For the strongest hearts

When hurt, the first thing that the heart wants is to escape. And I've noticed that a lot of the most successful travelers are the most hurt ones. I believe that the broken heart stays in one place only because they have to, only because they have no choice. However, once given all the control that they've been wanting so badly especially when alone, the broken heart will for sure choose to fly and just be free. Or better yet, just simply be 'unbroken.'

Cowardice, they say? "they" do not have a single idea on what they are talking about. How can a heart that has been broken a lot of times be a coward? the fact that the heart has been broken a lot of times should mean that that heart has given a lot of chances on giving, isn't it? Who is the real coward? The heart who has been hurt a lot and just wants to escape for once? or the heart who has been hurt once and has ever since chose to be alone?

The heart who choose to travel and is successful in doing so and the heart who wants to travel and just can't do it yet know that pain definitely is stronger when it's near. It's even more painful when you know it's there and even how much you want to fight and struggle, there is just nothing else you can do it to reverse it. It's painful when you've finally reached your destination, but it's too late. Fate or death has already taken its toll.

The heart who struggles to escape are the strongest for they are the most quiet ones when hurt. The strongest heart listens to other hearts vent. The strongest heart acts the strongest for the sake of the other hearts that matters to them. Every heart knows the strongest heart is the strongest. However, when it's the strongest heart's time to reach its hand, every heart thinks its okay to hold on reaching out. Besides, isn't that heart the strongest?

well, hello there!

Okay.. I checked my last entry and I can't believe I haven't entered a single blog here for almost 7 months - well, entered a few in Friendster, but still! No wonder a lot has happened in my life, it has been once again almost 7 effin' months! Wow!!!

First of all, I have already been in California for almost 6 months now and still, I am in my adjustment process. I don't know how long I'll be staying here or when I can get to visit the Philippines, at least - though I'm hoping it would be sometime soon. sigh.

6 months in California and my life has changed full 360 degrees! First of all, I've met my fiance Erik and to cut the long story short, we're getting married in Las Vegas next week, and to cut the story even shorter, I am almost 4 months pregnant! Shocked,huh? LOL. I'm not getting married coz I got pregnant, by the way. The idea of getting married came before we found out I'm pregnant.

Then, a lot of broken relationships. I am not in good terms with my brother and his wife and details I don't wanna discuss anymore. And, honestly, I think this is for the best. I have so much sentiments that I don't wanna discuss with them anymore, coz I know for sure that stuborn people are never open for this kinds as they are so stubborn we'll just be in a neverending battle on who is right and who is not. Then, my bestfriend Carra. I feel like she abandoned me, period. I don't know what she feels, but this time, I wanna focus more on what I feel. At least for once, you know?

I'm going through a lot of phases right now. I'm anxious, frustrated and scared. It seems like lately, it is so hard for me to remind myself of the faith that I started with. Or, maybe this is just a challenge for my faith to begin with? sigh. Plus, I feel like I'm mourning for the first time. If daddy was here, he'd know what to do for sure.

My Angel as I Sleep, Keeping me Warm and Safe

Gently kiss me good night

And once more hold me so tight

Whisper to me everything will be fine

For the night is yours and mine

Always and Forever, You will be my knight and shining armor as I am your devoted princess hiding in a cover of a daddy’s girl. I miss you,dad.

Episode

Affront her with anything about life and she will face it all with audacity. Always she has succeeded, but never with this one. No matter how much space she builds in between, still, the memory just keeps on haunting. She is even about to forget the face already, but the feeling? still so lucid, still so keen. It has beginning to occur like an episode; the constant flashing of every segment, which she strongly hopes with eyes closed that she will never see again. But, life perhaps has its own playing - the reruns of this never ending pandemonium. They think she is ok. She is but she isn’t better and that is all what she ever longed for. She’s tired of smiling just ‘coz she has to, tired of perceiving things merely out of convenience, and she’s tired of delaying this already overdue healing. And, so, for the nth time… she’s standing up and this time, its gonna be stronger. This time, it’s gonna be way farther from the culprit.

What's the national flower of the Philippines?

Together we make a very good pair, and today, you made me very excited and happy.

Picked me up at my friend’s house, and since I’ve been craving for isaw since yesterday, we went to the kalye barbecue along Roxas and all you did was stare at me while I enjoyed my isaw - this is another thing I like about you, you are always up for anything as long as it makes me happy. Whether it’s as posh as Eagles Bar or as simple as that isawan in the corner, you don’t care because for you, nothing is too much nor too less for my happiness and I thank you. I thank you not because of the tangible things you offer or can offer, but because of the simple thoughtfulness that came before and after that material thing.

I know you were very tired and your head was aching terribly, but still, you accompanied me as I supported my friend’s surprise for her boyfriend. My friend wanted to welcome her boyfriend’s birthday at exactly 12 a.m. and it was really funny ‘coz you sped while my friends were waiting for us at the kanto where we didn’t even really know where it was in the first place! You we’re so tired, but you never complained. Instead, you gamed and together with my friends, you laughed and enjoyed every moment of it. Thank you not because you drove me there, but because you made me feel that you value the people who are special to me, and even without me telling you, I hope you see that I smile every time you exchange laughters with my friends.

Before you dropped me home, you thanked me. And now that I’m about to sleep, I wonder what was there to thank me about. And as I ponder, I can’t help but thank you again. Not because you utter words I want to hear, but because you consider even my simple actions as something worth thanking for. So, again, thank you.

Why the title? Well, it’s for me and you to know… Only me and you… hehe

=)

of teleseryes and afternoon shows

“Nakikiusap ka hanggang sa may laban pa. Pero pag wala na talagang ilalaban, eh di cge okay. At least lumaban ka,” was a line that struck me while watching The Buzz on ABS-CBN yesterday.

Truly, you fight for that one person you are madly in love with. You fight for him ‘coz you believe there is still something worth fighting for, you fight for him ‘coz you believe he is worth the battle, and you fight for him even if it hurts and continue fighting for him even if your heart is begging “enough.”

However, in every battle, you still always have to save your self, for a warrior won’t become much of a warrior if she doesn’t know how to protect herself first. Quoting one of the lines in the teleserye Tayong Dalawa:“I’d rather have a breathing coward, than a dead hero.”

Time will come that you’ll feel you have already exhausted yourself TOO much and voluntarily, yourself will just retire from the never-ending limbo. And this doesn’t mean you already love him less or the way you feel for him has changed, it’s just that Finally, you have come to regain the courage and wisdom to tell yourself that it is time to regain your self worth back and that beautiful smile on your face that was once taken away by the hurt that he has caused. It’s gonna be a heavier battle at first (the living life the way you deserve and the sleeping and waking up without his thoughts), but once you open your eyes and see that there is a new love that is more than willing enough to make you happy, then life for you my dear will be much blissful, especially since you have once again proven to yourself that you are capable of loving that much and being loved this much.

While I was counting sheep

I bully you all the time, but do you know I would face and fight the world just to defend you?

Sometimes, when I think of all the unconditional things that you have done for me, I wonder what on earth could I have possibly done right to deserve all of those. You willingly accompanied me in my place when I got paranoid with all the muggers running loose in Dumz, you were my handy man when I was helpless with my roof and annoyed with my broken sink, you were always the first one to rescue me in times of my asthma attacks, you supported me when I threw a dirty finger on that lame carenderia, you saved up money just so you could buy me that transparent soda in Daro, you transform into Superman every time there was ipis, you buy me my favorite brownie when I’m in a foul mood, you present your allowance when I’m broke, you always lower your pride even though It was really my fault to begin with, and most of all, you were the one who walked with me under the rain when I was at the most down moment of my life. You accept and love me for who I am, and even if I get really bratty and spoiled at times, you never left my side. You tell me honest things that no one could dare tell me, and most of all, you listen to my never ending problems no matter how huge or petty they may be.

Just awhile ago, I was out with some of my guy friends. We parked our car in an empty grocery store parking lot, played some house music, and brought out the beer and junk food we bought from the convenience store nearby. One of my guy friends whom I’ve known since high school offered me beer and oishi; I told him I was allergic to beer and spicy food, and instead of just offering me something else, he asked me to scientifically defend my excuse. Three to four hours after and it was time for us to go home. In the car on our way home, we were cracking up jokes and I uttered the inevitable “loser” - I had to give a 1 minute explanation that “loser” was meant to be a joke and of nothing personal.

We might not have known each other since elementary, but it amazes me that there’s no need to explain myself to you anymore. Simply because you always believe me, and you always understand. I know I am not the bestest person that i should be to you, but I hope deep inside you know how much I treasure and value you as a person. Every time someone hurts you, God knows how much I want to hurt them back - physically and psychologically, haha! And I admit, I wanna smack you myself every time you always let these people hurt you over and over again. But, at the end of the day, I realize that this is actually the magic in you: You ALWAYS consider other people’s thoughts and feelings before yours.

I am sorry for those times that I should have been there, but wasn’t. I am sorry for those times when I should have said the right words, but chose to say the opposite. I am sorry for those times when I picked a fight with you just because I was bored. And, I am sorry for those other moments when I had unknowingly hurt you but you already forgave me even before I figured it out.

Thank you for being there for me all the time. Thank you for offering me a brotherhood that is thicker than water, even thicker than blood. Thank you because of all the thousand people in Dumz, you chose me to be one of your best friends.

I might not have told you this before, but I am very proud of you. As a matter of fact, you are always in every story that I tell (libaks or praises.haha).

Distance has already caused some friendship to fade. However, I am secure that this wouldn’t be the same story for us. ZW, by the time we get 50, I’ll still be steaming hot and you’ll already be groggy and suffering from memory gap, but you and I will still be laughing over coffee and nachochinos.

I missed you. You are my male counterpart =)

ENOUGH

Enough I say, Enough.
The field I'm in isn't giving me the justice that I deserve anymore.
How can allow him to make me feel this way about myself?
I always tell my friends that you only allow a person to hurt you if you give them the consent to do so, and here I am once again failing to do what I preach.
Enough of this never ending self hurt. From now on, I shall stop looking at your account,
and from now on, I shall stop comparing myself with her.
After this blog I'm sure it will still hurt, but it is me to blame why I am still not coping.
I need to stand up for myself. I can not center my life on you anymore.
It has hurt me badly, still hurting me deeply and I this I should not tolerate anymore.
I am so tired, my love. I have done my part. I don't expect you to do yours anymore.
Enough I say, Enough.

Bad news

Today, I received a very bad news.

I was told that a friend of ours was kidnapped 6 p.m. yesterday in front of MTS. He went back for his lost wallet at MTS and while walking, a van stopped before him fronting to be a public transportation. And, since there was a transportation strike here in Davao and it was so hard to get a ride anywhere, he decided to get in. While in the van, our friend was still sending texts with his girlfriend complaining how packed the van was and after awhile of not replying, he managed to send his cousin a text that says "VANKIDNAPHELP." 6 hours have passed and there is still no information regarding his whereabouts.

I can't stop thinking about our friend the whole night, worried of his safety and worried of every one else's. If it happened to him, meaning it could happen to me and to any of my loved ones too. It is scary how unsafe this world has become. These criminals certainly won't spare anyone from their inhumanness.

My friend's family is now dealing with the authority, while we are left with nothing else to do but pray and hope for the better. I pray that these criminals would just take all of his material things away, and just let him be SAFELY.

The reason of me blogging this is not just to merely inform people what happened, but to remind people to not easily trust strangers and to be very careful. Whether it's as primitive as a certain province or as metropolitan as Davao City, still every one should be extra sensitive about his surroundings. It happened as early as 6 p.m., so I can't say that it was a time factor. It just shows that regardless what time of the day it is, still, mean people will do mean things. The only thing left for us is to be aware that these things could happen and so it pays to be alert all the time.

Please pray with us for the safety of all involved.

AIKEN

My friend sent me a text before boarding the plane to Bangkok, Thailand. Of course, I replied the usual “have a safe trip and Keep in touch!”, but what I really wanted to ask him was “How does it feel to be leaving Pinas for awhile?” However, I didn’t mind doing it anymore as to I might just spoil his vacation (I don’t want to remind him over and over again that he’ll be leaving his special someone behind for awhile). And somehow, it made me thinking about my leaving for the states. But boo-hoo!!! This blog ain’t about myself, so I won’t discuss some details, yet.. hehe =p

Anyhu… Aiken, I know you are leaving with a heavy heart ‘coz tooot is left here,but more to that, you should also be excited for Thailand. Gawd!!! Did you even know that Thailand is one of the places that I’ve always dreamed to visit?! whew! Lucky you dude! Thailand’s culture is just so overwhelming!!! =D okay, now I am officially envious. hehe..

One day, I’ll go to Lumpini park to just relax amid the palm trees, bring my journal and pen with me and just write the whole day away! I’m sure there would be so much things to write about while being surrounded by greens and hearing the sound of water with the Chinese Pavilion and Clock Tower insight. Next, I wanna watch the sunset at Wat Arun, enjoy the entertainment at Grand Palace and Wat Phra Kaew, stay overnight at The Oriental Bangkok, get a very good massage at Ananda Spa, dance a sexy and sultry salsa evening at Fogo Vivo, and to top it all, I wanna nose around DJ Station in behalf of all my loving gay friends - haha!

But, day dreaming aside… I’m gonna miss you ken. Oh no! I’m gonna take that back, coz it won’t just be me,but WE. OA noh? as if unsa ka kdugay sa Thailand? haha! Take care ken and this is sincere - not just part of the usual lines for someone who is in the plane right this very moment. And most of all dude, HAVE FUN, alright?!?! and oh yeah!!! don’t forget to update us with your blogs! love you =)

P.S.

It was really sweet of you to tell us to remind tooot to wait for you, and surely we will. =)

Boredom Noted

Aguy!!! I am so bored. (sigh)... and to think I was out just last night. Nitz treated me for coffee at Karl's pero I went home agad coz Nitz wanted to get a massage, and I recommended Shiatsu fronting Shell Bajada, and buti naman he liked it. I have things to do here at home naman, like do my online stuff and clear my closet. I want to try all my clothes on and experiment, kaso lang I'm still kinda lazy to do it. whew, boredom noted!

ooh... Tama diay! I have good news. Yesterday and today I woke up with a light heart =) yep! He wasn't my first thought. Uhm, second thought lang pero improvement na uy! hehe. and it has been more than a week since I'm taking C-lium, which is super an accomplishment kay wala gyud siya lami! haha.. but good for the health man daw, so cge tiis. Health conscious na ko dapat while I'm still young. Not just to lose weight but syempre to protect myself from sakit - CHAAARRRMUUUSSS! hehe..


whew... mga friends where art thou? looking forward nalang ko for this saturday coz we're going to mumay's house daw for a pink party. hopefully madayon.. haha.. cge na ui, i'll blog in my fs blog. super boredom noted. =)

he said. she said.

he said. she said.

March 14, 1009

Kissing a Fool

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart

People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart

People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you'll ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

Trust in the lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding

When dad went home, I bought this journal. For me, this was the only tangible thing I could think of to still feel close to him. Every day, I would talk to him through this until I actually had a dream of dad complaining! (yeah, my dad can be humorous. hehe).

Just last night, while I was looking at some of my old stuffs, I came across my journal and just had the urge to open it again. I started reading my notes and it really felt good. Uhm, yeah it made me miss dad even more, but something better came about - my journal always reminds me how powerful prayers can be.

Speaking of prayers, I just wanted to share some of my top 3 answered prayers:

1. Teach me to be patient = He made me wait for more than a year, and I am still waiting, and will continue to make me wait until I finally learn to be patient.

2. If someone came along and he's not the one God wants for me, then better not having him at all = I really never had him again.

3. If He wants me to stay in Pinas, then I'd be able to stay in my job longer. But, if it's His plan that I'd go to the states, then He'd give me a very good reason to quit = it has been more than 2 weeks since I quit my job.

I did not realize all of these overnight. It caused me countless of sleepless nights,never ending confused moments and a reunion with my journal before I finally absorbed all these. It was a miracle that somehow, while I was writing on my journal again, these thoughts just came my mind. It was like a light-bulb moment. At first I thought that my life was unplanned for the very first time. But, the truth was, my life actually is very much well planned and that every thing is falling into place - not by me this time though, but by Him. It is clear that He and my dad wants me to go to the states: I have the most valid reason to quit my job (details I'm not discussing), and I didn't have him back; and He knows that these two are the reasons that would keep me holding on to Davao. He needed to take these two away from me, as so I could finally push through on what he thinks is best for me. And, He has always been like that to me. He knows how hard-headed I can be - I always go for what I want even though I don't really need it, and that is why since He knows I can't stay away from them, they are instead the ones who stays away from me.

My friends would sometimes ask me how come I don't seem affected by my leaving. Well, I am. The unknown is always scary, and being away from the people that matters to me always gives a heavy feeling. However, the trust I have for my decision-maker and for my guardian angel (daddy) makes it way easier for me to deal with this.

I don't wanna seem preachy. It's just that sometimes, I realized that I have become too blinded on what I just wanna see that I forgot to look at the bigger picture.

hakunna Matata

Hey Friend, Father, Savior, Hey Shield =)

You know I love you, right? Yeah, I know you do. I mean, that was even a stupid question to begin with, 'coz even before me talking, you know it already. You even know everything first even before I even think about it! =D You're just so great. Your love for me is just so unconditional. I always tell you that I don't understand some of your plans, but you give me all the reasons to trust your decisions. Right now, I am in the middle of a crossroad and even though for the first time in my life I do not know if where I'm heading is the right path, OK lang kay nagsabot na ta diba? and knowing you, you always... as in ALWAYS keep your promises. Ako lang man saato naga break ug deal nato, hehe... I'm sorry. Thank you for all of these. I may not be seeing it right now, but I'm CERTAIN... I've got you at my back. I love you God.


THANK YOU

United Amerikan Tiki2x

It was raining so hard... Passed by Obrero street and when I figured it was a motorcycle accident ahead, my heart beating fast. dum.. dum.. dum.. dum.. whew, it's not him. Thank God!


Looked at the front mirror, my friends staring at me. "Ay sus... ambi nimo siya na? siya nalang unta!" one of my friends cussed.

I am one broken record, I know. And as much as you guys want to console me,you just don't wanna listen anymore kay gikapoy na mo ug kalagot saiya ug usahay... saako. Let's put it this way: You already find it so hard just listening about it, how much more feeling it?

true enough.. kapoy gyud biya. pero unsaon ta man.... nag tiki2x man ko sauna so taas2x pa ako tolerance sa pain. Damn Tiki2x!

I need a pill

Blog it.. Blog it.. BLOG IT...


Blogging it... Blogging it... BLOGGING IT...

Press enter, space, delete and then enter....

400 words..... not enough

maybe 500..... still not enough

Trying 2,000..... hands tired, brain drained......

Time to check the heart now.

Shit. Still the same....

naknang nimal putang tanga

Tell me.

Is it wrong to continue loving you? Am I punishing myself for being here for you still? And am I a fool for not totally letting go? The mind can think of letting go from the one you love, but the heart just can not. It's like an addictive drug that keeps running in my thoughts, in my veins. Sometimes, I admit, I look at her, look at myself, look at her again, and wonder what you see in her that you do not see in me anymore. Was I easier to love when we were still 18 than now that we're 23? Every day I keep myself busy, waking up late and spending as much time as I can with my friends. But this is not easy as it's you whom I think of to sleep and the first thought as I wake up. God knows I am not enjoying this, He knows I'm deeply hurting. Doesn't he have the power to just erase this all away? I've been praying that I'd be able to take you off my mind, off my heart but to no avail. Though I'm keeping the faith.. I'm keeping the faith. Because in this war that I'm fighting alone, it's the only strength left for me.

Last night you were here with me. You know we just couldn't fake it, you know you are happy when you are with me, but why so coward my love? Am I not worth the third try? or maybe I am just being selfish for even asking this. I swear, I did not mean to hurt you then. I was 18 and foolish. Can't you see I'm a grown up now? My Love, I am sorry.

For awhile it was smooth sailing. Not having you around, I mean. However, you just keep on coming back. I resisted until the urge to see you again became stronger than my eagerness to resist. When you thought I was already happy with him, you got scared and that I do not understand. You don't want me anymore and You don't want me with someone else either. Where do you want me to be? Stuck in the middle waiting for you? Pathetic 'coz until now, I still don't understand. Until now I still can't lay all the cards before you as I am scared that these might just push you farther. I know I'm crazy for just waiting. Waiting when you'll have a fight with her, waiting when she's busy and doesn't have time for you, and waiting when missing me is just already becomes too much for you to bear. When you told me how much you are missing me, I swear my knees weaken. I can not stop crying the whole day as it's harder knowing that you still want me than knowing that you don't. I am your convenience, your comfort zone, your solace.

I am missing you my Achilles heel. I'd do anything to have another moment with you.

not again.

Until when are you hurting this brave heart? You're still the same. Each time I try to move farther from you, you always get closer. You win. You sure knows how to make this brave soul frail. All of these are just so painful that crying becomes insufficient already. What do you really want from me? Does hurting me brings you solitude? 'coz if it does, then you are indeed the most peaceful person on earth. Someday, I'll be okay. Someday, this heart of mine will find her way to forget you. Someday, someone I deserve would come my way. However, while that day hasn't come yet, I don't think I have enough choice but to just deal with your bull shit.

My Achilles Heel

My susceptibility

Warmth compatibility

My morning coffee, my midnight cigarette

Something about our stare I could not forget

Doubt nothing my Achilles heel

Risking with bliss moments on top

Hoping and praying this won’t stop

This brave heart scared of the unknown

Aren’t you tired of being alone?

Fear nothing my Achilles heel

If one day you’d find yourself scared

Find in your heart the care we’ve shared

Though this mean world could truly scar

I’d keep you safe even from afar

Love and be loved my Achilles heel

If this world becomes too much

Just recount the warmth of our touch

Close your eyes think of you and me

Together we can both set free

Believe in our solace my Achilles heel

The return of the yellow smiley face

The only difference between me and this smiley is the braces =p


Being happy is a decision and I have decided.
It's about time I start breathing Davao more and just appreciating every little thing this place has to offer
yeah, there are so much painful memories here, but there are just more blissful memories that it's so hard to ignore
Funny 'coz more than nervous, I actually feel excited
excited because It's gonna be a new chapter for me
excited coz finally I'll be seeing my brothers after so many years, plus my niece and nephew pa! hehe
Sayang lang Dad isn' there anymore, but okay lang, nagsabot na mi. hehe

Just another manic monday

This would have been easier if I could hear your voice on the other line
My fear would certainly be eased for you'll tell me everything will be fine
I would find my way and won't be lost for you will tell me where to go and I wouldn't doubt
All of these would've been a dream come true if I know you'd be the one I'll first see
This would have been easier for between you and me
Love always overpowers all uncertainties.

Just one night I wish I'd dream of you
For one night I wish I'd be finally feel at home
Your physical warmth may have been absent for a long time
but it doesn't matter because you left me a warmth that lingers a lifetime

I believe you are looking down at me
Trying to pat my shoulder, trying to wipe these tears
I believe you know what I'm feeling even without me explaining
because between you and me
Love always overpowers all pains.

Daddy, I am scared and I know this is the last thing you want me to feel
I am now in a crossroad wherein whichever road I may take, still I know won't lead me to you
Daddy I am sorry, I know you want me to be strong
But how can this brave heart continue fighting, if her warrior left her all alone?

I was a foreigner for 1 minute

Just awhile ago I was at DCLA looking for a USB cable cord. I was hopping from one stall to another but apparently majority of the sales lady their didn't really know what I was talking about, until I spotted one stall manned by a korean lady. Assuming that she was the owner, it gave me a little hope that I'd be able to talk to someone who would actually know what I was talking about - finally. So I went up to her and our conversation went like this:


Me: Excuse me?

Me: Excuse me?

Me: Excuse?

Korean: ha?

Me: Do you have a Usb cable cord?

Korean: huh?!

thinking that maybe I spoke it too fast

Me: Do.... you... have... a.... usb.... cable... cord.....?

Korean: (giving me a cluless look)

Me: (sh*t I don't speak korean)

Me: Do.... you... have... a.... usb.... cable... cord.....?

Korean: uhm? pasensiya hindi ako nakakaintindi ng english, tagalog lang po...

Me: .......................... (nahilom intawon ko.)

Educate me please

A faded sign that says "Praivet" caught my attention while I was on my way to work this morning - I am no good at spelling words and my tongue gets twisted every so often, but for some reasons, misspelled SIMPLE words or "B" pronounced as "V" and the likes always gets my attention.

For a second the sign seemed like a joke, but the truth is, that misspelled private was a writing of reality. Of course, no lawyer or PHD degree holder wrote that sign because obviously, it was written by someone who, let's just say, did not reach the proper level of education. Blame it on empathy, ignorance or poverty still the truth lies that a lot of people are deprived from their right to be educated.

It's sad, indeed. But being just sad about it won't make a difference. Everyday anyone can be an educator. Don't hesitate to share even the simplest thoughts you have to a person, coz without you knowing, you could be the greatest teacher to someone.


Remember, you don't have to be Einstein to do it.

ANG PANGUTANA

ASA KO ADTO?

Worn out sneakers

The first time I stepped my foot on Dumaguete, someone from afar shouted "Madahan!!!" and kalami sa feeling! abot na gyud diay ko!


Aside from the multiple asthma attacks I had ( damn this asthma I wasn't able to do as much as I wanted to!), my trip to Dumaguete felt so BEAUTIFUL! It was as if I finally came home after the longest time - I don't wanna think that my hospital hopping and my ambulance escapade was the highlight of my trip (boo!).

Anyhuuuu.... One of the Million things I love most about my trip was the walking! yep, gimingaw nko ug baktas2x. haha! It felt sooOooo good walking around Dumaguete and Silliman, even the air in Dumz smells different and the trees seems to be greener!



JN knew how much walking amuses me (he enjoys doing the same), so he decided that we walk from Nusa Dua to Agan-an to have breakfast along the beach - we forced ourselves out of the bed at 7 in the morning even though we were out partying until 5 am. A walk from Nusa Dua to Agan-an will take 2 to 3 hours but I never even complained!

I was not told that we would literally have to cross beaches, so along the way, I had to once and awhile take off my sneakers until I finally decided to walk barefoot (JN and Philip had to show me 4 sea urchins before I finally got convinced to just let my shoes get soaked in sea water! hehe) JN was too excited to show me the different beaches that we would be able to pass by, plus he was too proud that we would be crashing the airport's runway! Outsiders are prohibited to enter the runway premises, but he was just too excited and proud that I ignored my doubts. 4 beaches and around 7 sea urchins after, I was officially allowed to take off my sneakers - YEP! THE RUNWAY!!! so it's official! bilib nko kay JN! haha. Philip commented that what if a plane would suddenly fly through us and I immediately made a joke out of his comment that a plane would be one of the most obvious things visible. And just seconds after my joke, a plane flew behind us. It must have been my adrenalin or perhaps my excessive caffeine intake, that I immediately went down on my knees and covered my face! I swear!! I seriously felt the pressure on my nape! I got back to my senses right away and upon looking up saw them of JN and Philip looking down and laughing at me! As usual, I was the victim of my own joke! hehe =p

It was a sunny day but the heat of the ground touching my feet didn't feel destructive at all.
After the runway were another 3 beaches until we felt our tummies complain and looked for a place to have breakfast - we stopped over San Moritz and ordered lechon kawali and sisig! After breakfast, JN and Philip went swimming while I decided to stay and just feel the air around. We took the pedi going back. I am going back this Summer and I'm gonna make sure that it will be another worth-while walking for me.

Dumdumdidumdumdumdidumdum

I am sOoOoOoO Excited! Finally!!! Thank you very much!!!! hehe


I can't believe I'll be in Dumzville any time soon from now. and soon as in tomorrow!!!! yey! This is so unbelievable but yeah, true! (how commercial like noh? i know!) hehe..

Haay.. I know not every one will understand this euphoria but watev! im going there and yeah, im excited.

wait!!!


did I say I'm excited?? haha!!! I AM SO ERFIN' EXCITED!!!!!!!!

Wearing sneakers is comfortable

Since I can't work it out just yet
I figured that maybe I could walk it out a little bit instead

Wanting to set free, I shut myself and my ipod from the whole world.
"It must have been love, but it's over now..."

I must have sang a little bit too loud
that the by standers and manong popcorn was starting
to give me a WTF-is-that-lady-upto look
(ok, maybe the "WTF" expression is too sosyal for manong but watev!)


THEN... it hit me.
The world will not forever excuse this melancholy.

After some forgotten lyrics after
(not to mention tired feet and pawis on my face)

I realized I should have a destination - literally and figuratively.

Sat down for awhile and thought a little bit.

Working and not walking this out would be the only way to solve this.

But, whatever! Sometimes it helps reminding myself
that there is a bigger world out there.


God bless America.

The Morning after

[10:47 pm] YOU: Tirada?

[11:03 pm] ME: Tambay lang...

[12:40 pm] YOU: Wud?

[12:46:02 am] ME: Laag.. Bakit pala?

[12:46:07 am] YOU: Wala lng. msma na b mag ask?

[1:09:27 am] ME: Aw.. Hehe hndi man. Amew

[1:09:55 am] ME: Tama.. Happy vday! hehe

[12:52 am] YOU: Hus wd u?

[1:13 am] ME: Anton and his friends...

[12:56 am] YOU: Cnoh yan?

[1:14 am] ME: C Anton gd.. Ung nkwento ko sau b4...

[1:15 am] YOU: Ah ung nobyo mo?

[1:16 am] ME: Nanliligaw pa lang ui.. Hehe. Kaw, musta kna?

[1:17 am] YOU: Ok lng.. lgaw pa tlga?

[1:19 am] ME: Aw,gud to hear ur ok. yep, ligaw pa.. Bsdes, i won't deny f ever mgka bf na ako.. hehe. kaw jud.

[1:20 am] YOU: Ok. Anjan pa ung iniwan ko sayo? I miss you a lot.

[1:23:36 am] ME: Yep, san pa man pla mapunta un. Aw, un lang pla na miss mo. hehe, amew. bsta andito lang un. Though hnapin ko pa san exactly.

[1:23:38 am] YOU: Anoh b! ndi lang un. kundi ikaw. pero ksama na un sa package. pero ikaw gyud.

[1:26 am] ME: Same here...

[1:27:32 am] YOU: Tlga?

[1:27:57 am] ME: Nasanay mo bya ako na andito ka lag, so xempre eh... hehe

[1:27:59 am] YOU: Lab2x... Hahai... Puntahan kita?

[1:30 am] ME: Hindi Tama... Next time nalang if sure ka na d ka na mawala.. goodnight. hinay drive ha =)

[1:32 am] YOU: Wat u min?

[1:35 am] ME: Hindi na 2 tama kc may gf ka na... and next time na natin ibalik ang dati kung cgurado ka na dli na ka mamiya. Icpn nalang natin na at least we're good friends =)

[1:37 am] YOU: Aok.



For the first time in my "you & i" existence, I did something that is actually right than something that just feels right. For the countless of times that you've been coming and going in and out of my life, I have always wanted to tell you this: "Unya na balik if sure ka na dili na ka muhawa." However, it's either the situation did not suit that much practiced one-liner sentence or I didn't had the courage to utter it yet, coz the urge to be with you again even just for a split of a second was stronger. Since I stayed away from you, I thank God for giving me the strength and ask him to give me a chance to prove to myself that I can be stronger than I think. God has given me two or three of this chances already, but I always fail them until just minutes after Valentine's day.

The whole night while I was having fun with my friends, I still couldn't resist looking from one corner to another hoping that I could see you around - to no avail. And when you sent me the text, I admit that I felt happy coz at least you thought of me too. I know not replying at all was the best thing I could have done, but I'm not strong enough for that yet (replying to you in the most coherent and logical way possible was a brainer). The moment you told me you missed me, God knows how I wanted to just run to where ever you were and hug you really tight and tell you how much I miss you more, but guess my senses were at my side then; I chose to do the right thing,finally.

I remembered Din2x telling me that doing the right thing will eventually make a person happy, even if it will hurt for a little while. I feel happy that I have finally come to tell him what I should've done a long time ago, but at the same time, it hurts me to know that I am really starting to let him go. Tinuod na gyud diay ni akoa..

This morning when I woke up, I read our text conversation twice or thrice and hurts even more each time. It's not that I don't want to be with him, but it's just not right anymore. I didn't agree to meet him, because I already grew tired of seeing him go. And if I have said yes, I know it would have been the same pattern and I wanted to give myself a break and stop starting from scratch over and over again.

After our text, I'm not sure if you would still text me ever again. I mean, I know you this much to figure that I hit your pride right there and then- Besides, aren't you used to hearing just all yes-es from me? And maybe the thought of this contributes a lot to the throbbing I feel now.


When you already have a girl friend ang sugot ghpon ko magsabay ta, happy kaayo ko right at that very moment but mag regret ko after coz masakitan napud ko. Pero gabii, I was sad kay chance na unta 2 to be with you again but I just decided to make it right pero wala nko regrets after. Fulfilling man pud diay ang feeling to once in a while protect yourself from your kryptonite.

happy harts day

Xander gave me a secret prayer and up until now, I still pray it. Almost every day actually.

At times I wonder: "Are there some things that reminds you of me?" and that silver chain around your right wrist, "Do you think of me and sigh every time you look at that?"

Well, okay... honestly, what I'm really wondering is this: "Do you think of me as much as I think of you?" Coz as BullSh*t as it is, I think of you despite the strong urge not to. And what's more annoying is I don't know why even during at my busiest, this brain of mine still has that itsy bitsy corner for you. I hate it when I involuntarily turn around every time I hear a motorcycle pass by, and I hate it even more every time there's an urge to look back every time I pass by the street that locates your office. Right now, you're the one who makes me weak. I weaken every time I remember the feeling being with you. Being with you wasn't even magical, as a matter of fact, there were more anger and confusion than blissful moments. But I JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND why I am still feeling all of these! I know you are happy - it shows looking at the only means I could based on. I too am happy, but I wonder how it feels to stop searching. I always have control over my life and this is something I have not mastered for I have never felt this lost before. I'm sure this isn't just all about you. I know there is something in me I should fix, but still can't since to start with, I don't even know which part of me to fix and how.

Awhile ago at the office, my office mate suddenly asked me if would I still give you a chance in case you come back to me. I was taken aback by the question and was made to think really hard, until I found my answer: "I'll be happy if that happens..for awhile. But, I don't think I can or should take him back anymore. Coz if I do, the more nothing would be left of me. If I take him back, I'm sure I'd still end up being taken for granted because I just assured him too much - once again - that I am just there always available for him. I already had become too much of a convenience for him that I think I deserve gaining my self-respect back."

So do I still wish him miserable? Well, there's another secret prayer for that part.

because

Deafening outside noise, inner silence still triumphant
shut my eyes, saw you at the corner of my mind
this deep malady I must shunt
for what goodness could I get if I do not find?

time clicking so fast, my time getting even slower
this place seems so familiar, I've been here before I'm sure
still dazed with the burning fire
edges I memorize but this isn't something I want to inure

raise me up. bring me to the horizon
running like a child i can no longer do
perhaps some family needs an orphan
with a mess inside she can never undo

countdown

5 more days to go and HELLO DUMZVILLE!!!

I'm so excited to be in Dumaguete! It's been almost a year, the longest that I haven't been to that place. And it's pretty amazing that despite the time gap, my friends and I have still managed to maintain whatever friendship we have.

THINGS I PLAN TO DO WHEN I GET TO DUMZ:

1. Bully my friends =)
2. Walk along Boulevard
3. Visit my Masscom family
4. Get my Good moral certificate
5. Eat sizzling pochero
6. Go to Sandbar
7. Hang out at Sted's
8. Walk around Silliman
9. Escaño
10. Meet with clint
11. Meet with my Geckos
12. Meet with the Zetans
13. Meet with Berna
14. Meet Bambi
15. Iritate Xander, Dok and JN. haha!
16. Take photos
17. Ride a motorcycle
18. Eat at the carenderia! haha
19. ZOmbie!!!!
20. kiss the ground. haha, JOKE.

He reminds me to think about happy thoughts, and write about happy events.


Thank you starpee!




Sometimes you amaze me. haha! boo!

Taking a big leap

One of my closest friends here in Davao will be taking what probably is one of the biggest leap she could ever take in her entire life. Of all people, she is the least person I expected this to happen to. I mean, I always saw her as someone who was under control of everything. Besides, it has always been the barkada's running joke on how ironic that back in high school we were judged by some people as someone who wouldn't be able to finish school, get pregnant right away and get married. However, we managed to prove them wrong. I mean, all of us are very much stable and each one of us is already enjoying a lucrative job. Until, the revelation that she shocked us last Sunday.

My girl friends and I were in the car driving our way to a coffee shop when during stucked in the traffic, our friend handed us a white oblong plastic. It was handed upside down and when one of our friends turned it around, we were left with nothing else to say but, "you're pregnant." No one among us 5 ever thought of the word abortion. Actually, I was proud that every one's first reaction was if our friend is okay and if she would marry her boyfriend.

When we got to the coffee shop, we all lit a cigarette except for that particular friend, of course. I mean, we are used to dealing with heartaches or even saving each others asses, but we never thought we would deal we something as life changing as this. Being pregnant was not the worry of my friend, since like what I said, she is already stable. Instead, she was worried on how to tell her parents.

Just hours ago, I received a text message saying that my friend is telling her parents right that very moment and it would be great if the four of us could go support her. However, since my work does not end until 5:30, I wasn't able to go. After 2-3 hours, I got a text from her saying that she'll be having a civil wedding any time next week, but in Manila (Just to keep things quiet for awhile. I mean, the least thing my friend needs now is the pressure and the judgment that the society could cruelly give).

I feel really hurt by the news, coz I feel that my friend isn't ready for marriage yet. But, I trust her. She always use her brains in times of decisions, and if ever she really decides to marry him, I know that's because she really wants it. er, i really do hope so.

Anyway, I can't wait to be done with work. My friends and I are meeting at the same coffee shop to talk about things. I feel very blessed knowing that my friends and I treasure each others opinions, that ever since high school, we have still managed to be each others retreat.

I know my friend will be taking a huge leap and she knows that too. But no matter how much leaping she will be doing, she really has nothing to worry about because rest assured, we will all be leaping huge with her. uhm, just incase she needs a friendly frog at hand *wink

Miracles do happen!

Friday was a miracle-filled day! Do you believe in miracles?

Well, miracles doesn't always have to literally come from heaven. It can be as simple as getting a free ride home to yeah, maybe seeing an angel go down from above! hehe.. But, nonetheless, Miracles do exist! You just have to look at the bigger picture and appreciate the little wonders of life. Remember, not all that happens to you are bad. Even bad moments would eventually turn into good ones. Everything is just a matter of perspective and of course, Faith. So go on and keep on believing coz in this world where pain is no stranger, hope is the only thing that could keep you going.


Why my Friday was soOoooSooooo Miraculous!


1.) Thanks to my mom, I got back the most important documents of Sta. Lucia that I left in the taxi last Wednesday. (Mom had to go to the radio stations and Tv stations just to try her luck) thanks mom! you are my life saver.

2.) Din2x found us a very cheap ticket to Cebu, plus she lend me a thousand as so I could avail of the round trip tickets.

3.) YM was perfectly fast while Ayi was sending me adobe files, which saved my deadline! loveyou yi!

4.) My boss loved my project! wee!

5.) Totally forgot about Jon's birthday! Good thing Din2x convinced me an 18th flight instead of a 26th!

ctrl+alt+delete

How are you? er wait! I'm not really sure if I wanna know...

Uhm, how can I explain this...

For some unexplainable weird reasons, I feel very happy. As a matter of fact, I smile for no reasons. You know how it is when one is really really inlove? that! I feel that! But, minus the really really inlove feeling and a particular guy. But the effect is exactly the same. Maybe this is because I am happier now with myself coz I've been spending so much time with and for myself. I've been focusing on my betterment, I am listening to music that does not remind me of you at all. And the only time that I would feel down is when I start missing you again (I label those moments as "episodes), and every time those episodes come, I just rush to a quiet corner where no one is around, close my eyes and pray to God and daddy to help me accept the things I can't change, change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. And I become okay. I owe a lot to my Faith and to my friends.

However, not missing you anymore at all is a struggle, especially if I start thinking that heart's day is approaching. I don't text you anymore, and you don't text me anymore either. I'm still praying that this would be a faster process. I know I'll be okay, but this is no easy thing to do. Pergaps scientist should just start inventing over-the-counter medicines that would instantly compartmentalized the things a person wants and does not want to remember. Or maybe that would be easier if Bill Gates cooperate too.

Dear God

Dear God,

Please give me the strength and the wisdom to stay away from him. I don't wanna hurt anymore, I don't wanna long for him anymore. He has hurt me badly and he does not deserve this much of care and love that I have for him. I don't know of any other way to get through this, but to only offer all of these to you. God, I wanna wake up happy coz I can't remember anymore the last time that I did. I feel so alone and lonely. Please God, just take this pain away from me. I don't wanna hurt anymore. I love you

Amen

Tanya does slap hard!

Go away... Go away and please just go away!

When will I ever have the strength to resist you? I think you are happy with her and yes it does gives me that painful feeling inside. I wanna say that I'm happy for you, but how can I claim that when I'm still hurting. Tanya is right. Ignoring and resisting you comes from the head, from my head damnit! You even tell me that you did not do me any wrong. Can you be more any heartless?! I remember praying to God that if someone "not for me" comes along, He shouldn't just give him to me. And maybe that's why I did not have you. I should remember every prayer that I say. You claim that you love her, but does she know you come to me every time you have a fight with her? Does she know that sometimes you come to me after you send her home? I don't know if that is still love, but for sure, that does not fit my definition. I should think beyond the pain. I should rationalize things better. If it became US, I'm sure you would do the same thing to me too and God just loves me so much to spare me from that. Now, I don't have the urge to keep in touch with you anymore. My next struggle is to completely ignore you when you come looking for me. I pray that you'd realize everything that you have done. I got so stuck with the good person you were before that I got blinded on how much you have suddenly become a monster.

tama na

I can do this.. I can do this.. I can do this...

I am terribly missing you. I am struggling to take you away from my mind, from my heart, to take you away from my life. I know this is just a phase. I know sooner or later I will be okay. I don't wanna think about whatever we had before, because it is hurting me like hell. I wished I never met you again, I wished at the very beginning I just didn't entertain the thought of you as something beautiful. I want you to know how wrong you have done me and how stupid your actions were, but you do not have the right to know my feelings anymore. I want you out of my system and I want that fast! You know what we had was something wonderful, but you chose to throw them all away. When I told you that I should get mad at you, but just don't wanna be, you even asked me why. Are you really that cold-hearted? or you just really wanted me to spell that out for you?

I want to believe that I am okay. But the truth is, I'm not and the only time that I could finally say that I am is when I stop wishing that you would be miserable. God knows how much I want to wish you well, but I am no saint and much more I am no God.

They say I shouldn't rush the healing and I agree. I know this will take some time, but would it be too much to ask God to make it a little bit sooner?

I'm happier without you

You sent me a text last Monday telling me that you already have a girlfriend, and the moment I read your text, I struggled just to compose myself in the office trying hard not to faint. I took a half day at work because I knew very well that the pain would last me the whole day (Didn't I used to be your every day?). Immediately, I met up with my friends and we drank the whole night away.

I was so mad at you that the tears running down my cheeks were more of hate than just "ouch." How can you meet someone on a Saturday and be her boyfriend just hours after?? Major Asshole. To add insult to the injury, you even told me that nothing between us should change. Fuck?! You want us to be the same? lucky you mister feeling Adonis! Argh.

Right away, I wanted to know who the girl is. I admit, for a moment, the thought that you were with her was stabbing me so deeply. But, when I finally found out who the girl is, it helped me to become better (let me stop here before I say something mean).

For almost 4 months, I was trying to fight for us. Trying to work things out, trying to ease that fear you have in your heart. But would it make the love I had for you questionable if I say that it only took me 3 days to be okay? I'm not saying that I have totally moved on, but I am so much happier.

I wasn't expecting that being without you would give me peace of mind. Since the day I decided that you are not part of my life anymore, every thing just seems so light, so easy. For some unexplainable reasons, I grew tired of listening to songs that reminds me of you and finds myself humming new love songs and other feel-good music.

My friends told me that I should not see you yet, coz my heart isn't ready for that yet. I know my friends were right, but I wanted to figure out ASAP if I'm really already okay. Besides, I don't want to be in denial of the pain and convince myself wrongly that I'm okay. Mas ganahan kog one time big time ang sakit, kaysa na okay ko karon then mata ko kalit then boom! tang ina, sakit pa diay! So, last night, we were at the house together.

You noticed changes that I didn't even notice. Like, how cold I have become and how suddenly casual I was to you. Whatever my actions were are of nothing intentional. You know me, my gestures follow what my heart dictates.

I realized that I shouldn't hate you, because whether love or hate, these are still feelings and you don't deserve any of those from me. I have already exhausted so much for you, that I'm giving them back to myself.

This is a very exciting begining for me. I had my hair cut to make me feel better within and I am spending more time with my friends and meeting new people.

I may not hate you as much as I want to nor hate you as much as you deserve, but one thing is for certain, I CAN NEVER LOOK AT YOU THE SAME WAY AGAIN.

fuck you

You just played me. You know what, the least thing you could've done was to face me like a real man. Rather, you chose to drop me like a hot potato. I'm hurt not because you don't love me, but because you didn't care at all even just as a friend. I am deeply hurt and I am mad at you. well, more of hurt actually. I'm gonna heal soon and fuck you.

again

This isn't the first time that there is something wrong between us, but this is the first time that I feel he is doing a conscious effort to let me go. As usual, I don't understand what really is going on inside his head, simply because he never tells me. I don't know if he really is letting me go or if he is just taking some time to think things over. I tried to reach out, but of course it has been all useless since without his cooperation. I've been praying to God and to my father to help me understand, even just on my own. I think this is for the better and I am so certain that all I need is time. Time to heal and time to fully realize that what we had isn't really as beautiful as I think it is.