouldn't just do to any one else. He questions those times when you don't reply to his texts right away. And most of all, both of you have sex every so often.

He tells you you are special and that both of you should just enjoy each other, while you just smile and agree when deep inside you know you want more than that, you know you want assurance. So yeah, he is not your boyfriend and you are not his girlfriend. Exclusively dating? not even.

Your friends ask you what the real score is, and when you have just started saying special frie... your friends just finished the word "bullshit" in chorus. Of course you won't care anyway coz you know you really are "special friends" (bullshit). Him bringing you McDonalds, chocolates and planning what gift to give you on Christmas are just few of th things that can support it.

For awhile, you are this strong woman who like him is just enjoying each other. Until, the inevitable happens, you became emotional and it complicated things - er, according to him at least. You broke down and confessed your love to him, he threw the ball back at you by saying that it was your fault. Desperate of wanting to see him after the "fight," you flood him with texts, while he simply just ignores. And when you already become "too" irritating, he finally texts you telling you that you are unreasonable and that you are not his girlfriend.

It hits you big time. Yeah, you know that from the very start, but it's different when you really hear it from another person, especially when it comes from the last person you want to hear it from. So, trying to protect the littlest sense of pride left for your being, you struggle to distance yourself from him. There are moments when you just had to text him once or twice a day, until you finally found a way not to totally text him at all. And when you finally become numb of not having him, not texting or calling him for a week, you recieve a message from him saying he misses you. After some desperate attempts to ignore him, you reply the expected - I missed you too.

Secretly you are happy that he finally texted and as not to spoil the moment, you agree that it was just your fault. And then you go back to being "special friends."

Mama2x paano ako ginawa?

Anak: mama, ano po ba ang sex?

Mama: Naku anak! saan mo ba narinig yan? Inday! Inday! Ano ba itong ipinapanood ninyo sa TV, huh?! diba sabi ko sayo cartoon network lang! Inday! Nakikinig ka ba?!

Anak: eh, ano nga po ang sex mama?

Mama: Haay naku anak! late na ako sa trabaho at huwag mo nang iisipin yan ha? masama yan! (sabay alis papuntang opisina...)


Anak: YAYA, ano nga po ba ang sex?

Inday: ay hijo, ang sex kung sa bisaya ay................ blah... blah...


(gud luck!)

Naranasan mo na bang?

Naranasan mo na bang.....


mainip sa kakahintay ng iyong autoload o e-load?

magising ng alas otso para sa klase mong alas siyete?

maubusan ng pera isang araw bago ang inyong beach outing?

magdala ng gatorade at matanong ng "painom?"

mangapa sa dilim at biglang maisip na, "pucha! may ilaw nga pala kami!"?

malabasan ng tubig sa ilong nang dahil sa kakatawa?

maipit ng panty mo ang palda mo sa likod?

umorder ng kadami-dami at magsisi sa huli?

bumili ng peke at magsisi?

umorder ng large fries, double burger at DIET coke?

tumawa ng malakas sa library?

mahilo sa MRT?

makalimutang ang iyong pitaka kasama nang inyong deyt?

bumasa ng librong makapal at walang maintindihan?

bumasa ng librong 20 pages at wala paring maintindihan?

matahimik sa harap ng isang dayuhan?

magsisi at bakit hindi mo sineryoso ang iyong Spanish class?

magdala ng kodigo sa mahaba niyong exam?

magsinungaling at mahuli?

at higit sa lahat......

naranasan mo na bang magtanong kahit na alam mo na ang sagot?

after years and years...

As much as I try myself from not over doing the excitements of the newly graduates, I can't help but scribble a little bit. Life certainly has its wonders. Yesterday you were still cramming for your long major exam, and before you knew it, you are already standing, taking oath and shifting your tassel to the left corner of your cap. What's next? you should ask. Now I know why school is sometimes better, and safer if I may say. When you were still in the four corners of your alma mater, at least you'd know what to do tomorrow - wake up early, eat breakfast, go to school. But, when all of those have come to an end, you suddenly realize that for the first time in your life, you do not know what to do next. You suddenly fear the imagery of being poor. because true enough, your choices today will either make your or break you. Welcome to the real world! as how most of the professionals would say. I wonder what my first job would be like, and I wonder how would my first salary pay would feel. I want to do millions of things, if only all of those are possible and necessary. Sometimes, I would still wish that I'd be in school tomorrow. Sometimes, I wish I still have an exam to pass. But, being in college forever wasn't my eternal plan. Damn i don't wanna be a bum. Hopefully, a month or two of soul searching will do the job.

Letter

A letter from a daughter to the person who makes her weak and strong all at the same time, to the person who makes her nervous, to the person whom she thinks of everyday, and to the person who she calls mom.


I know you've been through hell and all that shit. I know it wasn't easy, i mean c'mon, I'd be dead crazy if I was in your position. EverytimeI think of you I feel anxious, anxious because I know that in every action that I do, the reaction is double to you. But, sometimes, I wish that you'd understand that everytime I try to be strong for you, I am slowly getting weak for myself. Being your shock absorber is fine with me, but do you really wanna make it as a habit? I seriously wanna be there for you, all the time mom. But, I am scared that being closer to you might just lead me into hating you, and I don't like that. What you just don't know is that I have beautiful plans for my life mom, but it would mean being away from you that is why I am changing those a little bit. I want you to know that no matter how scared I am today, I am still gonna be there for you today, tomorrow and the tomorrows after. I love you mom and all I want is for you to do me a little favor? make me your shock absorber, but leave a little space for comfort please.

Fuck you - literally!!!

Thin cushion laying on the wooden floor, lights off, tears falling, me begging.

Not again, oh no, not again

sitting up face-to-face, you try to make me understand

but my brain isn't just processing and my heart saying that this pain i can't stand

Laying my hands against yours and yours against mine

Oh God don't think that I don't know it's unfair

I know my needs and wants when I'm with you is insatiable

While you doing this over and over again isn't something unbelievable

If fighting for this again is a battle we can never win

then, I might as well exposed all my feelings inside

So I'm laying you down and my lips is with you

For I know that tomorrow would be easier if I could say that at least I fucked you

Hayskul nostalgia

The people you fell inlove with when you were still a teen will change, but just in a way that will make you love them even more.
Friendship isn't just being sweet and funny, but its about being there to laugh both about the jokes and insults, and finding sweetness even in the sourest amount of bill that everyone has to pay. hehe >3

driving back and forth

When your past starts to hunt you and you begin to re-discover, you realized that rediscovering wasn't such a good idea at all. You scan the letters, the pictures and then the memories and find yourself crying to sleep once more.

He was my love, my true love and it scares me that what if, just what if, true love really only happens once in a lifetime and my chance had already passed by - if only it did not came sooner. I know I don't have the right to get hurt anymore. He is already happy with his own life, with someone else, while here I am, still broken. Being more and more broken.